KateThoughts

2018 - Done & Over. What will begin with tomorrow's dawn?

It's New Year's Eve.

I'm not sure what will appear on this page, but my readings this morning have encouraged me to take a look at last year, and/or contemplate the New One coming.

My personal evolution has been profound in some ways this year. I like what I wrote about it last July.
My more open heart is holding steady. I'm gentler with myself.

I will break William's glass today.

I think I have not written about this anywhere... The back story:
William is my bow mentor, my archery instructor, and a crazy man with an odd world view. He is many things to me, not all of them comfortable.
One day I went to him with a heart and mind full of angst and confusion. We talked, then he led a meditation for us. And at the end of our time that day he gave to me a tall glass (just a Bahama Mama cocktail glass!) and told me that one day I would be ready to break that glass. I don't remember all his actual words, but they have come to live in me, and now it is time. It has been time for a bit, but I have hesitated over breaking the glass, wanting to be sure that the changes are real and that evolution is really happening.  But today is the last day of a year of transition. Today is a good day for breaking things like old habit energy and cocktail glasses.

I've asked Jessica to come by if she can.   

I'll be breaking with old habits.

Now what do I want to attract in the New Year?
More music! More Kate & Mel!
I met these two women thru a mutual friend. Hallelujah!! 
They make music like you wouldn't believe. Mel has a voice like an absolute angel! (she IS one, I think)
And Kate brings a calmness, a personal confidence in herself, a huge ...compassion seems closest to what I feel from her.
Not to mention her skills on all my percussion toys! I am very happy in their company.

And they aid and abet the torch singer that I bring to our Tuesday Karaoke sessions something fierce!
And the harmonies we three can make fill my ears with magic and my heart with such a profound joy!

It feels a tad tricky to come up with one overriding "something" to place as a focus for 2019.  The KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Sweetie) is the best thing for me.
So, in 2019, I will be more consistently compassionate and will listen more than I speak. 

To that end, I will continue to take better care of my physical self, as well as my psycho/spiritual evolution.

Rediscovering Trust - notes on an online course

Rediscovering Trust   
Day One of Week One

Jack Kornfield drew me here, to the class. His is the voice I can hear most clearly these days as I learn to listen to my own.

The class tech people released Week 3; I just started following, am on Week 1

We're asked to journal following the meditation practice, we're asked to use the same meditation for the week...this, following a talk by Jack or Trudy Goodman.  Jack just called this meditation Awareness and asked us to listen.
Since I was listening thru headphones to a meditation elsewhere, I noticed I could hear their sounds as well as my own: here, a clock ticking, computer hum, almost nothing else. The wind is calm. a treat.  There, singing bowls, birds (faintly), his breath occasionally...

physically, I felt mostly relaxed. I noticed a tightness in my face - mouth. it is there often and reminds me of Mother. I hear/meet my judging self when I feel that. so I relaxed my mouth.  and it recurred. And I'm still me sitting; I met me thinking; me judging; me mentally wandering...
and I met compassion for myself in the letting go of thought & returning to Awareness. (Almost left this one out! LOL)

i noticed that I want to be in a space retreat like that, and that I also met my unworthiness in the sort of knee-jerk reaction to the costs of going to one. Costs = $$, esteem; unworthiness becoming visible; that I 'don't fit' in...  I could do this all day, but I don't have to do that anymore. My self-compassion is growing... want to qualify that - won't.

i did not feel skeptical of the process; not uncomfortable or conflicted.  I've done just enough meditation to understand the gifts a bit. I'm easier on myself, now. Not certain that this would be true if I were doing this class in a live group.

I'm beginning...have begun to buy this shit that I am actually nice & kind & maybe funny. It's a little tricky; but I can handle it. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day Two Week One

Listened to the meditation again as instructed. The listening one...
I must say that it feels a little tricky to try listening to my environment when I must listen to the meditation online thru earbuds.  Tends to inhibit my hearing! 
Today was easier in some ways, and more difficult in others. Mind wandered like crazy...small but special dinner party tonight -

in an hour!   well, no wonder.

But/and I was gentler with myself; more content. I'm really enjoying this day. Looking forward to the meal; I forgot to eat lunch!!!  :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Very cool little stories..not so simple...

"My father he always say that the oil is already inside the student, already there from all time. The teacher only has a match and makes it light, and then the student isn’t a student anymore, just a friend, going the same way down the dark road but seeing now by himself.”

 “You have to believe your own oil is there, though, or nobody can lights it.”

 

"The point of it was: Don’t make your own life in reaction to others. So maybe the whole trick of the spiritual search was “To thine own self be true.” Maybe the real work was just scraping off layer upon layer of conditioning, assumption, and imitation, and finding, somewhere in the depths, your actual face. Maybe that’s what Rinpoche meant by “you understand you’re not you.”

 

"he kept telling me how brave I’d been to go first, how he might have gone only on the child’s slide if I hadn’t been there, how he might not have gone down a second time after seeing how fast we went on the first. And so on. He had conquered, in a small way, his supposed fear of “high.” But I suspected then, and I suspect to this day, that it was all a trick. By the second run on the faster slide I realized that the proper technique involved a complete letting go, an abandoning of oneself to the fates, the skill of the waterslide engineers, and the conscientiousness of the county inspectors. A mindless, illogical trust. Was there no spirchal lesson there?"

 

 

all ― from "Lunch with Buddha"  by Roland Merullo

 

I'm on Breakfast with Buddha, now, and will follow that with Dinner with...

 

All fiction of the 'spirchal' sort, my kind of reading material.

And I'm using Insight Timer now, some, too...   but, as with other pet-jobs, I tend to veg on TV and too much food when I'm in someone else's house..

 

Merullo writes with wonderful skill and uses language in ways that delight me. That's a large part of the attraction in these little books.

I don't claim to be Christian, as he is, but he doesn't make those tenets the point of his stories. 

Triggers and Releases....and questions

This article was linked on Facebook this morning:

“The blues is the truth.”

Like all of Jack Kornfield's stuff that I have read, this is excellent and 'right on', as they say.

 

But it brought up for me, that weird and fairly ferocious anger that I feel in traffic.  And more and more, I can notice, breathe, and let go of it, laughing at myself as I move to the right lane and exhale...

But in this article, Kornfield is talking about present situation anger and how to deal with that.
What happens to me in the car is not present stuff. I still don't know for sure what it is. It has to do with control and judgment, and a level of rage that is completely unrelated to cars, driving, or the traffic. I know that because I hear the words in my head, as I begin the internal dialogue that helps me get out of that anger at that time, most of the time. There is cussing, name-calling and screaming, and stamping the foot not on the gas pedal... not pretty.  (No, I don't honk at people or flip them off or...)

I like to think it's getting better.
and maybe it is... can't really tell, though.

I also like to think that I don't need to go after it and find out what it is, really. I like this thought A LOT!

 

There are some real, very old, reasons why the anger could be legitimate...back then...
But, now, these traffic experiences are telling me that I have left some old shit unfinished, and I come in & out of various levels of concern for myself and my continued evolution. Currently, I'm doing very little spiritual reading or listening...think it's time to hear my OWN inner voice.
I suspect she will speak to me on this subject one day.

And meanwhile, Have a great day, unless you have other plans...

 

a post of generalities and stereotypes in an effort to clear my mind of mental clutter and discover something about what I believe

The Buddhists would have me accept suffering as a fact of this physical life, and then have me rise above it (without the arrogance of that phrase ), and meditate my way to a happy and calm center from which all my Right Actions will spring. (I must say that a couple of years in a cave are not entirely unattractive.)

Abraham says that life is supposed to be fun. I can assess my spiritual growth (in some fairly insignificant way) by noticing the levels I have traveled up the Emotional Scale. Anger, for example, being somewhat better than Rage, but not as good as Frustration. To be centered here, I must vibrate correctly...though they might take exception to the word correctly. There is much of Abraham's theories that pull me. It's known as the Law of Attraction.

The religion of my history is very fundamentally Christian.  They want me to subscribe to a Scapegoat theory that I find extremely unpalatable; then I'm told, by Jesus, no less, that I can walk on water and raise dead people, and then I need only give them 10% of the fruit of my talents, the gifts with strings. I believe intellectually understand that I can do anything Jesus did, now.

Psychologists want me to delve into family history to determine who is to blame for my dysfunction. I've gone so far as to select and claim a few of their labels.

There is an Atheist point of view, too, but I class that as the antithesis all of the above. And I notice that the more recent the convert to any of these, the more zealous is her/his discussion of the subject.
Most members of the groups, those more seasoned in the physical/mental/emotional energy used to believe in these theories in this physical Time/Space, seem to be more tolerant, if not actually accepting.

They all, as nearly as I can tell,  want you to believe exactly what they believe, or you are Lost. Each group defines that differently, but they are certain that their way is the One True Right Way.

Just thinking out loud.
I like pieces of all of these and more....  
...just don't care for all of any of them....

 

AZ...a little more

This trip is very little like I expected and exactly like I expected and I'm missing/running from part of the trip...maybe.

I just read the last couple of posts while I had breakfast  - scrambled eggs and cheese. I've got a toothache (getting much better) but have been eating eggs and soups and mashed potatoes for 3 days. Really tired of that menu.    :)   Happy it's been easy to find/make. Mayo always has at least one soup on the menu, and their food is very good.

What I've been running from is the opportunities for meditation that exist in my little bungalow. From the moment I leave this place in the morning I'm bombarded with noise, constantly, until I return here in the evening. The quiet is WAY more valuable to me than I ever knew. Living in a city will be a challenge...though one we may undertake when we get the house sold.

(BTW: I asked a respiration therapist about the differences between Joel's breathing here and at 7000 ft. They won't predict, of course, but she did say that there is a test that can be done as part of Joel's rehab that will simulate high altitude and give us an idea. Who knew?!

Several nights I've been getting home as late as 8:30 or 9:00. By the time I have some food, and clean something, it's already late... So I typically switch to a book...another distraction, rather than just sitting down and contemplating my navel.
It's a switch-off between total escape into a good mystery or a lighter version of spiritual reading: Esther Hicks' kids' series about Sara, or David Michie's The Art of Purring.

I had/have/could have a chance to spend time with a friend of a friend who is a psychic, animal communicator, healer, medium, and massage therapist. But I've put him off twice. First, he wants me to drive to him...and I don't fancy unnecessary driving. Just the commute home is half an hour. And, secondly, he's a he, and about 25 years younger, and all those things I just mentioned. All of which I could probably use, but none of which I really 'get' (except the massage, of course).

It seemed intriguing at first; now I'm nervous about it, uncertain, and a tad not ready. All I can really do right now is to follow my gut and let it go..and him go...

And I'm going to say, just this one time - in this blog where I think I am safe, that I'm fearful of our cash flow situation now, and for this year. We're using the savings to keep me here with Joel. While we have awesome insurance and ALL of her costs are covered by Medicare and insurance, mine are not. They are deductible next year, but are out-of-pocket right now. Also, Texas is underwater, so the cotton crops are in jeopardy. If the planting is not done by June 5th, crop insurance won't cover anything, and that seems nigh on to impossible to accomplish.
There has, maybe, been no time when meditation could be more valuable to me - and no time that it has felt harder to do. Michie's cat is telling me best... known as HHC, she is His Holiness's the Dahli Lama's  Cat... :)

And still I run. Jim's voice is in my head a lot! and I wish...
but wishing doesn't make it so. and while I am good at physically hard stuff, I'm not good at spiritually hard stuff.  Not a fun realization..

And here I go again into tears. I'm seeing now, that despite everything I THOUGHT I had learned, my self esteem still sucks BIG TIME. I can't seem to get myself high enough on my own list of priorities.
One moment I congratulate myself on noticing that, and the next, I chide myself for what seems like so much wasted time.

And how on earth did it get to be 9:30 and I still haven't showered... gotta to be me...best one I can access today.  

TTFN

 

Next time I'll bring my ukelele...

City driving has been a stressor up until now... I qualify that on purpose!

I'm not used to it. Blessedly, Phoenix is laid out in a grid and has THE most wonderful streets and freeways I've ever driven - not that I have all this great experience...but, I HAVE driven in Chicago, though. I'm just saying!
Oncoming headlights bother my vision, and tonight I stayed later at the hospital. And the last several nights have had errands attached to the drive. I have two favorite, and direct, off-freeway streets to Mayo and back home that meet all my physical needs. Tonight is the first one of about 3 that I just came straight home and knew there was something decent for supper and a cold beer in the frig, and not one single chore that HAD to be done.

And I can say home because I've made one in this little space. My sign is Cancer and I'm a perfect fit. I can build a nest anywhere with just a few necessities. Well, a lot more than Jim can travel with, but ...well, I'm still who I am at this moment. And she is a piece of work. I like ice.

My way home on this grid is only a few degrees off of  'into the setting sun'. Happily, my visor takes care of that. When it's too low for the car visor, I wear my red visor. Home is about a 25 minute drive. It's more fun when it's not rush hour. I've learned that there IS a speed that lets you hit all the lights on green, but it works best after 6:30, because earlier, everyone just wants to get wherever as quickly as possible.
I'm working my way downstream from a physically challenging day and the real realization that I make all my own trouble. I hope it's real, this time.
And that I really need to learn how to relax more of me than just parts of my physical body. I don't really like the word, hope, but that's another discussion. I know I'm fearful sometimes, but I'd rather say cautious, and that both of those don't serve me.

Tonight, one of my issues is that I still want to do it the 'right way' even when I know somehow that I have to choose MY way. What the fuck is that!?

And where, the FUCK, are my big girl panties?

And all this...angst.. is going on while I hear the all the voices I've listened to forever.
I've been a guru seeker. No, not you, L. (though there was a time it could have gone that way.)The oldest voices are Fundamentally Christian, but I have many others with varying volumes. And some of the voices say there is no Voice. I want there to be A Voice.
But I don't haven't listen/ed to mine.

I think this is a piece of the listening...

I also noticed that I prefer to yield.
I noticed because of traffic, but it's true everywhere for me.      I think I can make that an asset, though I am not sure that it fully is right now.
And I know it's time to do something else. Good Night. If this still makes sense in the morning, maybe I"ll post it. 

I'm certain that at least one of my readers will 'get me' and also happy that I have so few.  :)
WTF; just publish... Sweet dreamszzz

Buddhas Abound

Good Morning, World!

I'm glad I stayed for the game.

Today, though the physical sky is cloudy and dripping lovely rain, my eternal/internal sky is glowing and golden. Thank you to all my Buddhas.

Yesterday was a toughie, I will tell you. Weepy and morose and unable to get on top of it. I wanted a lap, not a lap dog, and some big strapping arms to hold me and make it all better.

Yesterday was also my 21st anniversary, and I didn't want to spend it crying all over Joel. (That works a number on her, anyway, and serves no purpose.) She is good at holding and hearing about it once the waterworks are done.
It was hard to get it done yesterday...

But I persist, if nothing else.

Reached out a couple of times. Text - phone - even typed an email for Laura I didn't send.

I just kept on with things: chores, gathering data for Mayo, meals...
Sort of looming in the background was a plan initiated by others, accepted by me (w/o remembering anniversary) -- the Karaoke Night at Cree.  Talk about a push-pull.

Gotta keep this short - stuff to do.

Had to talk to Dr.'s office about records to pick up today, same with hospital.  Now... I never got thru to the friends whose laps I wanted to sit on. But every human I spoke to yesterday was a little Buddha sent to calm me and help me breathe. I encountered AMAZING customer service, gentle understanding voices, and even got close to the lap. (thanks, Vanessa.) Phone voices were Linda Salcido at White Mtn Medical, Sally at Lincoln Co. Medical.  Missed the name of the female at Mayo who, though she couldn't help, spoke gently and with compassion. All very cool.

For the push-pull to Karaoke, I went. Marcia, bless you, stayed here with Joel; Kathryn went with me. We met the new friends, had a good time, and two beers, got to sing 3 times; once in trio with Kathryn and Susan - much fun!!  And on my last number - my current best - I just pretended I was 'singing for my life' on The Voice or AI and put it all in the song - sent it soaring.... I NAILED IT. and everybody knew it, too. Got a GREAT response. If it had been the finals, I WON.

And this morning, I got the real prize.

I got to sit in a chair with a dog on my lap and only one curtain pulled open on this rainy day...
and I watched the scene, and noticed. Felt. Sat in my own lap, and feel grateful.

I thought about the people I reached for and missed; for those I wanted to reach for, but didn't; and about the strangers and acquaintances who treated me gently all day. I had imaginary conversations with my favorite Buddhas and realized I'm one, too.

So, I'd like you to know:

Laura, Shaula, Susan F., Joel, Jim, Vanessa, Kathryn, Marcia, Sue John & Marie, Linda, Sally, Ruth, William, Angel, and the crowd at Cree. Thanks for the great night, and this beautiful gratitude that I feel. Love... 

 

Sobbing over Unexpected Buddhas

Well, I wanted to title this "Pissshitfuckdamnandhell!" But somehow it doesn't fit exactly right.

Was on FB just now and watched this video that I've see a dozen times already.

When you watch it, listen to the words of the song. You may already know it in theory. Laura, you know it, probably viscerally.
You can listen to Tim McGraw sing it here. "Live Like You Were Dying"

It has felt inspiring several times. This time is different. This time, I'm sobbing

This time, I'm nearly 67 years old.
This time, I'm contemplating a 2nd 100 Days.
This time, I know that I am dying. No, not that way, not by someone's verdict or diagnosis; but just like we all are dying - one day at a time.
This time, I want different things.
This time, I'm indicted by her accomplishments - by those of several I see & respect...
This time, I will learn to do SOMETHING as well as this young woman trains horses.
This time, I'm working on deep core stuff that has stifled me for decades.
This time, I'll make a commitment to myself and give it the WEIGHT that I assign to my commitments to others.
This time I'll learn to quiet my mind.
This time, I'll find out where the fury comes from.  And break it's hold. And change my mind.


And when I die, I'll be spiritually/psychologically conscious and bursting with Joy & Anticipation.

So, I'm dying.
My first task, as I see it, is to define just what I want in the rest of my days.

This is the list I've written in the last week or two: qualities I want:

Happiness
Joy
Lightness
Confidence
Balance
Satisfaction
Worth
Love
Empathy

I'll get there by making and keeping promises to myself. I must change some deep-seated beliefs and dump plenty of old habit energy. I'll stop taking it easy, and start making life easy by doing those things that feed me. I'll create some new habits and believe new things. And my new practices will last the rest of this physical lifetime.

The 'things' list includes these...

Music has to be in it.

Movement has to be in it.

Tai Chi has to be in it.

I don't know what else I might need.

I do know that my computer usage has to drop by about 80%. That'll be no problem; FB will go, mostly. I'll probably be setting timers in the early parts of this transformation. : )
I DO love my computer. And Laura is in here!! 

Today is Tuesday, so it's Karaoke Day at Hacienda de LaLa. Therefore, there will be LOTS of music.

And today and in the next few days, I'll flesh out the rest of what must go and what gets pushed higher on the list of priorities. And pick some dates for this new 100 Days.

And, one day, when Jim asks again, "What is stopping you from doing those things that you KNOW are good & right for you?", I'll be able to say, "Nothing, anymore, my Friend."

Thanks for standing by...

 

Still on my way to the start of the Next 100 Days...

My sifu, Jim, posted this on FB today. Much of it will be good for this new set of days. Will need some study to decide how and how much to integrate... here is the full text (so I can keep it handy):

1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.

4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will. 

9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too.

11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
      

17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks.– Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn't accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result.

25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read  

30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn't go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn't spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have."

 

Happily, some of it is already in the works, so to speak. And not every one, as stated, really works for me. But on first reading, these are very cogent points for me to consider right now.

 

100 Days ~ Schmundred Days...

They are not happening.

I'm not happening in any real conscious sense right now. So my new project is on hold.
I've been realizing for several days, that I'm just not moving thru my days in any way that will feed me or support this new 100 days. I know that I spend way too much time online, especially on Facebook, the world's biggest cultural black hole.

I like a couple of the games there, and I play a few others so that I can 'answer' the requests of 'friends'.
Now, I'm not the typical Fb'er. I've been on there for several years, but I have kept just 50 friends. And most of those are very close to me, or family of origin. In some cases, I would know nothing about them if I didn't see them on FB.

Hmmm. Now ain't that a pisser.
It just dawned on me that I don't really need to keep up with them. And when the energy is not reciprocal, it is rather a waste of time.

Lord, have mercy, she says to herself.
I love this phrase...but since it is I - and I alone - who can be merciful to me or redirect my own path - or return to it...or whatever it is I am trying to do these days, then it will behoove me to change those words along with a few other things.

Part of the impetus for this post, and the subsequent changes that will unfold, came from Laura, as usual. Check out this post to read what capped off this morning. Subscribe to her if you want; she doesn't waste your time - or her own.

 

100 Days ~ The Final Entry

Today is January 3, 2014. First time I've typed that - 2014.  Just a little hard to believe.

Jim sent this quote (along with 2 others) out in an email reminder for the start of the next session of classes:

"Discouragement - What happens is after some good experience in Practice you start to expect it to go on, and so instead of coming to it fresh you come with an expectation. That attitude kills the spontaneity of your experience and makes it heavy and unworkable.
It takes a while to notice this process and learn how to not make it worse by trying too hard or, on the other side, reacting against trying at all and wanting to give up – or indeed giving up.
It’s easier to handle once you realise it is all part of the process. You just turn towards that experience in just the same open way that you turn towards all experience – no problem. Just keep going. No need to grit the teeth and keep going – just lighten up and keep going!" - Lama Shenpen Hookham

I've felt discouraged about my Practice in these 102 Days recently passed. It's been a tougher season than usual for me.

I still hold to the point that my Practice has been the catalyst for much internal consideration, some shifts. But Practice... I am not better or more disciplined at making time every day for meditation and Tai Chi. I'm a lazy slug. What can I say?

Before you get all crazy, I'm working on the internal language. That stuff is just old habit energy. Somehow, it has been tougher to stand strong. I am SO GLAD that the 'holidays' are OVER. I will be elsewhere next time they roll around, with new plans.

thoughts with no time for development...don't make yourself crazy... :)

"People are so confused about the death experience, that they give the "death Penalty" to those they despise.  If you knew what the death experience was, you would not give it to those buggers you despise."   -Abraham

from this video clip: Abraham Hicks- Source decides when you croak
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_5N3KUzA1o&feature=em-subs_digest-vrecs )

"you have to accept that you MUST return to the pure positive

It is inevitable that you return to the pure positive energy that is You.

You MUST return to the pure positive energy that is you. It is good; it is natural;  you must.

..the separation is temporary. ..

 

French - the 'small death'
Is Death an orgasmic experience?
    answer: Beyond Imaging

Day 83 ~ 12-12-13

The last line of today's reading from 365 Tao about Purpose is,
"Then with each step upon the path of Tao, your certainty rings from peak to peak."
It's about one's path to finding purpose or destiny.

I'm not feeling particularly sure-footed on this path to my destiny. These 102 Days have certainly been interesting. I've watched myself do mostly as I have always done: intermittant waves of strong focus and follow-thru mixed with the same old habit energy.

I'm going to use that quoted sentence, and its 'peak to peak' reference  to hang my self-esteem on right now. Otherwise, I will have to start making excuses...
I prefer to think that I am, at least, past the need to do that. Well, past the need to express the excuses - not the desire to be excused.

We went to ABQ this week for Joel's first check-up with the surgeon's staff. We saw the PA Tuesday. He seemed a bit surprised that things are as good as they are. But that is not too surprising since they have heard about the complications and the ER trips, but have had no real way to judge how, or whether, those trips related to the new knee. Everyone, including we two, are more relaxed about Joel's recovery now.
They did prescribed 6 more weeks of PT at Joel's request; this set will be on an out-patient basis with PTs that Joel has used before and really likes. She's got a little crush on Marla (the PT from Home Health), but she is certainly no longer home-bound and may be released to drive any day now.

As for Christmas, I'm simply bah-humbugging my way toward the date. Can NOT believe it's only 1 1/2 weeks away. Very little is done. Today will be a day of action about that and what to do for those we care about. I'm not sure a single decoration will go up. Christmas is just too convoluted anymore. I'm no longer in the target market for all the comsumerism associated with it. And I'm certainly no longer interested in the religous aspects of the season.

And yet, I have people I love and whom I want to remember and honor in some way. Inspiration will arrive today - one of the 'peak' days, no doubt. Remember, things really do just keep working out for me.   ; )

In case we don't meet here before the date, Happy Holidays to you. May your hearts be at Peace and full of Joy and may you spend just the right amount of time with those you love!

    

Day 71

I've really enjoyed teaching two of Jim's classes this week. Maybe the best parts of the whole thing.

I'm hoping that tomorrow, Sunday, can be a day that I stay here. Hasn't happened yet that I've been able to stay here all day. The snow is mostly gone, though, and Zia and I have had some quality frisbee time.
The pups at home aren't happy, either. Nor is Joel. And mine, I regretfully admit, has been intermittant. Guess the pet-sitting days are over for the foreseeable future. But that's fine. If/When the trailer really happens, we'll be hitting the road anyway.

The Practice isn't feeling particularly great right now. It's been fairly hit/miss on Tai Chi, and meditation is just a (temporary) joke.

Tonight, I'm just checking in. If I start rambling, I'll be here all night.

Sweet dreams.

Day 67 ~ Yes, it's tough sometimes

I'm posting today to vent a little, but more importantly to notice and record that things keep working out for me. in very interesting ways.

There were two emails in my box from Laura; could NOT have been more pertinent to me and what's going on here. Nor could it come from someone with more experience in care-giving/taking than she.

The Note from the Universe this morning was:

"Here's a trick, Kate, for dealing with someone who's disappointed you:

Imagine how they looked as a very young child -- timid, a little scared, really cute, and truly not knowing any better -- and realize this is who you're dealing with now.

Aw-w-w-w,
    The Universe"

I wanted to say first that I was not disappointed in Joel, but that is only partly true. I knew this week would be tough on her. But I didn't think about getting a call by 8:30 on the first morning. And I thought/think that, in the long run, she will learn how much stronger she has become because of the PT, and she'll notice how quickly the knee gets flexible again with the added movement.

I didn't count on how hard the morning routine would feel to her. It isn't hard for me, but I don't have  new knee, either. And Joel feels pain in a different way & intensity than I do. I've known it a long time, but knowing intellectually and 'getting it' are not the same things.

The Universe quote is doubly appropriate because we make jokes about Joel being the oldest 12 yr old I know. When she's in pain, that age drops a bit.
ALL of my care-taker buttons are vibrating, but so are a few of my self-care buttons. (Can't always find those!) So this week will be an interesting lesson in balance - for myself, mostly; since Joel's balance is really in her hands, no matter how badly I'd like to change things for her.

Abraham had this to say this morning:

"Achieve, first, the vibrational essence of your desire—and then, through the crack of least resistance the manifestation will be delivered... work on the essence of the feeling of freedom; work on the essence of the feeling of empowerment— work on the essence of the feeling of Well-Being... And how do you do that? You can imagine it already having happened and pretend what it will feel like when it is that way. Or, you can look for things in your life that are already like that and beat the drum of that until they play a higher percentage of time in the vibrational signal that you are emanating."   ---Abraham

Before the call, I got in 15 minutes of meditation. After breakfast, I managed 2 cycles thru the 5 Elements form. I'll get to more later. As for now, I will practice both suggestions in the quote from Abraham: I will imagine that what I want to feel is already true, thereby making those feelings real within me; and I will/am finding the things in my life that are perfect now. Perfect like this opportunity for both Joel and me to come out stronger than we came into this week.

I'm going to head into town shortly, put out a couple of fires, and look again at the set-up at home with an eye to making things as easy as they can be.
Whatever happens, by the end of this week Joel will be stronger. In many ways.

And so will I be.

TTFN

Man, things can change SO fast! I got another call from Joel after the pain meds had a chance to go to work, and everything's entirely different.
I know this - I just didn't remember what with all those caretaker buttons firing all at once! Wake up, Kate, and smell the coffee!

I'll go down as originally planned about 12:30 or so...  and we'll sing a little with K & M. And all will be - is now - absolutely perfect. I just love how things work out for me. 

Now, I've played frisbee with Zia for about a half hour; now for some quality time with my ukulele.

 

Day 66 ~ First Day in Sun Valley Pet/House Sitting

"I don't even know if I am or I am not.
When I think I am, I find myself worthless,
when I think I am not, I find my value.
Like my thoughts, I die and rise again each day."  Rumi

Moved out here at noon. It's SO quiet...  mm-mmm-mmmm...

more later, time to play with Zia who does NOT follow 11 inches behind my heels!

Day 65

So, I no longer resist knowing that I am undisciplined.

            ...............sigh

Even now, I want to explain or minimize or..
I almost typed, "..but I get the ALL the important things done!".
And before it was in my fingers I heard so many of my friends/mentors/sages of all ages saying, "Know thyself, is more important."

Right now, joy is proving hard to feel. Pensive...  old habit energy.
Likely to be related to snow, and to the push/pull of this week out of the house (only 7-8 miles away on a pet job for Jim).

I've been thinking, ah...a week in a silent house. Sleep. Just one dependent. Sleep. Feeding two instead of 5. Sleep. :)

Joel does not want me to go - to the point of tears. And that's a rarity for her.     I'm still going.
I know, but did not fully realize, that a conversation months ago about a paid week away - regardless of how well you might have thought it all out - does NOT necessarily translate into something that is still true now.
Joel knows how to yank my chains. And often I've responded reacted before I catch on to her. Sifu says Tai Chi will put distance between her trigger and my reaction so that I can decide on a response instead.
In any case, I will be making at least one trip a day into town.

I've been preparing/packing for about 3 days. It's a mini-move. :) Taking my Uke and the books. And the Kindle, of course, and a couple of 'real' books.

I expect to enjoy the time away. And perhaps I can make these remaining days a promise to myself.

For the record: 30 min. on my butt Friday, none on Thursday. Tai chi on Thursday and Saturday, none of either so far today.

ahh... she awakens.  TTFN

 

OMGoodness: Day 61! WTH?!

A week and a half! Damn!  So much for Practice.

Since I last posted on Nov. 8th, Joel had another scare and ended up in the ER again. As she was going to bed one night, and was lifting her legs - or trying to lift them, she got a bolt of awful pain that could not be relieved by anything she or I could do. She was, literally, screaming with pain...and continued to do so as I called the EMTs. And with that level of pain, she wants only a doctor. period. That was the night of the 10th. She stayed in the ER for about 5 hours while they considered what they could do. They re-x-rayed her chest and added a shot of her right leg/knee, and pumped her full of a pain med that wouldn't conflict with the Percoset she had already taken. There was no one present (at midnight) to read the x-rays, so they asked her/us if she was willing to go home. She was. (yea) But, now she is really dopey and the leg - while no longer painful - was sore. They/she decided to put her in a full leg splint so that she could be confident that it wouldn't fold up on her. But on trying to figure out how to get her into my little Hyundai, (not possible with a splinted leg), it was decided that the EMTs would transport her home and help me get her into bed. We would not have made it without their help. We have 6 steps and a long gravel pathway to get inside. We all worried about the splint. Immobility is the enemy of joint recovery! So, Joel slept in the splint that night, but we took it off in the morning. After she got up, moved a bit, made it into her chair; we put the splint back on - fairly loosely -  and waited for the PT. It all turned out ok. She lost a couple of degrees of flexion, but had it back again thru her exercises, by the 12th. Whew!

I don't really remember these next days as separate days, so I can't really tell you what I did when. I know there were days when I spent time with my butt in a chair, sometimes using the guided meditations, sometimes not. A few days I did a little Tai Chi, most often, the 5 Elements form. It's faster, and I can do it in my house dress...  crappy reason for not doing the Yang form, but all I have as excuse.

On the evening of the 15th, we had ANOTHER scare - even me this time.. Joel reported a bad gripping chest pain! It grabbed her, ramped up from 5 to 10 on the pain scale in just seconds, lasted several seconds, then began to subside. She experienced 3 of these things in about a half hour or so, each one a little less intense. Joel is thinking heart attack, of course. I'm thinking, how can that be; every test on her heart has been beautiful and she's had a bunch of checks in the last couple of weeks.
We reported it to home health who had the on-call nurse call us. Her advice was to go to the ER if it occurred again. Well, they did occur again, but with less intensity and of shorter duration. I then called our friend/nurse/administrator at Home Health and had a fairly long chat with her about all these symptoms and the possible causes.

At this point Joel is adamant about NOT going back to the ER (not the finest hospital in the world). And I'm concerned that we are going to 'wear out our welcome' with Medicare/Medicaid and end up with a staggering EMT bill we can't pay.
But I heard Joel belching..and then I realized that this could all be digestive. She has an incredibly sensitive digestive system...and I had fed her a lunch from a generic 'helper' type of semi-instant food she'd never eaten before...   another factor tipping the scale toward that choice is Joel's diverticulosis, a digestive condition.

Jennifer agreed with the idea of giving Joel some club soda to induce more belching and told us to call the EMTs if another episode occurred.

Thankfully, the club soda worked well enough that even Joel became convinced that the episodes were really just heartburn and not a heart attack. After a time as the sypmtoms failed to reoccur, she went to bed, sleeping with her head elevated a bit. Double whew!

Now, we're four days past that and confident that no heart problems exist. Symptoms have not recurred. Additional good news is that she has been taken off the Coumadin! Sunday, the 17th was the last dose of that medicine.
Joel has dropped way off the Percoset again, and is doing very well with her exercises, etc. Flexion is back up with the last measurement being 108 degrees. That's HUGE! We're very happy.

*************************

All of this is just a long way of telling you/me/Universe how tough things have been (on me) and making up excuses for my almost complete lack of focus on these 100 Days.  I've come back to the meditation as of two days ago, but they are unfocused and I've used the CD to even remain in the chair. I've done zero focused tai chi in this week beyond helping a beginning student once or twice.

I hear the excuses. I recognize the lack of discipline and maybe the laziness. Though as the tears threaten a little, I know I want to claim fatigue as at least a partial reason.  I seem to be washing clothes and floors constantly as three out of 5 members of this household are constantly peeing or pooping or spraying on them. Yes, I know; that's TMI. Everyone in this home is a bit off center, and have been for while. Carmel may be the only exception; he is enjoying his new heated condo in the mudroom. :)

So add a little pet-related guilt to the mix. That's real. I've just not made the time to take Maxie for her walks. Joel's problem is mostly just not having much time between the impulse and the fact. Bearly is - I don't know what! I can take him to the back yard 6 times in a day, and still find that he has pooped somewhere inside. I can only guess and all the things I've done wrong on that front.

I won't get started on the quality of the floor cleaning; everything leaves it streaky. Do NOT buy a cheap laminate ever! Finding a good product for cleaning them has proven impossible.

I have had a glimmer or two of insight. One is evident in this post. It's not really that I'm wearing a 'hair shirt', though that phrase did come to mind. I've just been wanting you to know that this is tough on me, too. Of course, you do already know that. Some of you have lived this care-giving stuff in ways that are just beyond me ability to comprehend, yet.

I'll be doing some more work with these ideas as they come to me. I'm not calling it quits on the 100 Days; there are still 39 left and a lot can shift in that time. 

 

Days 48 & 49

JOEL WALKED WITH JUST A CANE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Joel's extension and flexion continue to improve; astounding when I consider how little work she actually puts in.) ( also, the doc thinks the breathing problems may come from a long undiagnosed issue such as asthma or similar and has added a Rx for that. )

Must step back to Wednesday for a moment. I thought I might get a chance to go to my TC class, but the PT, Marla (whom we love, btw) didn't leave until about 5:45.  sigh
I'm going to try for Saturday, but that's unlikely. Getting all the meds done, dogs fed/walked, & just stuff by 8:00 am is just not possible unless Joel wakes by 6:00 and that's not really in her best interest.

The day (Wed) was crazy with a trip to the doc, one visit from a nurse, and the PT. It all went pretty well but that sort of schedule is wearing on both of us. It takes a full 20 minutes just to gather stuff and get to the car. 
In addition to that I was not letting the dogs out on the right schedule. (Those babies are getting short shrift these days.) I found that Maxie had pooped in our bedroom, less than a foot away from a potty pad. She knows how to pee on one. ?? And yes, I can tell who left the piles.
When I found the same thing later that night, I almost lost it. Pressure had been building all afternoon. I knew it, could feel it, just couldn't get 10 minutes without someone needing something. 

I'm pretty happy with how I resolved it so I'm going to brag on it a bit...AND I attribute it to the Practice, so it fits here, right?! :)

I took several deep breaths to cap the energy just a bit, then I came to Joel and told her that I was confident that she was well enough, and not drug-dopey, so that she could hear me; please listen. I let her know that I wasn't angry with her, personally, but that I was about to blow a gasket. Told her I was taking one hour to myself in our bedroom and that she would need her loudest whistle and a dire emergency to interrupt me. I took a couple of minutes to make sure she had water, ice on the leg, etc. then I went to my cloister.

It worked so well.

I dealt with the physical energy by making beds and rearranging furniture, then by some stretching exercises, and lastly a couple of rounds thru the 5 Elements form. Then I sat. Just sat on the side of the bed and breathed.  and breathed.. And breathed...  :)  I didn't attempt any real meditation, just tried to notice where the tension was and relax it...and breathe.
I know there is a crying jag waiting for me, too, but that didn't come up this time.

When I rejoined my family I was happy and calm. It was the end of the day by then, of course, so Joel was pretty well settled and the animals were quiet. We watched a little TV, then went to bed with no drama and no tension. Lovely. And I got the best sleep.

Thursday, Day 48, is so much history already that I don't remember whether I did any of my Practice or not.

Today, with Joel doing so well, I found it easy to just ask for and take some private time this morning after all the 'stuff' was done. I got almost 25 minutes of sitting in before one of my own (forgotten) timers went off. Shortly after I've fixed lunch for Joel, I'll take some time for Tai Chi.

Oh, almost forgot... a lovely present for me! My friend Jessica came over about 1:00 in the afternoon on Thursday and gave me a 30 minute chair massage. What a treat, and SO timely. She gets stars for the gift, I get a few for accepting it so easily.

I have noticed during this time that the tension in my belly has returned. And I think that I can now say that it is rage that lives there. Even in the Tai Chi practice, that is the last thing I'm able to relax now, and it doesn't last long; do it over and over...
Some of the surface reasons are that Joel tends to whimper, moan, and whine. That behavior sets my teeth on edge. But what I felt/noticed Wednesday was way bigger than can be explained by that. I'm not sure what it is, but now I have a direction for some of this work.

So, now it's time for lunch. All is well. The Practice is continuing in its/my way. Old habit energy would like me to make some big deal about how poorly I'm doing it, but evidence of Wednesday and my commitment to this Practice, and very timely support from a couple of Great Friends are helping me change that, too.

I'll close today with two great quotes that came across my computer this week:

"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." -Eden Phillpotts

"Look to the beauty for truth. And to what hurts, for its beauty."
- Tut, Notes from the Universe

TTFN

 

 

Days 45 ~ 46 ~ 47

It's funny. I have to open my own blog to see which day I last posted! Thank goodness I didn't make posting a part of the 100 days.

Day 45 was largely a repeat of Sunday. Joel began stepping back from the Percoset a bit, down by almost half of the doses she was taking.  And that changed the 'every-four-hours' thing a lot. Good for both of us. She still has breathing treatments to do - prescribed every 4 hours, but when the symptoms seem considerably less or not present, or she's sleeping, I let more time pass between them.

Yesterday was Joel's 73rd birthday. It was a good day overall. She got cards and calls and visits from 3 of her closest friends. It wasn't really a gifts occasion, but Carol brought her a set of 3 golf balls in Chicago Bears colors and logo! Her favorite thing. We were lax on exercises and such. That's our excuse, and we're sticking with it. That was Day 46: there was no meditation and no tai chi, but I DID get to play with the Karaoke machine. Joel likes to hear me, and singing, for me, is a kind of bliss almost as useful as the rest of the Practice. Last night it was lovely.

The PT people have been really happy with her range of motion. She's very pleased and I'm amazed; we both were afraid that she might have lost ground because there was just no way to do all those exercises. But the trips to the bathroom, which were frequent, were apparently enough. She has 100% extension (a huge gold star from the PTs) and 92 degrees of flexion. That's really good, and even more impressive when you consider all that has been affecting her activity and attitude. Yippee!!

I don't even remember Monday (Day 45) except for the fact that K & M were back in town, came by, and let me take advantage of their presence to go to Wally World! There was SO much stuff we were low on. Paper products being some of the most important these days.

This (Day 47) was the calmest quietest morning I've experienced in ages. Dealt with a few chores, then was able to sit awhile. Not long...mind was full of plans and lists for getting Joel to her 1:30 doc appt. That's a big job now...we'll start out for the car a bit before 1:00, and we'll run her oxygen at a higher rate while she's doing that. Reminds me, I'll need an extra totebag! :)
remembering all the paraphenalia is a chore of it's own.

(Sidetracking seems to happen a lot; just go with it. :) )

I was able to get in a full 30 minutes or more of Tai Chi this morning! Wife and dogs slept in! What a nice morning.  With luck, one of our friends will wife-sit tonight and I'll get to attend a class. That will be quite lovely.

Things are going like they go. I'm learning more about flow. And I'm beginning to learn when my own rest is more important than whether home health finds dirty dishes in the sink.
That's a big lesson for me, just in case you don't know that. 

Gotta go... Thanks for checking in. :)

Day 44

Oh, my goodness! Two days in a row. A minor miracle. The major miracle was...

        ...a brief, bright, sparkling moment
                I relaxed  -  crouching tiger

I'm no longer looking for a mystery.  I'm looking for a memory
that I will recognize as familiar.         

..and the reading was titled "Triumph".

Joel went to bed at 7:00 last night; her next meds were at 11:00. I made good use of my time with a few chores and some quiet time. Turned off the TV, played a little music.

And saved 45 minutes for 'putting my butt in a chair'. It turned out to be amazing. I'm too short on sleep to just count breaths, so I turned on the massage unit that fits my chair.  I just used the vibration and the tone of the sound to blot out other noises and for focus. I was there a very short time.

But I found, thankfully, a sense of relaxation in the way that Jim means it in Tai Chi, I think. When I wrote those notes last night the words 'crouching tiger' did come to mind. But in the moment, what I felt was a kind of elasticity and balance, and a profound exhaling of more than my breath. I seemed to be able to take breaths of endless length. Just to contemplate that experience is relaxing also.

LOL 
...and then there is today. Joel is turning a corner in this experience of hers. The passage began about 2:30 am and is continuing. She has needed quite a bit of physical help through this, but I've been able to accomplish several household things: filing mail and laundry, and animals and stuff. You know what I mean, in ways I'm only now discovering. I'm grateful for all I've learned from my buddhas. Thanks to L and J and E and N.

I'm very happy.  tired, tis true; but Very Happy!
sweet dreams...

Day 43 and catching up on Day 42

OK.

That's rumor, of course. There is little direct evidence that things are really ok, and I'm going down for a nap the next time Joel does. I'm pooped.

Friday, Day 42 was spent with Joel and a home health nurse who was just certain she could take care of Joel's constipation with one of a few tools in her bag. All of her efforts were for naught, including an enema. The duration of this is now so long that it is becoming a medical issue of its own and is impacting (no pun intended) her physical therapy.

Much of the day is spent in meds management. Pills every four hours, a breathing treatment every four hours, a lap around the house every two hours (if I can get her to do it), and pushing fluids constantly. She's on oxygen now, but is a mouth-breather from the trumpet days, so remembering to breath correctly takes some monitoring of its own. And every home health visit is made by a different person.

I want a nap, then a big comfy lap with some rocking, please; and a chance to catch up on household stuff like restocking the pantry... This is SO unlike the recovery from her heart surgery.

That is my list of excuses for not meditating yesterday nor so far today, and for doing no tai chi yet.

I'm still breathing carefully and thoughtfully many times in the day; and practicing tai chi in the way that I help Joel get up from a chair, or manage O2 cords and such... but it's not really a Practice right now  ... and that feels very crappy to me.

I'm heading for a shower; then the 'routine'; then we are both napping - with luck I can get 3 hours.

ttfn

Day 39 (redux) and Day 40 and today ~ Day 41

How wrong can one woman be about her plans for the day?! Isn't there some joke about the way to make God laugh is just to make a few plans? Holy cow, is she chuckling now!

Tuesday (day 39) started beautifully as posted here recently.
Then turned.

Joel woke up, and then could not catch her breath. Period. I've forgotten if it was just the getting up, but I think she had made the trek to the bathroom, then back to bed where she takes pills and starts dressing.
Well, Tuesday, she just could not get her breath regulated/slowed enough. She called the doc's office and we headed down there. I won't do details here, because it's almost time for the dogs to be up even if Joel doesn't quite yet....
But... it all was about her breathing and lung capacity. They were worried about a possible pulmonary embolism - and absolutely terrified Joie when she understood that. And she has had a couple of days from hell, including an ambulance ride, more tests, and an overnight in the hospital.

We're back home now; she'll be on oxygen for at least a few weeks; her CPap machine will be changed. And we're almost back to square one...square three, perhaps, on her knee rehab.

I have managed quite a bit of controlled breathing in various places over these two days, and have used some QiGong techniques to help that. And today, Day 41, I did manage 30 minutes with my butt in a chair counting inhales and exhales. I can't call it meditation. And I have not done any Tai Chi. Somehow, I'll get that statement changed today.

And I've used our friends So Much over the last few days - for dog sitting that I'm almost feeling guilty about it. Takes some practice (of its own kind) to stay out of that.  And I MUST use them tonight because I promised to run the Halloween Karaoke Show at Cree Country Club. Not only do I value keeping promises, but it is a tad late to cancel a public show. Thankfully, Marcia (different one), will be there to handle the mics and the patter. All I have to do is run the computer.
And, lordy, do I need a night out of here.  The usual angels Kathryn & Marcia will be here with Joel.

So, the practice of my Practice is a jumbled mess right now, but is still happening in its way. I'm not sure my sifu will agree, exactly. But it feels like the best I could have done.
Oh, how that old habit energy wants to beat on me today...  I won't go there. no, I won't...

Day 39 ~ a totally different start

I slept. And the morning is gorgeous. ..almost said sunrise, but I didn't get up (to stay) until 8:20. Most wonderful. Sleep has been on short supply.
I used the phone (gentler alarm) to wake us for the night-time meds; best sleep I've had since we got home.

However... I have a wife-sitter coming in just over an hour so I can go OUT to the grocery store and  couple of errands. yeah!
And that means that for now, the practice of my Practice will have to wait for later in the day. That should be easy; there are no nurses or PT's or anything coming back today. I'll be back later to check in. See ya...

Day 38

I can scarcely believe that this is Day 38.

Meditation is what it is for me, still. Today I started with just breath but switched to the guided meditation about 5 minutes in. That runs for about 15 minutes, then I was able to continue with just breath again. I think about 35 minutes altogether...  That seems to be my current wall for duration.

The form so far consisted of 3 cycles thru the 5 Elements Form. I like that form more and more and I especially like it in the morning. It feels like such a great way to greet the day. I will make some time for Yang later in the day, but for now, I can't get to clothes without risking waking folks. And I'm a little possessive of this quiet time. Maxie is with me; she wouldn't have stayed in a bed empty of mamas. Bearly is sleeping with Joel. Cool.

He's staying very close to her since he came home. I don't know if there is any significance to that, but I like to think so.
And Mango just came in asking for his morning treat and massage.  ..my mistake: today it was treats only.   :)

I'm liking the fact that I'm letting this stuff be as it is. The meditation is shorter than I will be able to do later on, but I'm happy with the time in the chair even when it feels scattered and fruitless, sometimes. I could say the same about the form, too. Some days, it feels that it gets done just so I can report it here. Letting that be ok, too. Old habit energy is beginning to shift.I used to be so quick to judge myself; it is a delight to feel that urge falling away.

I'm happy happy happy with the DISCIPLINE that puts me in the chair and takes me thru one form or the other - sometimes both. Yes, it's partly motivated by my love for my sifu and a desire to make him proud & show him I learn from his teaching. That I learn must be obvious over the years, but the experience is shifting now and becoming deeper and more personal, and is more important to me for MY sake now. Besides, he cares about me like I am, anyway.

And I believe I'm seeing results of the time spent in the way I get thru these days. My patience quotient is way up and that is serving me very well right now, as you might imagine. 

I would spend more time writing. Perhaps that will work out better as the schedule jells...  A PT person from Home Health will be here sometime today. Hope it times will with Joie's meds.

I'm also doing a much better job of taking care of myself, too, during these care-giving days. I've booked a wife-sitter (the angelic K & M) for today so I can go grocery shopping. And I have them coming out again on Thursday so I can help run the Karaoke Party at Cree Country Club. That should be fun! I haven't decided on my costume. I might wear an old Tai Chi jacket and my coolie hat. Or I might wear this... if I can find some ears...

Believe it or not; it's an old post card my Mom sent to me way back in the 80's. My favorite costume.   :)
and I always wanted green eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, have a great day (unless you have other plans); I already started!

Day 37 ~ with some ramblings about Joel

Another gorgeous morning. I love the Fall here. Crisp and bright.

Kathryn and Marcia brought the pups home last evening! Things are beginning to get back to normal.
Sort of...

Meditation this morning was 35 minutes of sitting. It was a drifting thing. My mind wasn't chattering so much as just wandering. My body wanted to sleep some more. I found my first slouch happens in my neck and shoulders. Caught it many times.

Today's reading from 365 Tao, which I read after I sat, was perfect for today - encouraging.

For your edification:

"If I break down the walls, I will be surrounded by the garden.
If I break the levee, water will inundate me.
Meditation is not to be separated from life."

"The task of following Tao is to cease all distinctions between the self and the outside world. It is only a matter of convenience that we label things inside and outside, subjective and objective. Indeed, it is only at elementary stages that we should talk of a Tao to follow. For true enlightenment is the realization not that there is a Tao to follow, but that we ourselves are Tao.

"That understanding comes after a simple breaking down of a wall, a shattering of the mistaken notion that there is something inherent in this life that divides us from Tao. Once the wall is broken, we are inundated by Tao. We are Tao.

"Do we continue to meditate once we come to this understanding? We still do, but it is no longer a solitary and isolated activity. It is a part of life, as natural as breathing. When you can bring yourself to the understanding that there is no difference between you and Tao and that there is no difference between meditation and "ordinary" activities, then you are well on your way to being one with Tao."

This is not to say that..  coming back to this idea later, hopefully. Family morning has interveded. Happily.

Learning a new routine in the house has been a bit of a challenge for me. The only big logistical problem in Joel's getting around with her walker is the fact that our interior doorways are narrower than those in 'real' houses. In most, she can turn sideways, practice her side-step and get thru with little problem. The doorway to the small (but most used) bathroom is another matter. Her best walker won't fit thru, period. So the narrower borrowed walker lives in that bathroom. We should filn that process: a walker, a cane, then a second walker. But it works.

And Joel even thought of a way go protect her leg when the dogs are ready to crawl all over here. We have a plastic step-stool that is the perfect size to straddle that knee. Works perfectly. In bed at night we use a couple of firm pillows held in place with the blankets. That works, too. Hooray.
Joel and the pups are in bed now, while she eats breakfast and the morning meds work. Bearly is on top of her legs, and Maxie is beside her. When her pills kick in in about 20 more minutes, she'll do her laps around the house, then head to the den where she does her exercises.

And now I'm settled much more, too. Between Joel and me and the home health nurse, Jennifer, we have the right furniture in the right places with the right accessories close by. She's beginning to feel confident enough to get up and move by herself, though I'm still standing by. Jennifer says that the 'standing by' phase could be two more weeks or so...  possibly less depending on how much work she does. And man, it is work. It's hard for her to see beyond the immediate pain stuff, but she's going to be very pleasantly surprised one day when she realizes how much stronger she has become just because of what this surgery is requiring of her. Tres cool, as far as I'm concerned.

But, this post is not really about all that. It's about my Practice and my practice of it.

I got interrupted in this When Joel woke; it was coming shortly anyway because her dosing schedule calls for pills at 9:45. I had taken the both dogs to the den with me when I woke about 7:00. They, thankfully were willing to go back to sleep on the couch under a blanket with only a little bit of cuddling. I got some of my quiet time. :)

exercise time... will finish later...or not. :)

 

Day 36 ~

It's shortly after 9:00. I sleep between meds doses: 1:45 - 5:45 and 6:00 to when I wake - usually 7:30-8:00.
I've done 35 minutes of sitting in the chair. And I've read today's 365 Tao. The poem part is this:

"Fog makes the world a painting obscure.
Even close trees are half unseen.
But a lonesome crow won't stop calling:
He objects to being in this dream."

 

The last line of the reading is:

"We have eyes to see, but we also have voice to refute the existential delusion."

 

My Tai Chi class read that today; I miss them, and the discussion that might have followed. But I'll be up in a minute from here, and I will finish the Form with them.

My sitting brought me, I think, a method for letting the dogs sleep in the room and still protect Joel's leg. We'll see what she thinks later.

And Jennifer - our favorite home health person in the World - will be here by late morning. So looking forward to that!

Beautiful, bright, sunny morning. All is well. Even when I forget to remember. :)

Day 35 ~ and a catch-up of a couple

This is Friday, our first full day home after Joel's surgery in ABQ. We got in last night about 6 or so.

Yesterday, #34, was not our happiest in spite of getting to come home. The exit process was rushed and weird. Then they handed me two prescriptions for pain meds (her next dose was due in 45 minutes!) and said we could go.  ...What?
"May I have the drugs to get her home on? That's 188 miles! No, you can't; that's illegal.
Can we sit here for 45 minutes so you can dose her? No, she's been released. But you can go to the drug store. There's one just down the street." 

I was fit to be tied!

That put both ends of the trip -  getting her in and out of a low-slung car, at home navigating a gravel pathway and 6 steps - on the wrong ends of her meds.

I don't remember if I did meditation. There was no Tai Chi in the morning; I didn't want to miss any of the exit nurses or their information, so I was there by 8:00.

Day #33 was MUCH better than Thursday and probably made getting thru the tough one easier.  That was Wednesday and I wasn't feeling much time pressure. I did both of my practices while still at the motel. Joel was in good hands and doing well. Spent the day at the hospital then picked up a friend for a drink and a Thai dinner. Then we took some food to Joel and she got a good visit with Andi.
I found something to stress over in the walker that we had, but I told people and left big notes and the word got thru. We got the one she needs.

And after taking Andi home, I still had a nice quiet evening at home in the motel.

Now, we're back to today, and I did not find many moments for quiet reflection...until now.
There was a glitch in the orders so the Home Health folks had never heard of us. Left messages. Fretted.
But with my newfound understanding about pain management, I was strict with doses, and got most of her exercises out of her in the morning. She slept a lot, but walked again in the late afternoon. And by 5:00 dear Jennifer found an email about us and reasons for the mix-up were discovered and understood.
Most of the morning was spent changing furniture and figuring out how Joel could get around. And tracking down extra blankets. Anyway.... 

I found some time in the afternoon when I thought a little meditation would be in order. Could not pull it off; couldn't stop fidgeting; mind scattered and racing.
I switched to Tai Chi and after awhile I began to relax somewhat. I just focused (repeatedly) on finding places that were tight and relaxing them. Today my shoulders were the most actively tight. Couldn't seem to keep them off my ears! :)

It worked like meditation for me today.

One minute I think I picked one Hell of a time for my 100 Days, and then I think, I picked a Hell of a time for these 100 Days!

Now, it's time for meds. Then two more hours of silence.

Day 32

Today was fix the car day, and I slept a bit later than I meant, so no meditation or Tai Chi at the start of the day. The car thing didn't turn out to be just what we thought - the recall issue - so I ended up spending cash. Nice to have it available.

In the course of wandering around the hospital I found a cool, little-used waiting area on Joel's floor, where part of the floor is linoleum. That is now my new perfect place for TC when I am here.

Meditation will be tonight after some Chinese food or something...

I'm tired, a bit bored, and short on patience tonight. Definitely a night for some quiet time.

good night.

Day 30 ~ Traveling & Playing

I didn't even realize I had not posted for day 30. That was Sunday, our day to pack up and head to ABQ for the surgery. K & M came, too. They meant to host us there at the Casino Hotel, but since We had to check Joel in at 6:00 am, we decided to go on to our own little favorite Econolodge. I dropped Joel off with the girls and went on to get unpacked and enjoy a little quiet.

While they played the one-armed-bandits, I made friends with a bartender who shared a new creation of his own: a cocktail he calls Honey Harvest. Very tasty! And I actually got something for MY money! Ha Ha...

We splurged on dinner at Embers, a steakhouse, then Joel and I left the girls playing and vwent to bed early.

I did do a fair amount of tai chi at the motel before I rejoined the girls. Had a couple of witnesses, and I think I scared the handyman. :)  Not really, of course, but I had to tell him it was ok to come past me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Day 31 !

I have SO many lovey words in my mind....
I LOVE how things just keep working out for me. Feels like my version of a couple (thousand) little buddhas'/esthers'/abrahams'/four-leggeds' description of the right path for me for now.

(any grammarians going crazy out there, yet?) 

Joel's surgery went off with amazing efficiency and good cheer. Great people willing to laugh, and we planned it that way. Joel just loves making people laugh and they like her for it. (I found out by reading it a list published by some med magazine...  how do you spell DU-UH! )

My meditation today consists of noticing this fact:
Joel feels her way into medical situations of various seriousness with people by showing her interest in them, personally, and by telling her stories or jokes, to make them like her. I tend to research my way into these situations by learning 'the rules' and the physical layout, etc. so they will like me because I'm a good girl.

I'm beginning to get it about a certain amount of playfulness in ways I never have before. And Joel just had a good dose of the merit of my lists. One bottom line: balance equals moderation. I'm also understanding that there is more to know about my sifu's ending to that phrase: ... in all things except moderation.

I'm on a short break from the hospital so I won't linger.

I did go wandering a bit though and found, across the street north is a church which has a perfect spot for tai chi. Though I've done it here at the hotel in a fine place, this one is very cool energetically, and acousticly

Joel had PT today, too, btw, and did better than either of us expected! They had her out of bed - standing up (with walker), AND she took 4 side steps. lesson in both walking and walker. Huge success.

Oh, I do want to share this: I'm enjoying a bunch of terrific home grown JUICY cherry tomatoes (thanks Cleis), and I'm sopping it all up with a good chunk of a mini bread loaf leftover from Embers. yum.

oh, yeah, I'm noticing...

.... almost lost that thought entirely - I'm noticing that all that angst just MIGHT be old habit energy, too, and the OCD thing  well, you just never know.

I love my life and I'm eager for more! Angst and all. It seems like a wiser kind of crazy than bungee jumping.

Day 29 ~ I'm REALLY here today.

Days 26, 27, & 28 were all written today... just getting thru the postings to get to this one.

I soloed today on the meditation.

I started out looking at a few books, since I finished the reading of Zen and the Art of Archery. I set aside 3 or 4 for consideration as the next one, and to take with me to ABQ on Sunday. Wow, that's tomorrow!!

Today's reading in the 365 Tao, though, is what really started the day and the meditation. What follows is what I think of as the 'poem' part:

"Summer withered grass to flaxen yellow,
Scorched leaves to brittle paper,
Dried lakes to cracked clay.
Chill Autumn brought little relief--
Only frosted the debastation.
        But with the early gentle rains,
        The earth's fissures softened
        And desiccated plants began to dissolve,
Slowly, balance comes once again."

The text continues with a reference to old people and our longer-range view and how that teaches us to notice that balance comes in cycles, in the course of Nature's progression.

This one seems extra important today. And I decided to forego the guided meditation today. I just sat. Well, I just sat after noticing the time. I, the Ego, wants to measure how well I do and uses time to count that.

So I just sat -- with my thoughts. Almost immediately tears came. I wandered into the past - looked at a friend from those days - another mother -
cried --
breathed -- sometimes I counted out the inhales & exhales --
and just sat -- with my thoughts and my emotions.  And now

I feel better. And so my Ego knows I marked it, I sat there for almost a half hour. When I 'needed' to check the time, I knew that I was finished with meditation for this moment.  ; )

I did only one cycle of the 5 Elements form after that. I have Tai Chi class soon, and I didn't want to leave this room. And I wanted to post this now - not later when I have lost some of the sense of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~To catch up on the last three days, and explain why the posts look as they do...

Joel had to have one more test done before she could be cleared for surgery. A heart doc had to do an EKG and pass on her readiness for the knee work. Could it happen here? Anywhere closer than ABQ? Well, maybe, but not Wednesday and we had a doc appt here with Dr. Martinez. She had to clear Joel, too.

So, to ABQ we go, again. an up and back. Yea for K & M who kept the dogs...even took them Tuesday night after Karaoke so we slept better and got on the road by 7:00. We arrived over an hour early for our 11:15 appointment, but found that was a VERY good thing. We were done with that and out of there before 11:30. Yippee! I'll make it home in time for Tai Chi class.

We did make it home in time. We picked up the dogs and were back in the house before 4:30. Did I go to class? No. My best excuse is the dogs; they DO miss us/me; I just didn't want to leave the house again. For me, too. No more car...  I know that was the old habit energy working; more than a bit lazy...

We got a call from the PA in ABQ. It seems that Joel has a staph infection they want to treat with a nasal ointment, and a kidney infection that they prescribed another antibiotic for - one she'd never taken - a generic Bactrim. Guess what!

Joel is allergic to Bactrim. Oh, my Goodness!! She got so SO sick. She started feeling bad about 1:00 am and woke me just before 3:00. It was NOT good. Lots of pain in too many places, shortness of breath, extreme weakness...weird and scary. She didn't want to get up, and then she thought maybe I could drive her to the ER, then NO... then...
BS, I'm now thinking. I called the EMTs; let them know they didn't have to come with sirens blazing, but do please come now...
Fire/Rescue got here first, put her on some oxygen, and started asking questions. Shortly after that, the EMT's arrived, asked more questions; discussed with us the new antibiotics. It was their opinion that the drugs were just 'working' and that she would just have to ride out they symptoms; and that they would lessen as the infection was battled...  and we had a doc appointment for that afternoon, anyway, right?

So, Joel suffered for many more hours while I watched. It was not pleasant. She was not very coherent, IMO, but was able to doze a little. When she did, I tried to. 

Meanwhile, I made phone calls to ABQ to tell them what was happening, and to our local doc's nurse to see if there was something else to be done. There wasn't really, so we just waited out the time.
Dr. Martinez decided that it was all really allergic reaction to the Bactrim. They gave Joel a steroid shot to help with the symptoms and told us to call Friday morning (yesterday) to report in. The next step TBD from that call.

So Thursday was a day of limbo of sorts. I worked on my lists and my piles. (I ask you, what else should an OCD person be doing when she can't really do anything else?!!)
And I continued my search for a form for a new Advanced Health Directive. I'd forgotten how long ago we did ours. Just a limbo day. Chores; Chorkies; and mind Chatter.

Did it occur to me to meditate? No.

Did it occur to me to do the form? No.

BUT/AND by end of day Friday, Joel is completely over the drug reactions. Dr. M has prescribed an antibiotic Joel has taken and tolerated well. Doc also told us that it was NOT a kidney infection, but only a urinary tract infection, and that she could still clear Joel for the knee surgery. The PA in ABQ agrees. Whew! Got that paperwork. What a relief.

My biggest fear in these few days is that one of these infections or the reaction to the (wrong) drug would prevent us from keeping this surgery date. And I have made a promise to Jim about Thanksgiving and keeping his dog, and...   Just everything about scheduling. When? how? oh, no!?!!

So this morning, in my real meditation, I let a LOT of that tension go. A lot.

It's a great morning.
(Ego is saying, 'if I don't mess up again, I can still get my 100 days out of this 102...)
I've gotta laugh; it is funny, right?

Yeah, it really IS funny. And I'm not that same girl as in the past. I brought her with me, and she holds a lot of good stuff for me. I pulled her in from the 'feminine side'. I'm keeping all the best parts and letting go of the rest.

And now, I can hear my Family. They are up, and they left me alone. Oh happy day. :)

 

Day 28 ~ Getting back to normal?

Ah... exhale. Joel is fine; we're still (surprisingly!) on the same surgical schedule.  I used the CD and the readings again. I was doing some Tai Chi when the Family arose, and I was able to finish: about 3 cycles thru with repeated sections in the second one...

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 27 ~ a kind of limbo

Joel had a nasty reaction to a new Rx. Even had the EMTs out about 3 am. Practice languished ...more, perhaps, later

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 26 ~ Wednesday

The Day happened; the Practice didn't... excuses to follow... Had to make another trip to Albuquerque.

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 25

Well, on a purely physical level I guess I can say I practiced my Practice today.

But, I could not keep my mind off the treadmill. Spinning, spinning, spinning...  on hospital checklists, and packing checklists, and what will the dogs need, and ouch my tummy hurts, and WTH; this is no kind of practice...  and on and on as I can do so well......................

I'm noticing, too, that my belly is tighter all the time. And I don't mean in a good way! And not just this morning. So stuff is up; just not sure what. Control, of course. As I try to let go with one hand, I pick up more stuff with the other. Since now I'm appointment manager for the family, learning balance will be key. That will come from the Practice, as soon as I can make it real.

I'm seriously considering a dose or two of alprazolam. Haven't used it in ages. Is that copping out on the Practice? I don't know that right now. Might have an answer later.

So today I am feeling very UNself-disciplined and very lazy and too busy, also not in a good way.

And just for fun (and to test my ability to stay calm?) I got a water bill with an extra 4650 gallons of water use. Had them re-read it; discovered a leak...bye-bye to $325. The plumber says the Village or R will credit back some of the extra $$ if I present the paid bill...will try that at later today.

Going to have to take time for this Practice out of different parts of the day, too. It works beautifully if I wake at 5:00 or earlier. When I wake later, as I did this morning, I end up feeling that I've raced just to get thru it before the Family wakes. That, basically, kills the Practice before I even get started. And adds to the mind chatter and the tummy aches.

So.
Something will be a little different by the end of today, just don't know what, yet.

 

Day 24 ~ Monday, Oct. 14th

Meditation was short and unsatisfying this morning. I spent the time in the chair, but little of me - other than my physical self - was present in the chair.

Tai Chi went much better, I'm happy to say. I don't remember how many complete cycles I did. I repeated several parts. Focused most on breathing and where the inhales and exhales could be more complete, more slow, more in congruity with my motions.

Happy Monday

I'm making my piles for ABQ and Joel's surgery trip. We go up Sunday for surgery Monday.
I want to treat this trip - including the parts spent at the hospital - as a bit of a retreat. I'm interested to see how calm I can remain; how long it takes me to notice when I'm NOT calm; what tools I use where; etc.

It feels like there is a bit of 'testing myself' involved with these plans. I'd rather that weren't true, but I know myself at least well enough to know that the 'test' is a piece of it all.   :)

There is a new wrinkle in the trip for me that takes me - that WOULD HAVE taken me - completely out of my comfort zone but for this 102 Days thing.
Kathryn and Marcia are coming up Sunday, too, and are sharing a room with us on that Sunday night at the Isleta Casino. Their choice and their treat.
Now, Joel and I must check in to the hospital BY 6:00 AM. That alone would have made a morning Practice tricky, but in a room of our own it would certainly have been doable. I've done it quite successfully before. Not sure how it will go in a room with others who claim they can sleep thru anything.

Almost Everything about sharing space with others hits multiple buttons of the OCD sort. From the snoring (ours & theirs), the VERY early wake-up time, disturbing others...you name it; I don't want to share it.
But it is a really sweet thing for them to want to do. They want to be around for Joel's surgery and will remain long enough to make sure she has come thru it well. And Joel wants it and is very pleased that they want to be there. She also loves Casinos. As do they.
So I will rock & roll with this as best I can. I'm predicting that it will go about a hundred times more smoothly than I expect, and my Practice will grow proportionally.

:)

Day 23

October 13th. Man, time really flies!

Nancy slept in (in Florida) this morning, so I was able to get meditations and readings in before our Skype call. Very nice! I simply don't remember if I did Tai Chi then or not. I think so, but since I have no memory of it, maybe not. I know I did not do it after the Family was up.

I may have to make posting here a part of the challenge. I'm finding that if I don't post fairly soon after the Practice, I don't remember just what I've done.

Happy Day.

 

Day 22

Saturday is Tai Chi class day.
In addition to that, I did the 5 Elements form just after meditation - O Dark Thirty.

Friday and Saturday were VERY windy; spent very little time outside.

 

Day 21

Chatter-chatter-chatter will my rabid-monkey brain never be silent?!

It's a gorgeous morning again today. I'm having lunch with a good friend. Very happy about that.

The meditation practice is done. I let a cat cut me short. (whew) And I found myself slouching in the chair. Over and over!
Perhaps my zafu will help tomorrow, if the hips allow. We'll check it after I finish this posting. Working on the breath in the meditation part didn't really seem to help this morning. The best I can say is that I stayed there for 20 minutes. The worst that I can say is that I fidgeted, and thought way too much for my satisfaction.
And there is the rub, I see. I don't need shouldn't need to be satisfied. My goal, over these 102 days, is to lose as much of Ego as I can.  Judging my 'performance' lets me know that I am not closer to that.

Zen and the Art of Archery is helping a little with perspective. In the Japanese schools these disciplines are taught over years, not some little series of days.

Tai Chi, this morning, went quite a bit better, I think. Here, forcusing on the breath DID help. I began and ended this section of my Practice with the 5 Elements form, and practiced the Yang for 3 full times with some repeats of some sections...about 20 minutes, but it felt much better than yesterday. Though my mind chattered, it seemed easier to get back into the breath and out of my head, for moments at a time. :)

And one day, I'll be measuring the efforts less, too.  Funny woman... 

Be happy in the day, if you choose.

Bears Won last night!

Day 20

It seems a bit tricky to get these posts done on the day of the Day, if you know what I mean.
Day 20 was yesterday. The practice went well. Mind still dances like crazy.

I don't actually remember specifics, and that is the reason I'd like to get a short posting done on the same day.  A little adjustment to routine should fix that.

Days 18 and 19

All went well. My worry was for nothing... well, not exactly for nothing. I'm grasping, hopefully, that worry really is a waste of time.  And I did relax into my favorite: it will all work out well. Sure enough, it did. Details later maybe, but they are not important. 
Everything remains on schedule for Joel's surgery on Oct. 21 st.

Meditation and Tai Chi in a small hotel room proved to be interesting. I used my cell phone for a flashlight. :) and I had the presence of mind to put everything to hand before we sacked out. 365 Tao, Zen and the Art of Archery, and my tiny portable CD player... yes, I know I'm hopelessly lagging behind the techno trends of the day.

The Yang form simply would not fit in the room. I did a couple of repetitions of 5 Elements, then did 3 of Yang outside the room after the sun and Joel were up. Nice. Beautiful day.

This morning was nice, too. Back home in my normal space. And wonder of all wonders, the Family slept in until 9:15 am when I woke 'em up myself.

I'm liking this 102 Days. It's really working. and however much the mind chatters, the butt stays in the chair. 

Whew!

Off to Tai Chi class in 5 minutes, in the glorious fall light of this beautiful area in which I live.

have a great evening; I am.  :)

 

 

Day 17

All done.

Meditation consisted of only the guided breath; fifteen minutes. The form..

well, it's done, too. But mostly for the sake of the discipline. Mind chattered thru almost all of it. I kept holding my breath thru the 3rd kick, even though I went thru that section a couple of extra times.

I'm distracted. Buttons are trembling. I want to blame someone for it, but it's really only me. At least, I know that much.
I forgot to check on some details required before we see the PA tomorrow. Now I'm very concerned that IF we can't take care of them all in the course of today, we will lose our PA appt, not to mention the scheduled surgery date. (I worry so well; it is only in looking back right now that I can see that it's really all ok.. part of the plan, so to speak. Doesn't feel good right now)

So, technically, I've done my practice for today. The Practice will be ongoing, and quite probably intermittent. I will practice my Practice, though, and will return to breath whenever I notice that I'm in some other place than peace.

Day 16 ...I know there was one..

Day 16, yesterday, was Sunday. Sundays begin - have begun up to now - with a Skype date with a good good friend who now lives in Florida. We begin within a few minutes of my waking because of time differences and privacy and daily 'stuff'. 

As for my Practice yesterday, I just forgot it. No awareness, no consciousness at all, it seems. I think I had begun the meditation when Bearly arrived to greet me, signaling the rising of the Family. I know that I never returned to it, nor did the form or Practice ever really occur to me again.

I enjoyed two walks with the dogs; enjoyed the breeze in the morning (with a sweater!) and reveled in the late afternoon sunlight later in the day.

I hesitate even to click the 'Consciousness' category button ... I touched that state only briefly and intermittently yesterday.     ...sigh...

Day 15

Much easier day this moring. I would liked to have slept a bit longer, but I opted for the time to take care of my Practice before class this morning. Meditation went well... Well, I have to say it doesn't really feel like meditation, yet. My mind chatters like crazy.

But the discipline factor has kicked in and I just keep sitting thru it, returning to breath each time I notice I've slipped off into mental ramblings.

I used the 5 Elements form for the TC practice this morning. It felt good and felt like enough because the TC class met this morning. Love that class and my dear Sifu.

Next year at this time, however, I am skipping class. It's AspenFest and I want to see the parade. I imagine a tailgate brunch and some comfy folding chairs... Yes, there is good chi there!

TTFN Have a great weekend. I am.

Day 14 ~ and a fable about awareness, or the lack thereof.

I had to laugh...

            ...but I couldn't for a couple of hours! :)            ...next time, I'll put a protein bar in my purse.

This morning's routine could have gone swimmingly but for last night. Two glasses of wine completely did me in, and caught up with me all at once about 8:45. I got there at 6:00 because I'm learning about using the system as a KJ so that Marcia and I can cover for Pete on Halloween Night.

OK...you don't really need the back story - bottom line: commitment kept today.

But it was all interesting to me so I'm going to write about it anyway.

We did a little shopping, including picking up some wonderful chicken gumbo from Mario's for supper, then we picked both dogs up from the groomer about 2:30.

They were just gorgeous; Maxie, especially, was a treat. She was the foundling you may remember. While she had been bathed a couple of times since we got her, she had not been treated to a coat & skin conditioner and had a professional styling and pedicure. I'm so sorry I didn't take pictures!

The treat for all of us on such an auspicious occasion is a trip to Sonic, of course. Joel's treat is a peanut butter fudge malt w/triple malt well mixed, please. The pups go a little crazy over vanilla ice cream. (and I get their left-overs!) Yesterday, they even got to taste the malt because the crew left out the chocolate. They were quite happy. And it's fun for me to scoot the seat back, drop the back rest almost flat and sit crossways so I can feed the pups while they stay in their seats. (a. they like looking out & the fresh air, and b. I like the response from the 'neighbors' in the next station)    :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aren't they just the cutest?

So, then there were various things involved with 'stuff', then getting dressed. I knew I wanted to have some wine so I remembered gumbo, ice cream, and mis-remembered how much I'd really consumed. As it turned out, it was not enough to absorb two glasses of Merlot, and they hit with a bang. Had to go home.  I didn't feel drunk, but I did feel sick. Not the fun I had expected and I only sang once!

This morning was a real exercise in discipline. I'll bet I sat down for meditation about 5 times before I could keep my butt in the chair. (started about 5:15). It was agony. And I did it all to myself. Silly girl.
In any case, I got to really exercise my discipline muscle. I just kept sitting back down. Over and Over... 

Ultimately, I sat with the guided meditation thru 2 segments, about 30 minutes, and was just doing some breathing on my own when the dogs came in to kiss me good morning.

Tai Chi happened about noon. My mind was chattering most of the time, but I got three repetitions done.

I see that this process is going to feel very slow for awhile. But interesting, and instructive little revelations are beginning to seep in, I think.  I feel good about this morning's work.

Just now came in from a glorious late afternoon walk with Maxie. I love the light here just before dusk.

night-night...

Day 13

I had a wonderful morning with lots of time for everything I wanted to do.

I even had time to come here to post about it.

And then, I stepped completely out of awareness, and logged out of Typepad without saving it or publishing it...  so much for conscious living.  LOL!

A further goal of the Practice, present, but unstated specifically, is to carry my new awareness/consciousness into 'the world'. Into my daily routine.  :)

I woke earlier; and I charge that to intention. I don't plan on setting alarm clocks; that seems like a particularly awful way to wake up.

After putting out cat food, and starting the coffee, etc. I spent some time with today's reading from 365 Tao. I listened to the guided meditation and practiced the breathing. Then I carried on with the breathing and sat another 25 minutes: an exercise in self-discipline. Focusing on breath really helps. Mind is still chattering, but I just kept coming back.

I followed that with Tai Chi. I did three full cycles with repetition in the first two on sections that I wanted to explore further: Snake creeps, and the 3 kicks.  I was able to stay much more present than has been usual for me in the past, and coming back when I did wander was easier.

The Family woke shortly after that. A lovely morning. Joel and I had a great conversation - not our usual coffee and computers. Been for a walk with Maxie on a(nother) GLORIOUS morning.

Day 13 and all is well. I'm such a happy woman. I just love how everything keeps working out for me!

 

 

Day 12 ...and to catch up Day 11

Well, I practiced today. And I have TC class tonight (for an extra star :) )

This morning was slower paced than yesterday's and with more time between my arising and the waking of the rest of my family. Nice.
TC practice happened about noon. Felt distracted so I just worked a few moves in the middle, mostly. Looking forward to going to class later. The light on the drive out will be splendid.

Yesterday - Day 11

I woke early enough to start the coffee, feed the cats, ablutions, etc. and still have more than enough time to take time with the meditation. I read from 365 Tao, stretched a little, spent 20 nice minutes breathing and listening and watching my mind bounce around.

I could use a different POV on those thoughts/music. And I'm also (repeatedly) relaxing into the process of this 100 Days, rather than measuring changes I can't see.

But from the moment that Family awakened, the day just escaped from my control. One of the dogs (I know who) peed through the whole bedding down to the mattress pad. That's a big load of obstacle in the road on a Karaoke morning! Had planned on doing regular laundry anyway, so just took longer. Within all that, I kept letting the chores run the day. That, and my Ego which pushes for a different level of 'picking up the house' since people are coming over.
( I must say, that Karaoke Clean-up day is making normal maintenance easier.)

I thought of TC all day. I consciously put a shower first; taking out the trash first; walking the dog; making breakfast; laundry...everything ahead of the practice.
And by the time everyone left and we cleared up, it was already today...you know, the next day.

I'm choosing to take yesterday's repeatedly relaxing into the process as a sign of progress toward a greater connection.

And now, after writing this, I feel better about how yesterday went.  Interesting...

 

Day 10

Happy Day 10.

I'm beginning to settle in to a routine. On the best mornings I'm up somewhere between 4:30 and 5:30 or 6:00. On those mornings it's easy to get both meditation and Tai Chi done while the household is still asleep. I enjoy it more when I get the meditation portion done before the pups wake up. Even with a door closed, they can make their presence felt.  :)

And the Tai Chi has been easier to get into the day even when everyone is up. Once the dogs are fed and walked, and the 2nd cup is consumed, we all fall into our regular rhythms and just ignore one another for several hours. All good...

In the form today, I found my mind wandering rather a lot. I switched to a very fast pace for the next set, and then slowed it all way down to a molasses pace for the last one. The changes helped a lot. The slower one felt more relaxing today.

It's a good day... again.