KateThoughts

Day 14 ~ and a fable about awareness, or the lack thereof.

I had to laugh...

            ...but I couldn't for a couple of hours! :)            ...next time, I'll put a protein bar in my purse.

This morning's routine could have gone swimmingly but for last night. Two glasses of wine completely did me in, and caught up with me all at once about 8:45. I got there at 6:00 because I'm learning about using the system as a KJ so that Marcia and I can cover for Pete on Halloween Night.

OK...you don't really need the back story - bottom line: commitment kept today.

But it was all interesting to me so I'm going to write about it anyway.

We did a little shopping, including picking up some wonderful chicken gumbo from Mario's for supper, then we picked both dogs up from the groomer about 2:30.

They were just gorgeous; Maxie, especially, was a treat. She was the foundling you may remember. While she had been bathed a couple of times since we got her, she had not been treated to a coat & skin conditioner and had a professional styling and pedicure. I'm so sorry I didn't take pictures!

The treat for all of us on such an auspicious occasion is a trip to Sonic, of course. Joel's treat is a peanut butter fudge malt w/triple malt well mixed, please. The pups go a little crazy over vanilla ice cream. (and I get their left-overs!) Yesterday, they even got to taste the malt because the crew left out the chocolate. They were quite happy. And it's fun for me to scoot the seat back, drop the back rest almost flat and sit crossways so I can feed the pups while they stay in their seats. (a. they like looking out & the fresh air, and b. I like the response from the 'neighbors' in the next station)    :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aren't they just the cutest?

So, then there were various things involved with 'stuff', then getting dressed. I knew I wanted to have some wine so I remembered gumbo, ice cream, and mis-remembered how much I'd really consumed. As it turned out, it was not enough to absorb two glasses of Merlot, and they hit with a bang. Had to go home.  I didn't feel drunk, but I did feel sick. Not the fun I had expected and I only sang once!

This morning was a real exercise in discipline. I'll bet I sat down for meditation about 5 times before I could keep my butt in the chair. (started about 5:15). It was agony. And I did it all to myself. Silly girl.
In any case, I got to really exercise my discipline muscle. I just kept sitting back down. Over and Over... 

Ultimately, I sat with the guided meditation thru 2 segments, about 30 minutes, and was just doing some breathing on my own when the dogs came in to kiss me good morning.

Tai Chi happened about noon. My mind was chattering most of the time, but I got three repetitions done.

I see that this process is going to feel very slow for awhile. But interesting, and instructive little revelations are beginning to seep in, I think.  I feel good about this morning's work.

Just now came in from a glorious late afternoon walk with Maxie. I love the light here just before dusk.

night-night...

Preparing For What You Want - from Abraham

I'm mostly saving this here for myself...
but you might like it, too.

It speaks to me of process - how I need to think and feel in my now.

 

 

Aging Well ~ the Quest

Somehow this morning (cosmically led, perhaps?), I came upon this old post of Ronni Bennett's from several years ago. Her post is about May-December romances. Mine is other...

I was struck by this excerpt:

"Carolyn Heilbrun, in her book, Writing a Woman’s Life, acknowledges the well-known invisibility that envelops most women at middle age, but she goes on in a manner I find encouraging:

“We will move invisibly for a time, to relearn seeing and to forget being seen. As we grow slowly visible, we will be heard more and seen less. Our voices will ramify, our bodies will become a house for our new spirit.”.

And there are younger men who find that spirit more attractive than mere youth.

I'm particularly struck by the phrase, "to relearn seeing and to forget being seen". I have spent so much of my life aware of, concerned about, and afraid of what others think of me that, at times, I've been almost paralyzed. (Wonderful to have moved from that place!)

"To relearn seeing"    
When I was living that fear, what was I seeing? What do I need to relearn? I think it is not so much a re-learning process as it is a new learning process. I thought I was seeing - looking at - but, I was really only seeing myself, and so concerned with 'what' people saw when they looked at me that I could give no thought at all for the 'who' they might have seen. And the 'who' - the real me - was invisible, largely because I was so outwardly focused.

As I'm aging, (thank you, god) the rest of that quote is becoming true. Again, Thank God.
I am becoming more visible - to myself - than I have ever been. I'm more clear on the 'who' that I am, more brave, and my body is becoming the "house for my spirit".

I had to look up ramified, and I find that that is true for me, too. I am more complex; and my spirit, my interests, indeed, my own voice are multifaceted and much more powerful.

"To forget being seen"
In some ways, this seemed easier for me for many years. What that ease turned out to be was, at first, just an amazing ability to avoid mirrors. It started with cameras and other people's photos of me. I just got tired of that coy, "oh, no, my hair looks terrible" type of BS and came to realize that I would never have to look at them; could forget that they existed. What a relief it was to say, 'Sure, go ahead". and just smile.  

Now, I can consider the thought that I am truly blind if I am too much concerned with 'being seen'. I don't really see other people, or the truth of a situation if I am concerned with how I look or what others think.

Now, I know that looking in is for my meditation or prayer. I can forget that anyone is looking. My years and my path have brought a perspective that we only gain by growing older. With a bit of open-mindedness I might even be(come) wise. As for being seen; the only opinion that really matters is my own. I'm concerned with how closely I stand by my values. When I remember these things, I am in great shape: happy, content, integrous.

"Heard more, seen less"
I can't say that I am seen less. What do I know of what another really sees? I do know that I care less. And this blog attests to the fact that I have stuff to say. Do you hear me?   :)
Guess what...even that matters less to me, and ultimately matters not at all.

It seems a bit curious to me.
As I age, I seem to look inward much more in some respects (usually related to self-knowledge), and to become more self-centered. I think it is in some relationship to my interest in dying well. I'll continue that exploration the rest of my life, I suppose. And I can see that I also see others much better, or with thinner blinders. Perspective again, I'm sure.

As Bette says, "From a distance..."

State of the Person (the Union is fine, thanks)

Dropped out of ITP

Could not really grasp how horrible that group turned out for me.
NO, I mean that the process and I are not a fit at this time.

The Kata was/is actually fairly easy - it worked my body, don't get me wrong. And I think I will continue it to some degree.
What I found was a TON of old baggage about 'promises' and, a bigee to me, I found out Big-Time how I feel when I make a wrong choice.

There was a period of 2-3 months before ITP began in mid-January where many folks met to see 'what's next'. It began as a group to talk about the workings at HMHC and making determinations about various aspects of the work there. It quickly became something else when one person brought the ITP idea to the group. There were several weeks of discussion before a commitment was required.

All through that process, I was 'waffling' - flip-flopping, if you will.

Now, what do I know about that sort of behavior?
well....silly...I know that if the answer is Yes, it will come with bells and whistles and lots of jumping up & down.
Was I jumping up & down about ITP? No.

What else do I know?
Well, I know that I seek more solitude.
I know that I have been hearing the call of the cave for many months.
That's why I've been lightening my load (or attempting to) at HMHC for a long time.

So, what happens when I ignore these things that I KNOW?
Holy Shit! I just go crazy!
I get emotional; I get stomach aches; I cry through the 'get-current' section of each meeting!
and, to top it off, ITP is Not For that. It is not designed to deal with real baggage. It's a very short section of the meetings. They want to know what you're doing; how much you're doing/not doing; how much you relate the physical to the mind/spirit/soul, etc. They are perfectly willing to support one to that end - the integration of body, mind, soul, heart - and we had some very good exercises that worked to do that.

I missed one meeting, too sick (read out-of-my-body/mind); then attended one more where I 'spilled my guts'. One thing true about me is that I simply do not know how to dissemble very well.
But even there, the whole truth did not feel appropriate. I wasn't safe to take myself into that group with all my warts and whiskers showing.

A fellow member (who's a friend) offered a conversation about this and I took him up on it a few days later. I did feel safe talking to Mike, and I talked about some of the big baggage - commitments, promises, cost of keeping/not keeping them, personal values, and my 'pull' from god, and why I think I said 'yes' instead of  listening to my own gut. He agreed with my assessment of the group, it's purpose, and it's tolerance for my level of baggage.

Overall, this has been an educational, and very revealing enterprise. In some ways, I miss them; in most ways, I do not.
I have to practice, still, a consciousness about 'disappointing' myself & others.
But that's normal for me     ; >)

What am I doing instead?

Joel & I joined the local athletic club to swim (makes me chuckle just to associate the two of us and the word 'athletic'). We've done so ONCE! but we're slow starters, and it will get better. The facility is wonderful, not expensive and the pool is huge. Also comes with much more should I choose to add stuff.

I've also pulled out that beautiful bass guitar that I bought over a year ago - and just HAD to have. I've tuned it and have started to learn (relearn) to play.
I've almost got the studio in good working order. So that will be a fun place to play.
I was offered, and accepted, the channeling of my own Soul Song, and will use that in my own meditations. Perhaps it will help to open me to my own dear OmniCrone and allow me to understand the pull I feel toward god...maybe change the pull to a 'call'.

I'm  more calm, more comfortable - I think that is a good thing.
We'll see how it goes.

And as you see - the two or three who read this - I'm not showing up here on the blog very much.
I hope that will change, grow, become richer.
I have no agenda about that right now.

Thanks for hanging in with me.

ITP ~ Integral Transformative Program

Well, OK...here I go again.

I'm finally working with a couple of women who are learning to take some of the High Mesa computer work off my hands! Hallelujah!!!!!!

And it's just in time, because I'm about to start a new adventure. And for this primarily sedentary, separate ol' girl, this will be a really big change.

The ITP is a program created by George Leonard & Michael Murphy, of Esalen fame, (or infamy depending on who you read) and is designed to help individuals make lasting changes in the way we live our lives by blending Heart, Mind, Soul, and Body. We'll do this by committing to various daily practices such as exercise, visualizations, and meditation. And we add an additional critical component of 'community' by meeting weekly to discuss the process and how we're getting thru it all. The whole effort is based on The Life We Are Given, and Mastery.

This may be one of the scariest things I have ever done - but then, I'm very good at 'doing it scared'!
The fear has a lot to do with the thought that this might actually WORK!
OMG.

Daily practice.
daily - as in EVERY day.
daily - as in a 45 minute Kata
daily - as in 30 minutes of aerobic exercise
daily - as in strength training
daily - as in 4 carefully crafted affirmations (yeah, I know, but....this is DIFFERENT!)
daily - as in I become conscious of every morsel I put in my mouth! OMG!!!!! (that's conscious - not   necessarily changing anything about 'what' goes in, but...well, you know what happens when you     wake up!)

For quite a bit of time I've called myself The Omnicrone. But I don't put that out to many people. I don't know how to 'own' that. With this new practice, I might actually have to step up and prove that I am the omnicrone. What if I actually come to believe that there really IS no space between me and god? What if I actually come to understand that I can channel love to the whole world? What if.....?

I was trying to loose myself from High Mesa so that I could get ALONE. I've been hearing the convent calling for some time. No, not THAT one, just the cave in the hills or something. And now, I've committed to meeting with 15 other folks every week for 6 months, with a re-up coming at the end of that. OMG!

Oh, my God, indeed. That really is my goal: to get past all the old junk that keeps me focused on the 'I'm not worthy to be a little piece of god'. Even when I know better, intellectually, I keep myself at a distance somehow.

So here it is. My chance to own up to my godliness, my 'created in the image of'-ness.

I'm scared.
I'm really vulnerable.
I'm committed.

BTW: the fourth affirmation is one that all participants share - not just us, but every group member ~ you might find it useful, too.

"My entire being is balanced, vital, and healthy."

...and so it is...

Change...

lots of stuff going on these days.

I'm back to take a look at where I am, where I've been, what's up, and what I believe....
As you can see, the look has changed here. That's a little minor change.

My work at HMHC was 'supposed' to change - get lighter - require less time - move from computer manipulation and notification and into something closer to my heart...oh, well...
My replacement may turn out to be a helper, but she's not a replacement. And while there IS a small piece of me that appreciates the idea of being irreplaceable, it surely gets in the way of my current goals.

The pressure of this work is some of the stuff that sent me off into a stress overload that necessitated an intervention that manifested itself in several ways, including a brief use of anti-anxiety drugs and a few sessions with a cognitive therapist.  Thankfully, all that work is, indeed, working.

I'm much better at seeing what's happening early on. I'm WAY much better at looking at and setting my boundaries around the time I spend. And I have been lavishly praised  for the stuff I do. That always helps, don't you know.    :)

I'm pulled toward solitude.
I can't seem to find it.

My next step is with a group forming now (beginning the work in January) called ITP, or Integral Transformative Practice. We will follow the work of George Leonard and Michael Murphy as discussed in the books, The Life We Are Given and Mastery. These men are strongly connected to Esalen Institute where this process was created and tested. People have been following this work for almost 15 years now with great success.

I've got to tell you, it is VERY scary to me. Even though it seems to me to be the ONE thing that might actually move me to do/be all that I want, the level of commitment is huge. We've had about 4 meetings to introduce the group and let folks know just what will be expected. And I find that it is likely to hit precisely every one of my remaining 'buttons': daily practice, trust, money, and the bigee...can I/will I DO it. Additionally, this group has as a major goal the development of  'community' within the group. We are to bond, work together, and perhaps even give back in some way to our larger community as a group.                            Solitude?     ...not here...?

Whew.

So, in the meantime, and since I have nothing else to do...   (lol)
I've unpacked EVERY box that got sent to San Antonio (for the move that didn't happen), and everything we had stored in the tops of closets or under the stairs. Every item had to find a real home: the right place in the house, or one of my two favorite thrift stores, or to the designated shelves for the soon-to-be-launched EBay store, or to the trash/recycle/etc.

I filled 5 bookcases with books and selected trinkets. I've sorted thru a million items. We still have a couple of collections to deal with. Joel has turtles; I have bells, and before I can unbox them they HAVE to have a place to live. They are in a corner awaiting the 'right' display unit. They must go into something that fits them, looks great, and is easy to dust (or the bells, at least, will be gone).
I am adamant about it!
There will be NOTHING  'stored' in my house except the Christmas stuff, and that, too, is undergoing a major reduction in quantity.  We'll probably only keep the ornaments and some of the lights and garlands for outside. We don't really DO Christmas, anyway.

All this get-rid-of-it frenzy is making it possible to reorganize the studio and all our craft and home maintenance stuff, and create a workout area there. Can't wait to get this project DONE!!!!
Should be done...
...what am I holding onto at HMHC that keeps the 'real' replacement from showing up????!!!!

I'd love to stay and chat, but
HMHC calls...   aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

(Barbara, don't take it personally! It's not about you. And you know I love you!)