KateThoughts

2018 - Done & Over. What will begin with tomorrow's dawn?

It's New Year's Eve.

I'm not sure what will appear on this page, but my readings this morning have encouraged me to take a look at last year, and/or contemplate the New One coming.

My personal evolution has been profound in some ways this year. I like what I wrote about it last July.
My more open heart is holding steady. I'm gentler with myself.

I will break William's glass today.

I think I have not written about this anywhere... The back story:
William is my bow mentor, my archery instructor, and a crazy man with an odd world view. He is many things to me, not all of them comfortable.
One day I went to him with a heart and mind full of angst and confusion. We talked, then he led a meditation for us. And at the end of our time that day he gave to me a tall glass (just a Bahama Mama cocktail glass!) and told me that one day I would be ready to break that glass. I don't remember all his actual words, but they have come to live in me, and now it is time. It has been time for a bit, but I have hesitated over breaking the glass, wanting to be sure that the changes are real and that evolution is really happening.  But today is the last day of a year of transition. Today is a good day for breaking things like old habit energy and cocktail glasses.

I've asked Jessica to come by if she can.   

I'll be breaking with old habits.

Now what do I want to attract in the New Year?
More music! More Kate & Mel!
I met these two women thru a mutual friend. Hallelujah!! 
They make music like you wouldn't believe. Mel has a voice like an absolute angel! (she IS one, I think)
And Kate brings a calmness, a personal confidence in herself, a huge ...compassion seems closest to what I feel from her.
Not to mention her skills on all my percussion toys! I am very happy in their company.

And they aid and abet the torch singer that I bring to our Tuesday Karaoke sessions something fierce!
And the harmonies we three can make fill my ears with magic and my heart with such a profound joy!

It feels a tad tricky to come up with one overriding "something" to place as a focus for 2019.  The KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Sweetie) is the best thing for me.
So, in 2019, I will be more consistently compassionate and will listen more than I speak. 

To that end, I will continue to take better care of my physical self, as well as my psycho/spiritual evolution.

A shift in language? Drafted in September; forgotten till now...

"Solidarity With Women's Struggles All Over the World"

" Join me and Help Fight Plastic Pollution!"

"...who lost his battle with  x disease on ..."

I'm fighting traffic; chasing a dream; struggling with x;

"War on Drugs; Poverty;

 

So, now that I'm looking for them, I find no appropriate quotes, but my point is about all the battle/fighting language that is rampant in the American culture now. Maybe Western culture, but I sorta blame that on us, so...

I mean, i DO have a vague conspiracy theory that the global 1%  are blissfully happy that their plans to own the planet are going so well..., but
I can't effect the global stuff.  I'm not really interested in the daily minutiae of details that pass for news because it is all spoken in that same battle language.

That's just Us & Them talk to me. And I don't really get why it is not obviously so to more people.
Us & Them = Divisive = Taking/Choosing Sides = Anger = Intolerance = Violence = War & Destruction

Could we be Earthlings?    or Humans?   or as Joel would have had it: Hooman Beans?

Back to my point:
I believe that our thoughts & words have energy in the same way that our bodies do.

 

 

Very cool little stories..not so simple...

"My father he always say that the oil is already inside the student, already there from all time. The teacher only has a match and makes it light, and then the student isn’t a student anymore, just a friend, going the same way down the dark road but seeing now by himself.”

 “You have to believe your own oil is there, though, or nobody can lights it.”

 

"The point of it was: Don’t make your own life in reaction to others. So maybe the whole trick of the spiritual search was “To thine own self be true.” Maybe the real work was just scraping off layer upon layer of conditioning, assumption, and imitation, and finding, somewhere in the depths, your actual face. Maybe that’s what Rinpoche meant by “you understand you’re not you.”

 

"he kept telling me how brave I’d been to go first, how he might have gone only on the child’s slide if I hadn’t been there, how he might not have gone down a second time after seeing how fast we went on the first. And so on. He had conquered, in a small way, his supposed fear of “high.” But I suspected then, and I suspect to this day, that it was all a trick. By the second run on the faster slide I realized that the proper technique involved a complete letting go, an abandoning of oneself to the fates, the skill of the waterslide engineers, and the conscientiousness of the county inspectors. A mindless, illogical trust. Was there no spirchal lesson there?"

 

 

all ― from "Lunch with Buddha"  by Roland Merullo

 

I'm on Breakfast with Buddha, now, and will follow that with Dinner with...

 

All fiction of the 'spirchal' sort, my kind of reading material.

And I'm using Insight Timer now, some, too...   but, as with other pet-jobs, I tend to veg on TV and too much food when I'm in someone else's house..

 

Merullo writes with wonderful skill and uses language in ways that delight me. That's a large part of the attraction in these little books.

I don't claim to be Christian, as he is, but he doesn't make those tenets the point of his stories. 

If I do it here, I don't need/want to spew it all over my friends.

I came over to the blog today, because I saw that $4.95 on the bank statement, and I don't use this much anymore, so I thought I'd just drop it...

I read the last post - in June last summer. Maybe this space has more value than I've noticed.  And in any case, I don't want that last post to be the last post, you know?

I WAS sinking into a hole of depression back then.  And fatigue. And it got so much worse.

What I didn't understand at the time, was that I was also sinking into a serious bout of anemia that, by late October, had me in a clinic for transfusions. I had NEVER experienced the kind of resurgence that the transfusion caused in my general health, and most surprising to me was how completely connected is my physical and mental health.  The depression eased, and it became much simpler to use the tools I've learned to turn the depression away.

There have been tests and consultations and in early January, I will have a small laparoscopic surgery to correct the circumstances that have caused intermittent extreme anemia.  It's lovely to have a real solution to the issue!

And I'll keep paying that $4.95 for awhile. I'm thinking that, in general, I'm so much better off to do my own ruminating here...

so, see you again one day

 

Juxtaposition......? wtf

https://kevinhester.live/2016/04/24/the-pain-you-feel-is-capitalism-and-the-living-planet-dying/

I read the one above first, and followed the link to the pain-is-capitalism article. Haven't followed the other links yet.

 

https://jackkornfield.com/right-understanding/

This Kornfield article was posted immediately under my 'status' of "I am confounded".

 

I think/believe/? that both of these sources contain truths about certain things that are mostly beyond my ken.

The 'worldly' stuff of the first links prompt me into a general depression that I would have been unable to alter in previous years. Depression is fairly normal and quite comfortable for me, so it is easy to stay there. I've also noticed that it is most often triggered, these days, because I have not kept myself off the freaking Facebook. What a cess pool that place has become.
I am extremely grateful for what feels like progress to me, in that I can turn the depression off now, through music and the steps I take to be aware of and correct my course when the 'path' heads in that direction.

The Kornfield link (and many like it) hold/speak of values that I choose to adopt, though I have not chosen Buddhism or its ilk.
I do want to be loving and kind and honest and helpful.

And even now, as I sit at this computer and try to decide how to express these feelings, I hear....

Well, for now...

        I am confounded.

Triggers and Releases....and questions

This article was linked on Facebook this morning:

“The blues is the truth.”

Like all of Jack Kornfield's stuff that I have read, this is excellent and 'right on', as they say.

 

But it brought up for me, that weird and fairly ferocious anger that I feel in traffic.  And more and more, I can notice, breathe, and let go of it, laughing at myself as I move to the right lane and exhale...

But in this article, Kornfield is talking about present situation anger and how to deal with that.
What happens to me in the car is not present stuff. I still don't know for sure what it is. It has to do with control and judgment, and a level of rage that is completely unrelated to cars, driving, or the traffic. I know that because I hear the words in my head, as I begin the internal dialogue that helps me get out of that anger at that time, most of the time. There is cussing, name-calling and screaming, and stamping the foot not on the gas pedal... not pretty.  (No, I don't honk at people or flip them off or...)

I like to think it's getting better.
and maybe it is... can't really tell, though.

I also like to think that I don't need to go after it and find out what it is, really. I like this thought A LOT!

 

There are some real, very old, reasons why the anger could be legitimate...back then...
But, now, these traffic experiences are telling me that I have left some old shit unfinished, and I come in & out of various levels of concern for myself and my continued evolution. Currently, I'm doing very little spiritual reading or listening...think it's time to hear my OWN inner voice.
I suspect she will speak to me on this subject one day.

And meanwhile, Have a great day, unless you have other plans...

 

Dear Prudence...

Not to plagiarize the Beatles. but I almost put this on Facebook... 

I've considered emigration, but I think it is not currently possible to do so in a cross-species manner.
I'm thinking maybe it would be better to be a mixed breed short hair with some Abyssinian showing.  (had one like that; Gorgeous animal)

Is any one else embarrassed to be part of the only animal species hell-bent on killing each other, every other species of animals, as well as ourselves and the very planet?

I sort of thought I had it together...and don't get me wrong: in SO many ways, I do. I'm actually very happy.
...as long as I can NOT think about what we human animals are currently engaged in. Or, at least, when I do have to think of it; I think Human Extinction Event and then I feel better.

A good distraction starting today: Acoustic Bass Lessons begin again TODAY!

Have a good day, yourself. You're the only one who can make it so, remember? :)

Three Months gone, this time...

I came over to Typepad today to downgrade this account to the basic free one, since I rarely write anymore, only to find that there IS NO free one, and I've been grandfathered (grandmothered?) in at $4.95. Cheapest rate as of now is $8.95. Wow. Guess I'll leave it for now.

It's funny in a way...I had a thought last night..seemed random..as I was walking into the bedroom. "I'm trying too hard."

Hmmm. I think that's right. I've still been 'trying' to be a good girl. Ridiculous! I'm nearly 70. I'm not a girl; I'm a woman - indeed, a Crone! And I'm not good or bad; I'm just here.
So, it seems I listen to others in order to learn - imagine that! And what I might have learned in the past few months and heard last night is that I'm living in a way that is opposed to my highest thoughts and the things I've decided to believe. Things like "I am enough" and "there is no wrong path" and "peace is on the inside".

As of now, I'll be ignoring the monkey message that says I'm a disappointing Tai Chi student, and the ones that say "I know best" or "Do it my way". And the ones that say even worse shit that doesn't need repeating here...or anywhere ever again. I will begin the process of NOT preaching to my friends.
I've gotta say, at this moment, I'd just as soon enter a convent that practices silence, and let someone else tell me what to do and where to be everyday. But since that won't be happening, I'll just take care of myself, and each day will do it a little better than I have done.

So, to update...
Joel is still dead. I like my house. I'd like someone else to clean it. (LOL) I don't particularly like 'The Outdoors' (a relatively new revelation), I'm still lazy, but I think I'll turn it into an art form. And I am still undisciplined, though I may call that spontaneity from now on. I get lonesome sometimes, but never lonely. I talk to cats and several inanimate objects. And I'm just fine.

Over two years since the last post. Still crazy, in my fashion, worrying about it less...

So much has changed since I last came here to type some stuff.

Joel's dead.
Maxie's dead.
Bearly went to live with the in-laws (sort of).
The In-laws (aka best friends) are just barely past the crisis point of their own Huge medical issue; I've been pet-sitting in their house for over a month now.  My Best Friend is entertaining a friend of hers who I do not like at all... just sayin'.., and I miss her.
And my sweet nephew is living thru his own version of hell. His is manifesting as Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Major Depression, some acting-out that docs have called Psychosis, and the ending of his 7 year relationship.
In and around all this stuff, I'm living thru the stages of my grief; learning stuff, still denying some, putting on weight, and thinking about setting some goals.

Quite a ride.

Just drove 1350 miles to Tulsa and back last Sunday-Tuesday. By. My. Self! That is big - HUGE. I've been wondering how I would get to some of my friends farther afield without my spouse and main driver since I succumbed to road-induced hypnosis and drove off the road many years ago.
I won't be worrying about that anymore! :)

Also found out that all those years of coach training are still there and NOT wasted because I didn't start a business.
Seems I listen pretty well. Mediate well. Diffuse drama. Talk straight. and Own my mistakes as soon as I see them.

His parents have brought my nephew, just today, to Lubbock where he may go into a residential program at a facility there. Not the worst idea..maybe the best. I like it that he is closer; that he won't go straight into one of his parents' houses. That he'll get some assessments and maybe some adjustments/changes to meds, etc. He's scared. So is everyone else who loves him. So am I.

But not too much. I feel a bit like I've found a way to make use of SO many things in my life that I have undervalued. My own depression and years of various talk therapists included..my Self, too. I feel useful. That is a good thing.

The aging part is interesting. I really appreciate the perspective that these years provide. I find I still have great stamina...in spite of being over twice as old as my nephew.

I'm old enough, now, to know that life is Good, even when it isn't.  

a post of generalities and stereotypes in an effort to clear my mind of mental clutter and discover something about what I believe

The Buddhists would have me accept suffering as a fact of this physical life, and then have me rise above it (without the arrogance of that phrase ), and meditate my way to a happy and calm center from which all my Right Actions will spring. (I must say that a couple of years in a cave are not entirely unattractive.)

Abraham says that life is supposed to be fun. I can assess my spiritual growth (in some fairly insignificant way) by noticing the levels I have traveled up the Emotional Scale. Anger, for example, being somewhat better than Rage, but not as good as Frustration. To be centered here, I must vibrate correctly...though they might take exception to the word correctly. There is much of Abraham's theories that pull me. It's known as the Law of Attraction.

The religion of my history is very fundamentally Christian.  They want me to subscribe to a Scapegoat theory that I find extremely unpalatable; then I'm told, by Jesus, no less, that I can walk on water and raise dead people, and then I need only give them 10% of the fruit of my talents, the gifts with strings. I believe intellectually understand that I can do anything Jesus did, now.

Psychologists want me to delve into family history to determine who is to blame for my dysfunction. I've gone so far as to select and claim a few of their labels.

There is an Atheist point of view, too, but I class that as the antithesis all of the above. And I notice that the more recent the convert to any of these, the more zealous is her/his discussion of the subject.
Most members of the groups, those more seasoned in the physical/mental/emotional energy used to believe in these theories in this physical Time/Space, seem to be more tolerant, if not actually accepting.

They all, as nearly as I can tell,  want you to believe exactly what they believe, or you are Lost. Each group defines that differently, but they are certain that their way is the One True Right Way.

Just thinking out loud.
I like pieces of all of these and more....  
...just don't care for all of any of them....

 

It's this 'aging' thing...

It's true there is plenty of drama (if you like it like I seem to) in our lives these couple of years.

But the things that are happening to us and to our bodies are less about the years and much more about the choices we made as we got here.   and I'm thinking ...

fun)

would i have it any different now?
    would I wish it to be easier...yes, physically easier. And I make that happen or not depending on the choices I have made since I told my mother (erroneously, as it turned out) that I could take care of myself.

BTW: I now offer tips -

But would I have listened to a 'me' from the future? or a chance meeting at IHOP? or something. probably not.

(just and aside: there is no - not one - comfortable place to sit and read...or type on a computer! just saying)

What I'm  pushing against right now, is how 'aging' is a condition now. As in,
Yeah, I'm doing ok..I just have Aging, you know, and now they're telling me it might be terminal ! sigh...

It's in the language of the health professionals, too. Such a shame...I'm thinking.

I like the knowledge that I have the capacity to choose something different. I still lack faith in my ability to self-discipline. Doubt rears...

and I know I'm choosing when I choose not to change,     ...yet.
And then I chuckle, and go stir the leftover mac & cheese, and close this tonight and read my funny detective story.  sweet dreams kiddies.

Ferangstall

The new word is Ferangstall.

It is Ferocious.  and Ferociousness ......and.......Angst
...................and............Anger
..................................and.........Stalling(? yes, probably..)
.................................................and........................................Drama... certainly...
And All Mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the toothaches subsided, and then came back like a bad habit. This morning, I had two teeth removed and am on antibiotics, myself, now. And they leave a hole that will show. And I am even more vain than I knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About the last thing that happened at AHC of Glendale was a meeting with a speech/cognition therapist. Part of the time all three of us were there. Then she sent me out for a bit while she & Joel did some tests. Then she had me come back. There are some definite issues with Joel's cognition. She is easily distracted; her short-term memory sucks; she can become mildly or moderately paranoid; and some of these symptoms may not go away. Some may. 
No way to know. Both of us miss Chris, the therapist.

She is back in the hospital, but set to go to another rehab as soon as the right wound vac equipment can be ordered and delivered. Perhaps tomorrow, Sunday, the 14th. Maybe Monday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I say I don't want guests and what do I get? Unannounced guests. As soon as Kathryn and Marcia heard that Joel had been readmitted to the hospital, they got in their little car and drove 500 miles to see us. Thankfully, they called me from Tucson so I had a couple of hours to settle into the realization that they were really almost here, and to get over the thoughts of the things they could have brought me had they only asked!  (yes, I'm still me)

And also thankfully, they didn't call because I would have thought of a ton of reasons for them not to come. They stayed only two nights - in my bungalow. It worked! I wish I had had the camera in my hand when Joel saw them standing in the doorway of her room.  Priceless.

It was wonderful. They fed me twice and filled the frig with yummy leftovers. We shared a few beers and lots of laughs and I didn't know how much I needed the sight of a familiar face until I saw theirs.
They left again on Friday, seeing Joel again on the way out. So, in addition to taking care of our two dogs, they drove 1000 miles for us between Wednesday morning and Friday night. It was a perfect experience for me, and extremely generous of them. How can Thank You be enough for that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for busy brains, I found this:
 

Time for bed...maybe a tylenol... sweet dreams, kiddos.

 

and another truth is that

...Joel just told me on the phone that she trusts only the professionals; I am not to instruct. She says she remembers the sessions when all three were there: Joel - PT or OT - Me; but she denies that I learned anything correctly. Yes, my 'feelers' got hurt; yes, I knew it already.

She is still refusing to call nurses. There has been a conversation about that EVERY day. every day since she got there... not just for her safety, they even prevailed upon the liability issue...
and there she was telling me she planned to get up and go to the bathroom and get change clothes, and Hell, No she would not be calling anyone. She can take care of herself, thank you very much.

She can be on two (or more!) sides of an issue in the same conversation.

I let her hear me crying, thinking that might strike a chord. It did; the old one - during which she just gets mad, but claims it's because I'm just too emotional and she doesn't have to deal with my shit.

I'm thinking of not going up there at all tomorrow.

 

oh, and I just showered..after dark.

....in a low-rent hotel.. and I'm this me now, and Norman just didn't have the balls.  Heh!

I've always been enamored - not right word - also not a relevant/important thought since it has escaped my mind entirely. 

good night.

Another truth is that...

I LOVE this shit. The 'angst' and all...  need a name for it..  Maybe Angstall... open to suggestions.  :)

anyway...

It's dramatic; intense; emotional... things I love...had to take a few years of Holotropic Breathwork  to get the emotion OUT, and learn to be ok with that. And now I'm a big advocate for its value.

and Powerful & empowering.  Like F YOU, (overwhelm, traffic, dementia, what EVER you decide to throw at me)...including Joel's apparent conviction that I am abandoning her to horrible torture.

it's very ventilating...head & heart are always clearer afterwards. I can get  tad prideful about that, but it's a phase.

and it's MINE.  It lets me know that the load is too heavy (in that moment); it's calling my attention to a better and different reason to treat myself better. It's my voice. it belongs to no one else.

So all in all 'school' is fine. I would like to be able to carve out a few days of absolute solitude...but so far, I don't see a reasonable way to that that is just not more self-ISH than I can manage right now.

I'm fine with that, too.   For now.

 

my fingers should be able to go as fast as my thoughts, right?

I'm in one of those pissy moods right now. You know, where I want to crawl up into someone's lap and suck my thumb and hear, "there there, dear, it will be alright, you were such a good girl. But, NOO_oo! I've spent some energy working on consciousness, and ...damn!

It's getting really hard to properly enjoy a pity party. I want the lap and I want to be a conscious person. sometimes, it's a hard choice is all I'm saying.  At this moment I choose the lap, so here I am, in yours. ...exhale..   ..........just rambling thoughts now

So I heard last night on a video, Esther/Abraham/Hicks say that 'negative' emotions are guidance,too.

I think my body is hollering one thing, my heart something else, and that 'ego'...it's just more voices.

one of them says you can get off the hook because you're old!   68 this month.  But I don't know what people mean when they deny that age is a number. it is not a condition.

my thoughts fly so fast in my head I can not get them out of my hands. fingers flail.

 

I'm glad I can still feel with this intensity; and sometimes nervous that real consciousness requires that i smooth out the extremes.

and she is not remembering a lot of stuff. and that is scary..scarier than I knew     and I continue to be my version of freaking conscious!, and sometimes it pisses me off, and sometimes it breaks my heart and I want.. i want i i i iiiyiyiyiyy  ... myself and ...ultimately

The cacophony of all the voices and the environmental general NOISE

I've gotta go shut up, but first (lol)
the constancy and variety of the voices, often overlaid with music,,anyway it makes me wonder if I'm not on my way to half crazy myself.   (one voice even says, "God, help me"...  )

 

DAMN. this.
I will have to change some more behaviors/aspects/traits/who knows what-all. hasn't that EVER pissed you off?

ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhDamnittheretheremydearrrrrrrrrrrrr

AZ...a little more

This trip is very little like I expected and exactly like I expected and I'm missing/running from part of the trip...maybe.

I just read the last couple of posts while I had breakfast  - scrambled eggs and cheese. I've got a toothache (getting much better) but have been eating eggs and soups and mashed potatoes for 3 days. Really tired of that menu.    :)   Happy it's been easy to find/make. Mayo always has at least one soup on the menu, and their food is very good.

What I've been running from is the opportunities for meditation that exist in my little bungalow. From the moment I leave this place in the morning I'm bombarded with noise, constantly, until I return here in the evening. The quiet is WAY more valuable to me than I ever knew. Living in a city will be a challenge...though one we may undertake when we get the house sold.

(BTW: I asked a respiration therapist about the differences between Joel's breathing here and at 7000 ft. They won't predict, of course, but she did say that there is a test that can be done as part of Joel's rehab that will simulate high altitude and give us an idea. Who knew?!

Several nights I've been getting home as late as 8:30 or 9:00. By the time I have some food, and clean something, it's already late... So I typically switch to a book...another distraction, rather than just sitting down and contemplating my navel.
It's a switch-off between total escape into a good mystery or a lighter version of spiritual reading: Esther Hicks' kids' series about Sara, or David Michie's The Art of Purring.

I had/have/could have a chance to spend time with a friend of a friend who is a psychic, animal communicator, healer, medium, and massage therapist. But I've put him off twice. First, he wants me to drive to him...and I don't fancy unnecessary driving. Just the commute home is half an hour. And, secondly, he's a he, and about 25 years younger, and all those things I just mentioned. All of which I could probably use, but none of which I really 'get' (except the massage, of course).

It seemed intriguing at first; now I'm nervous about it, uncertain, and a tad not ready. All I can really do right now is to follow my gut and let it go..and him go...

And I'm going to say, just this one time - in this blog where I think I am safe, that I'm fearful of our cash flow situation now, and for this year. We're using the savings to keep me here with Joel. While we have awesome insurance and ALL of her costs are covered by Medicare and insurance, mine are not. They are deductible next year, but are out-of-pocket right now. Also, Texas is underwater, so the cotton crops are in jeopardy. If the planting is not done by June 5th, crop insurance won't cover anything, and that seems nigh on to impossible to accomplish.
There has, maybe, been no time when meditation could be more valuable to me - and no time that it has felt harder to do. Michie's cat is telling me best... known as HHC, she is His Holiness's the Dahli Lama's  Cat... :)

And still I run. Jim's voice is in my head a lot! and I wish...
but wishing doesn't make it so. and while I am good at physically hard stuff, I'm not good at spiritually hard stuff.  Not a fun realization..

And here I go again into tears. I'm seeing now, that despite everything I THOUGHT I had learned, my self esteem still sucks BIG TIME. I can't seem to get myself high enough on my own list of priorities.
One moment I congratulate myself on noticing that, and the next, I chide myself for what seems like so much wasted time.

And how on earth did it get to be 9:30 and I still haven't showered... gotta to be me...best one I can access today.  

TTFN

 

Next time I'll bring my ukelele...

City driving has been a stressor up until now... I qualify that on purpose!

I'm not used to it. Blessedly, Phoenix is laid out in a grid and has THE most wonderful streets and freeways I've ever driven - not that I have all this great experience...but, I HAVE driven in Chicago, though. I'm just saying!
Oncoming headlights bother my vision, and tonight I stayed later at the hospital. And the last several nights have had errands attached to the drive. I have two favorite, and direct, off-freeway streets to Mayo and back home that meet all my physical needs. Tonight is the first one of about 3 that I just came straight home and knew there was something decent for supper and a cold beer in the frig, and not one single chore that HAD to be done.

And I can say home because I've made one in this little space. My sign is Cancer and I'm a perfect fit. I can build a nest anywhere with just a few necessities. Well, a lot more than Jim can travel with, but ...well, I'm still who I am at this moment. And she is a piece of work. I like ice.

My way home on this grid is only a few degrees off of  'into the setting sun'. Happily, my visor takes care of that. When it's too low for the car visor, I wear my red visor. Home is about a 25 minute drive. It's more fun when it's not rush hour. I've learned that there IS a speed that lets you hit all the lights on green, but it works best after 6:30, because earlier, everyone just wants to get wherever as quickly as possible.
I'm working my way downstream from a physically challenging day and the real realization that I make all my own trouble. I hope it's real, this time.
And that I really need to learn how to relax more of me than just parts of my physical body. I don't really like the word, hope, but that's another discussion. I know I'm fearful sometimes, but I'd rather say cautious, and that both of those don't serve me.

Tonight, one of my issues is that I still want to do it the 'right way' even when I know somehow that I have to choose MY way. What the fuck is that!?

And where, the FUCK, are my big girl panties?

And all this...angst.. is going on while I hear the all the voices I've listened to forever.
I've been a guru seeker. No, not you, L. (though there was a time it could have gone that way.)The oldest voices are Fundamentally Christian, but I have many others with varying volumes. And some of the voices say there is no Voice. I want there to be A Voice.
But I don't haven't listen/ed to mine.

I think this is a piece of the listening...

I also noticed that I prefer to yield.
I noticed because of traffic, but it's true everywhere for me.      I think I can make that an asset, though I am not sure that it fully is right now.
And I know it's time to do something else. Good Night. If this still makes sense in the morning, maybe I"ll post it. 

I'm certain that at least one of my readers will 'get me' and also happy that I have so few.  :)
WTF; just publish... Sweet dreamszzz

Been thinking of writing for days... from AZ May 2015 the Heart/Joel Project

Turns out it's about my heart...not exactly. But my experience here is much different than I expected (notice the word) and much more ..

I'm actually quite happy, and enjoying myself in several ways.

NOTE: Remembering one's hard-soled tai chi shoes is good, but not essential. Can't spin, though, and haven't quite figured out how to 'flow' thru it...  Jim'll know.
I'll benefit by the addition of a wheeled conveyance of some kind for all the stuff the not-patient schleps around places. Or maybe it's just THIS non-patient, but I so enjoy being FULLY prepared!
Yes, you're supposed to laugh at that; I'm learning to...

There are emails and texts about Joel and how she is.  So I'm not going to chronicle that here.

What is interesting though, is the amount of "oh, poor you" that I'm getting from one or two.  Truly weird, but I still have to look at ways I might have invited that. might have... LOL
Shouldn't be surprising, really, when I think about it. So MANY people equate tears with some negative...  "oh, poor them"...  Cancel/Clear... they will get it in their own time.

I've just been noticing and thinking about the emotional/physical journey I'm on, and am happy about it. Yes, there has been stress. Stress is not necessarily a bad thing, I find. I learn a lot from it. And I'm quicker to notice, and more likely to understand what's happening with me. And while I am 10 years older than the last time we had such a medical journey, I'm also 10 years wiser. I do enjoy the perspective from here.

The weepy days, for example...even while they were happening, I began to understand that it was because I felt free enough to release some pressure that I had not fully understood I was under.

There may be some expansion on this subject...or not. There is a lovely ear of white corn waiting for me...and some sweet butter... hmm... 
see ya later.

 

Buddhas Abound

Good Morning, World!

I'm glad I stayed for the game.

Today, though the physical sky is cloudy and dripping lovely rain, my eternal/internal sky is glowing and golden. Thank you to all my Buddhas.

Yesterday was a toughie, I will tell you. Weepy and morose and unable to get on top of it. I wanted a lap, not a lap dog, and some big strapping arms to hold me and make it all better.

Yesterday was also my 21st anniversary, and I didn't want to spend it crying all over Joel. (That works a number on her, anyway, and serves no purpose.) She is good at holding and hearing about it once the waterworks are done.
It was hard to get it done yesterday...

But I persist, if nothing else.

Reached out a couple of times. Text - phone - even typed an email for Laura I didn't send.

I just kept on with things: chores, gathering data for Mayo, meals...
Sort of looming in the background was a plan initiated by others, accepted by me (w/o remembering anniversary) -- the Karaoke Night at Cree.  Talk about a push-pull.

Gotta keep this short - stuff to do.

Had to talk to Dr.'s office about records to pick up today, same with hospital.  Now... I never got thru to the friends whose laps I wanted to sit on. But every human I spoke to yesterday was a little Buddha sent to calm me and help me breathe. I encountered AMAZING customer service, gentle understanding voices, and even got close to the lap. (thanks, Vanessa.) Phone voices were Linda Salcido at White Mtn Medical, Sally at Lincoln Co. Medical.  Missed the name of the female at Mayo who, though she couldn't help, spoke gently and with compassion. All very cool.

For the push-pull to Karaoke, I went. Marcia, bless you, stayed here with Joel; Kathryn went with me. We met the new friends, had a good time, and two beers, got to sing 3 times; once in trio with Kathryn and Susan - much fun!!  And on my last number - my current best - I just pretended I was 'singing for my life' on The Voice or AI and put it all in the song - sent it soaring.... I NAILED IT. and everybody knew it, too. Got a GREAT response. If it had been the finals, I WON.

And this morning, I got the real prize.

I got to sit in a chair with a dog on my lap and only one curtain pulled open on this rainy day...
and I watched the scene, and noticed. Felt. Sat in my own lap, and feel grateful.

I thought about the people I reached for and missed; for those I wanted to reach for, but didn't; and about the strangers and acquaintances who treated me gently all day. I had imaginary conversations with my favorite Buddhas and realized I'm one, too.

So, I'd like you to know:

Laura, Shaula, Susan F., Joel, Jim, Vanessa, Kathryn, Marcia, Sue John & Marie, Linda, Sally, Ruth, William, Angel, and the crowd at Cree. Thanks for the great night, and this beautiful gratitude that I feel. Love... 

 

I'm Baaaackkk....again... :)

I've been missing this place for the last many weeks...while at the same time, feeling like I'm the last person who should be talking in public. (not that this site is very public)

But there are many new thoughts, ideas, and Plans (for Heaven's sake!), that will be or are bringing changes into my life - our lives: some are huge, some are tiny, all make a difference.

I haven't been here since April when I was bragging on our anniversary. It's a fairly big deal to me, partly because a LOT of folks never get to 20 years. And partly because I certainly never thought that I would.
The post before that one, in mid March, was all about promises to myself about another 100 Days thing I've been inspired (?) to do a couple of times before.
Thankfully, I got a long thoughtful comment from Laura that resonated also. And made good sense, and got me off the hook I'd hung myself on...  thanks.   :)

So, although the 100 Days did not officially start, the days do go on. and on. And so do I. And so does my evolution into the spiritual energy that I am already and will be completely when I finish this physical experience. I look forward to that time with a large degree of anticipation, believe it or not. But I am still human, still in the physical, and still subject to the apparent struggle with my own ego.
And I still don't have a Senior Olympics medal...

Now...the ogre that wants to own me at the moment is my current lack of self-discipline regarding almost anything having to do with my own personal & spiritual well-being. I'm winning the struggle with self-esteem, finally, but I do not have a clue about the self-discipline. My sifu says, 'Just do it!'
And in some small degrees I've just done it about many things... but not so with my own spiritual practice, especially as it relates to meditation, and in some smaller degree to my tai chi practice.

so, tell me: how does an undisciplined mind develop discipline?
(I can actually hear my ego in my head, now, beginning to whine about all the 'reasons' I'm not better at this.)
I've managed up to 3 weeks before with daily 'meditation' when it consisted of listening to a tape of guided meditations, and could even manage the 6-7 minutes of music-no talking that played at the end of each one.  sort of... And I have yet to experience a quiet mind. If it can't find anything else to do, it plays music for me.
I'm (half-heartedly) looking for a meditaion retreat environment, thinking that several days of instruction and silence might turn the tide. But ...

Well, the 'buts' and the busy mind are exactly the problem.

And I still feel that meditation is the main path to my continued evolution. Literally EVERYTHING I am reading these days is saying the same thing: from "365 Tao" and my sifu, to "Quiet", to the "Why Quantum Physicists.." series, to the 2-3 T'ai Chi books I'm reading...all but the little mystery novel that just takes me out of the regular world all together.. ALL of them speak to me of meditation as the place where I can listen to The Way, to the 8-Fold-Path, to god, to my higher self. I have no idea what to name it or how to address it, but I insist that it is real for me.

I was looking again just now at Laura's comment (the 'post' link above).
I AM noticing that I am likely to be closer to death than I have been, but I don't think of dying as 'losing my life'. It seems to me that a very important aspect of my life is dead now. I KNOW I'll have the answers after transition...but I want a few of them now.
If the quantum physicists and the Law of Attraction are right, as they resonate to me now, then it is a matter of continued practice regardless of how it feels.

AND...part of the reason for today's post is to begin (a bit late) to chronicle our path to the next stage of our physical lives. Joel needs to live at a lower altitude for her health - to get off the oxygen. I want a broader experience for this part of my physical existence, and I want life to be simpler: smaller domicile to clean, no yard/garden (?), fewer steps, access to classes/experiences not available here, and MORE water, etc.

So. The house is listed for sale. We've begun sorting out things to get rid of, things to store while we decide if there will be a future house, or just the kick-ass 5th wheel we hope to get when the house sells. We plan (that word again) to hit the road with two dogs and possibly one cat to see things we've never seen and to explore the country for the next place we might plant roots. Joel does really want a small place somewhere, I think, and her heart is in the midwest. I can happily see me in the rv for an indefinite time...maybe until I croak. It would certainly make things easier for whatever relative has to sort out my dregs down the road.

That sign out there on the corner also means that I should make the bed everyday, and keep the dishes done, and make sure that the house is more or less ready to show at the drop of a hat. So far, no interest, but it's not a 'tourist house', it's the right one for someone who is or wants to be local. She/he will be finding us this fall when the season is over and they realize how well they did this summer and how nice it will be to move into this warm, happy, comfortable home. Fair trade, I think.

Since you and Erin have not been here, Laura, here's a link to one of the current listings. There will be more (and better) pics when the studio is more ready. :)
http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/115-Randle-Dr_Ruidoso_NM_88345_M18553-92727

 

Who Am I? still wondering after 67 years... ? really? ...

I am a Dragon.
"While some might be intimidated by your strength and power, your abilities give you the courage and ability to face even the toughest situations. Whoever has you for a friend is lucky indeed." (from a Facebook quiz to discover what mythical animal I am...)

I am an Introvert.
Was that a surprise to anyone? Not to me, though it is sometimes hard to tell.

Laura has been reading my mail again...(really must speak to the P.O.)  ..and more about the anger than some of the rest of this post; though it did take me to the following test.
I'll be back soon to talk about this in more depth, but, for now, I'll share these strengths as revealed by this test:

1. Forgiveness

You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance.Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

2. Honesty

You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in agenuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.

3. Perspective

Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.

4. Gratitude

You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person becauseyou always take the time to express your thanks.

5. Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence

You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

It's an interesting list to me, as much for what is NOT here as for what is. For example, Humility, Bravery, and Self-regulation are the last three of 24 traits.

But, I'm very happy that Forgiveness is high on the list - and Perspective...

Recently, I chose these qualities that I want to increase in my life:

Happiness - Joy - Satisfaction - Worth - Lightness - Love - Empathy - Confidence - Balance

I have noticed that humility, bravery, and Self-discipline are not on that list.    ...sigh.. 

Now, go talk amongst yourselves; I'll be back here one day... perhaps to make some sense of it all for myself. For now, our upcoming trip and K & M's wedding are much higher in my list of priorities..(ah: there is that discipline demon again, smiling over the fence like Kilroy!)

TTFN

 

 

Sobbing over Unexpected Buddhas

Well, I wanted to title this "Pissshitfuckdamnandhell!" But somehow it doesn't fit exactly right.

Was on FB just now and watched this video that I've see a dozen times already.

When you watch it, listen to the words of the song. You may already know it in theory. Laura, you know it, probably viscerally.
You can listen to Tim McGraw sing it here. "Live Like You Were Dying"

It has felt inspiring several times. This time is different. This time, I'm sobbing

This time, I'm nearly 67 years old.
This time, I'm contemplating a 2nd 100 Days.
This time, I know that I am dying. No, not that way, not by someone's verdict or diagnosis; but just like we all are dying - one day at a time.
This time, I want different things.
This time, I'm indicted by her accomplishments - by those of several I see & respect...
This time, I will learn to do SOMETHING as well as this young woman trains horses.
This time, I'm working on deep core stuff that has stifled me for decades.
This time, I'll make a commitment to myself and give it the WEIGHT that I assign to my commitments to others.
This time I'll learn to quiet my mind.
This time, I'll find out where the fury comes from.  And break it's hold. And change my mind.


And when I die, I'll be spiritually/psychologically conscious and bursting with Joy & Anticipation.

So, I'm dying.
My first task, as I see it, is to define just what I want in the rest of my days.

This is the list I've written in the last week or two: qualities I want:

Happiness
Joy
Lightness
Confidence
Balance
Satisfaction
Worth
Love
Empathy

I'll get there by making and keeping promises to myself. I must change some deep-seated beliefs and dump plenty of old habit energy. I'll stop taking it easy, and start making life easy by doing those things that feed me. I'll create some new habits and believe new things. And my new practices will last the rest of this physical lifetime.

The 'things' list includes these...

Music has to be in it.

Movement has to be in it.

Tai Chi has to be in it.

I don't know what else I might need.

I do know that my computer usage has to drop by about 80%. That'll be no problem; FB will go, mostly. I'll probably be setting timers in the early parts of this transformation. : )
I DO love my computer. And Laura is in here!! 

Today is Tuesday, so it's Karaoke Day at Hacienda de LaLa. Therefore, there will be LOTS of music.

And today and in the next few days, I'll flesh out the rest of what must go and what gets pushed higher on the list of priorities. And pick some dates for this new 100 Days.

And, one day, when Jim asks again, "What is stopping you from doing those things that you KNOW are good & right for you?", I'll be able to say, "Nothing, anymore, my Friend."

Thanks for standing by...

 

Still on my way to the start of the Next 100 Days...

My sifu, Jim, posted this on FB today. Much of it will be good for this new set of days. Will need some study to decide how and how much to integrate... here is the full text (so I can keep it handy):

1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there.

4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will. 

9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too.

11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
      

17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks.– Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn't accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result.

25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read  

30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn't go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn't spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have."

 

Happily, some of it is already in the works, so to speak. And not every one, as stated, really works for me. But on first reading, these are very cogent points for me to consider right now.

 

100 Days ~ Schmundred Days...

They are not happening.

I'm not happening in any real conscious sense right now. So my new project is on hold.
I've been realizing for several days, that I'm just not moving thru my days in any way that will feed me or support this new 100 days. I know that I spend way too much time online, especially on Facebook, the world's biggest cultural black hole.

I like a couple of the games there, and I play a few others so that I can 'answer' the requests of 'friends'.
Now, I'm not the typical Fb'er. I've been on there for several years, but I have kept just 50 friends. And most of those are very close to me, or family of origin. In some cases, I would know nothing about them if I didn't see them on FB.

Hmmm. Now ain't that a pisser.
It just dawned on me that I don't really need to keep up with them. And when the energy is not reciprocal, it is rather a waste of time.

Lord, have mercy, she says to herself.
I love this phrase...but since it is I - and I alone - who can be merciful to me or redirect my own path - or return to it...or whatever it is I am trying to do these days, then it will behoove me to change those words along with a few other things.

Part of the impetus for this post, and the subsequent changes that will unfold, came from Laura, as usual. Check out this post to read what capped off this morning. Subscribe to her if you want; she doesn't waste your time - or her own.

 

I Have Great Balance

Do you remember those pendulums that hang over a plate of sand and scibe patterns? (It became a Big thing when someone noticed how they move during an earthquake.) But, really, they scribe patterns all the time. We stand on a moving Earth. If I could hang a pendulum from my perineum and stand over a plate of sand, I'd find that my balance is transitory, and yet I feel balanced almost all the time.

I can feel balanced even while I demonstrate that I am not IN perfect balance.

Joy is like that to some degree, though the metaphor is poor.

It is not a place I have to find; not an eventuality if I live well; absolutely not something I earn. To have joy, I must decide to be joyful. That's all. And there are a million ways to do it.

Tai Chi has taught me that balance is transitory and to be effective, in the form or in life, I have to move in certain ways and keep my focus on certain things. Those ways and things can change and often do.

The same is true of joy. Since we are in human physical form on this planet, we get to contend with all the other souls here. And joy is hardly the primary focus of the majority of people here. But it can still be mine. My real 'job' if I have one, it to keep making the decision to be joyful. Whatever I'm doing - whether I think I've chosen it or had it thrust upon me (?!), I can still choose to be joyful.

Today, I'm not chooseing it.
A few of my 'buttons' are rattling and I'm beginning the process of more internal work. I'm not yet quite able to find the joy here; but I do know the joy of coming thru these experiences.  And I do still know that I can learn to choose it here, in the midst of this angst, of which I am so fond.

Yep, WIP, that's me.

 

The Next 100 Days ~ March 1 through June 10

I've felt this coming on almost since the last 100 days ended at the end of last year.  These will start in a few days, and will finish up just short of 3 weeks after our return from the May Trip.

The trigger to start this up again has come from Laura, not surprisingly, who reads my mail; rattles my cage; and in general (and without saying a word about it) challenges me to get off my butt and do my work/play/joyful living. The other trigger is my Sifu, Jim, who teaches my Tai Chi classes, and stopped pulling his punches many months ago. He believes I'm lazy and lacking in self-discipline. He's not wrong.

I've just started reading this new work of Laua's, and find that it is hitting very near to issues that have been way up top for me lately. I feel the same way in my TC classes, too. And for the last few weeks, I've foung myself very emotional at points in the class.

My I'm-not-worth stuff is very strong. And I'm tired, confused, disappointed in myself, angry...very very angry and a tad prone to melancholy. I try to think of it this way:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, it's not really funny.

 

 

(And, BTW, I found this picture here, though I don't really know who snapped the shot.)

A million years ago I whould have said, I'm F.I.N.E.!
(fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.)

Yep, I'm fine. Taking my lead from Laura, again, I'll post this excerpt from the email I sent after I started reading her new material last night.


"I started reading last night. It was hard to stop and go to bed.

And beyond that, I scarcely know what to say.

You, starting to post again at this time, convinces me (once again) that the Universe/Source/WTF-ever puts in front of me the stuff that I need. And these days, I'm falling over my feet trying to back away from it all.

I can punch my own buttons quite successfully,  then Jim challenges me, and now you're writing (for me) again.

I'd like to say I'm fragile now. I'm certainly vulnerable. And I know...really deeply know that I have to change some things about myself and my life. And I'm tired; I have a head cold; and I haven't wanted to be the head of a household of five, well six, counting me...and all of us wounded...some of us warriors.

My faith is tiny and shaky; I'm terrified of even the thought of disappointing/hurting some people; unwilling to break current long-standing promises; the whole world knows I lack self-discipline; and i have no idea at this point what will come from all these roads crossing here right in front of me."

Here I am. Still reading?
Well, that's it for now.

except for this:
Joy is in the moment. One does not search for it; one decides to BE it. Especially if the task of the moment is one in which we are not accustomed to finding joy.
Check this.

Hello 2014 ~ ... keeps flowing like a river ...

We're twelve days into the New Year and I can hardly fathom where the time has gone. These last three months have felt like a mini marathon performed while juggling breakable things! That we have come this far through it is a minor wonder. I've had glimpses of the 'light at the end of the tunnel' but it keeps moving away from me - sorta like those nightmare images from which one can't wake.
I am grateful for the gods who gave me great stamina; it serves me well.

Newest wrinkle: Joel's patella has frozen. That would be good if we were talking Italian Ices, but we're talking kneecap so that's not so good. I'm wondering just a bit how that can occur when she walks (a little bit) every day and sees Physical Therapists twice a week. But...the fact remains, and it is causing a lot of pain.  We have to call the surgeon in ABQ tomorrow morning, and are very likely to be heading back there. We'll know that tomorrow, I suppose. Don't mind that - there are some great restaurants in ABQ and a very good friend. It is also possible that the PTs can make it move. They've taped it now with some of that new-ish ortho tape. Cross your fingers for us.

Mango news is very good. He is getting better and better at moving around. Bearly doesn't quite understand why he can't jump on Mango the way he used to, but they are working it out.

Mango is smart. It took him only 2-3 days to recognize the pill routine. He bested me twice in a row after that. So back we went to the vet's office where I got another lesson AND best of all, a new and much better pill pusher! Today's dose was a breeze; neither of us minded and the pill went IN, not on the floor. Yea!

As I've probably told you in emails, Mango is mostly limited to my music room/office. But at least once a day, we close the gate between the den-office area and the rest of the house, and let him move around however he wishes. He'll happily go anywhere for some of his cat treats!
As you might imagine, though, it can become a challenge to have the right animals on the right side of the gate. And we two-leggeds have to remember to keep it shut.

We had a breakdown in that system Saturday. Mango watched for hours (it seemed) and then made a break for it! I'd left doors open for the pups to get to the backyard, and spaced the gate thing. Like a shot, Mango was down the hall, out the doors, down a short flight of stairs and clambering over a chain link fence! Mama was running, but by the time I got out there, Mango was struggling with the fence and succeeded in getting over it. The landing stopped him. Or probably the landing and all that running (it's one of the back legs that's now gone). He seemed surprised to find out how much energy that took, and he headed back toward the house rather than off to who-knows-where. He did not struggle when I picked him up and brought him back inside.  Lesson learned. And I got to see just how wall he can do when properly motivated.   : ) 

The last thing that has me flummoxed today is about trailer news. It's not going to be as easy as I was envisioning. (but what has been lately?)
The "Cotton Money" came. Hallelujah! and was even a little more than I expected. Yippee. So off we go to the best mechanic in the area. We wanted a good inspection of the Jeep Grand Cherokee that we've been planning to haul the trailer with. The manual says they can pull about 6500 lbs.
Denny Mechanic says no. He said that JGC should never pull anything of any size at all. He says it's not about the engine, but about the suspension. He does not even want to evaluate the Jeep for us with that purpose in mind.

Karate chop to the gut.     Period.
I just can't tell you how much I want a little trailer and to go toodling off around the country.

So, new things to attract. New ideas to explore. And new lessons to figure out. I wonder what will be next.

My tai chi classes have started up again. This series is really good. And we're doing much more in-depth work. Breaking movements down into their tiniest parts. I'm really enjoying it. And Push-Hands. Tandem tai chi.

And I've recently heard about Wu Tau Dance. It looks good. Looks like fun. May explore that a bit.
I'll further postpone starting up a tai chi class of my own; there are just too many things needing my attention these days.

There WILL be another 102 Days coming soon. I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile... have a great day, unless you have other plans. :)

 

 

100 Days ~ The Final Entry

Today is January 3, 2014. First time I've typed that - 2014.  Just a little hard to believe.

Jim sent this quote (along with 2 others) out in an email reminder for the start of the next session of classes:

"Discouragement - What happens is after some good experience in Practice you start to expect it to go on, and so instead of coming to it fresh you come with an expectation. That attitude kills the spontaneity of your experience and makes it heavy and unworkable.
It takes a while to notice this process and learn how to not make it worse by trying too hard or, on the other side, reacting against trying at all and wanting to give up – or indeed giving up.
It’s easier to handle once you realise it is all part of the process. You just turn towards that experience in just the same open way that you turn towards all experience – no problem. Just keep going. No need to grit the teeth and keep going – just lighten up and keep going!" - Lama Shenpen Hookham

I've felt discouraged about my Practice in these 102 Days recently passed. It's been a tougher season than usual for me.

I still hold to the point that my Practice has been the catalyst for much internal consideration, some shifts. But Practice... I am not better or more disciplined at making time every day for meditation and Tai Chi. I'm a lazy slug. What can I say?

Before you get all crazy, I'm working on the internal language. That stuff is just old habit energy. Somehow, it has been tougher to stand strong. I am SO GLAD that the 'holidays' are OVER. I will be elsewhere next time they roll around, with new plans.

thoughts with no time for development...don't make yourself crazy... :)

"People are so confused about the death experience, that they give the "death Penalty" to those they despise.  If you knew what the death experience was, you would not give it to those buggers you despise."   -Abraham

from this video clip: Abraham Hicks- Source decides when you croak
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_5N3KUzA1o&feature=em-subs_digest-vrecs )

"you have to accept that you MUST return to the pure positive

It is inevitable that you return to the pure positive energy that is You.

You MUST return to the pure positive energy that is you. It is good; it is natural;  you must.

..the separation is temporary. ..

 

French - the 'small death'
Is Death an orgasmic experience?
    answer: Beyond Imaging

Day 83 ~ 12-12-13

The last line of today's reading from 365 Tao about Purpose is,
"Then with each step upon the path of Tao, your certainty rings from peak to peak."
It's about one's path to finding purpose or destiny.

I'm not feeling particularly sure-footed on this path to my destiny. These 102 Days have certainly been interesting. I've watched myself do mostly as I have always done: intermittant waves of strong focus and follow-thru mixed with the same old habit energy.

I'm going to use that quoted sentence, and its 'peak to peak' reference  to hang my self-esteem on right now. Otherwise, I will have to start making excuses...
I prefer to think that I am, at least, past the need to do that. Well, past the need to express the excuses - not the desire to be excused.

We went to ABQ this week for Joel's first check-up with the surgeon's staff. We saw the PA Tuesday. He seemed a bit surprised that things are as good as they are. But that is not too surprising since they have heard about the complications and the ER trips, but have had no real way to judge how, or whether, those trips related to the new knee. Everyone, including we two, are more relaxed about Joel's recovery now.
They did prescribed 6 more weeks of PT at Joel's request; this set will be on an out-patient basis with PTs that Joel has used before and really likes. She's got a little crush on Marla (the PT from Home Health), but she is certainly no longer home-bound and may be released to drive any day now.

As for Christmas, I'm simply bah-humbugging my way toward the date. Can NOT believe it's only 1 1/2 weeks away. Very little is done. Today will be a day of action about that and what to do for those we care about. I'm not sure a single decoration will go up. Christmas is just too convoluted anymore. I'm no longer in the target market for all the comsumerism associated with it. And I'm certainly no longer interested in the religous aspects of the season.

And yet, I have people I love and whom I want to remember and honor in some way. Inspiration will arrive today - one of the 'peak' days, no doubt. Remember, things really do just keep working out for me.   ; )

In case we don't meet here before the date, Happy Holidays to you. May your hearts be at Peace and full of Joy and may you spend just the right amount of time with those you love!

    

Day 71

I've really enjoyed teaching two of Jim's classes this week. Maybe the best parts of the whole thing.

I'm hoping that tomorrow, Sunday, can be a day that I stay here. Hasn't happened yet that I've been able to stay here all day. The snow is mostly gone, though, and Zia and I have had some quality frisbee time.
The pups at home aren't happy, either. Nor is Joel. And mine, I regretfully admit, has been intermittant. Guess the pet-sitting days are over for the foreseeable future. But that's fine. If/When the trailer really happens, we'll be hitting the road anyway.

The Practice isn't feeling particularly great right now. It's been fairly hit/miss on Tai Chi, and meditation is just a (temporary) joke.

Tonight, I'm just checking in. If I start rambling, I'll be here all night.

Sweet dreams.

Day 67 ~ Yes, it's tough sometimes

I'm posting today to vent a little, but more importantly to notice and record that things keep working out for me. in very interesting ways.

There were two emails in my box from Laura; could NOT have been more pertinent to me and what's going on here. Nor could it come from someone with more experience in care-giving/taking than she.

The Note from the Universe this morning was:

"Here's a trick, Kate, for dealing with someone who's disappointed you:

Imagine how they looked as a very young child -- timid, a little scared, really cute, and truly not knowing any better -- and realize this is who you're dealing with now.

Aw-w-w-w,
    The Universe"

I wanted to say first that I was not disappointed in Joel, but that is only partly true. I knew this week would be tough on her. But I didn't think about getting a call by 8:30 on the first morning. And I thought/think that, in the long run, she will learn how much stronger she has become because of the PT, and she'll notice how quickly the knee gets flexible again with the added movement.

I didn't count on how hard the morning routine would feel to her. It isn't hard for me, but I don't have  new knee, either. And Joel feels pain in a different way & intensity than I do. I've known it a long time, but knowing intellectually and 'getting it' are not the same things.

The Universe quote is doubly appropriate because we make jokes about Joel being the oldest 12 yr old I know. When she's in pain, that age drops a bit.
ALL of my care-taker buttons are vibrating, but so are a few of my self-care buttons. (Can't always find those!) So this week will be an interesting lesson in balance - for myself, mostly; since Joel's balance is really in her hands, no matter how badly I'd like to change things for her.

Abraham had this to say this morning:

"Achieve, first, the vibrational essence of your desire—and then, through the crack of least resistance the manifestation will be delivered... work on the essence of the feeling of freedom; work on the essence of the feeling of empowerment— work on the essence of the feeling of Well-Being... And how do you do that? You can imagine it already having happened and pretend what it will feel like when it is that way. Or, you can look for things in your life that are already like that and beat the drum of that until they play a higher percentage of time in the vibrational signal that you are emanating."   ---Abraham

Before the call, I got in 15 minutes of meditation. After breakfast, I managed 2 cycles thru the 5 Elements form. I'll get to more later. As for now, I will practice both suggestions in the quote from Abraham: I will imagine that what I want to feel is already true, thereby making those feelings real within me; and I will/am finding the things in my life that are perfect now. Perfect like this opportunity for both Joel and me to come out stronger than we came into this week.

I'm going to head into town shortly, put out a couple of fires, and look again at the set-up at home with an eye to making things as easy as they can be.
Whatever happens, by the end of this week Joel will be stronger. In many ways.

And so will I be.

TTFN

Man, things can change SO fast! I got another call from Joel after the pain meds had a chance to go to work, and everything's entirely different.
I know this - I just didn't remember what with all those caretaker buttons firing all at once! Wake up, Kate, and smell the coffee!

I'll go down as originally planned about 12:30 or so...  and we'll sing a little with K & M. And all will be - is now - absolutely perfect. I just love how things work out for me. 

Now, I've played frisbee with Zia for about a half hour; now for some quality time with my ukulele.

 

Day 66 ~ First Day in Sun Valley Pet/House Sitting

"I don't even know if I am or I am not.
When I think I am, I find myself worthless,
when I think I am not, I find my value.
Like my thoughts, I die and rise again each day."  Rumi

Moved out here at noon. It's SO quiet...  mm-mmm-mmmm...

more later, time to play with Zia who does NOT follow 11 inches behind my heels!

Day 65

So, I no longer resist knowing that I am undisciplined.

            ...............sigh

Even now, I want to explain or minimize or..
I almost typed, "..but I get the ALL the important things done!".
And before it was in my fingers I heard so many of my friends/mentors/sages of all ages saying, "Know thyself, is more important."

Right now, joy is proving hard to feel. Pensive...  old habit energy.
Likely to be related to snow, and to the push/pull of this week out of the house (only 7-8 miles away on a pet job for Jim).

I've been thinking, ah...a week in a silent house. Sleep. Just one dependent. Sleep. Feeding two instead of 5. Sleep. :)

Joel does not want me to go - to the point of tears. And that's a rarity for her.     I'm still going.
I know, but did not fully realize, that a conversation months ago about a paid week away - regardless of how well you might have thought it all out - does NOT necessarily translate into something that is still true now.
Joel knows how to yank my chains. And often I've responded reacted before I catch on to her. Sifu says Tai Chi will put distance between her trigger and my reaction so that I can decide on a response instead.
In any case, I will be making at least one trip a day into town.

I've been preparing/packing for about 3 days. It's a mini-move. :) Taking my Uke and the books. And the Kindle, of course, and a couple of 'real' books.

I expect to enjoy the time away. And perhaps I can make these remaining days a promise to myself.

For the record: 30 min. on my butt Friday, none on Thursday. Tai chi on Thursday and Saturday, none of either so far today.

ahh... she awakens.  TTFN

 

OMGoodness: Day 61! WTH?!

A week and a half! Damn!  So much for Practice.

Since I last posted on Nov. 8th, Joel had another scare and ended up in the ER again. As she was going to bed one night, and was lifting her legs - or trying to lift them, she got a bolt of awful pain that could not be relieved by anything she or I could do. She was, literally, screaming with pain...and continued to do so as I called the EMTs. And with that level of pain, she wants only a doctor. period. That was the night of the 10th. She stayed in the ER for about 5 hours while they considered what they could do. They re-x-rayed her chest and added a shot of her right leg/knee, and pumped her full of a pain med that wouldn't conflict with the Percoset she had already taken. There was no one present (at midnight) to read the x-rays, so they asked her/us if she was willing to go home. She was. (yea) But, now she is really dopey and the leg - while no longer painful - was sore. They/she decided to put her in a full leg splint so that she could be confident that it wouldn't fold up on her. But on trying to figure out how to get her into my little Hyundai, (not possible with a splinted leg), it was decided that the EMTs would transport her home and help me get her into bed. We would not have made it without their help. We have 6 steps and a long gravel pathway to get inside. We all worried about the splint. Immobility is the enemy of joint recovery! So, Joel slept in the splint that night, but we took it off in the morning. After she got up, moved a bit, made it into her chair; we put the splint back on - fairly loosely -  and waited for the PT. It all turned out ok. She lost a couple of degrees of flexion, but had it back again thru her exercises, by the 12th. Whew!

I don't really remember these next days as separate days, so I can't really tell you what I did when. I know there were days when I spent time with my butt in a chair, sometimes using the guided meditations, sometimes not. A few days I did a little Tai Chi, most often, the 5 Elements form. It's faster, and I can do it in my house dress...  crappy reason for not doing the Yang form, but all I have as excuse.

On the evening of the 15th, we had ANOTHER scare - even me this time.. Joel reported a bad gripping chest pain! It grabbed her, ramped up from 5 to 10 on the pain scale in just seconds, lasted several seconds, then began to subside. She experienced 3 of these things in about a half hour or so, each one a little less intense. Joel is thinking heart attack, of course. I'm thinking, how can that be; every test on her heart has been beautiful and she's had a bunch of checks in the last couple of weeks.
We reported it to home health who had the on-call nurse call us. Her advice was to go to the ER if it occurred again. Well, they did occur again, but with less intensity and of shorter duration. I then called our friend/nurse/administrator at Home Health and had a fairly long chat with her about all these symptoms and the possible causes.

At this point Joel is adamant about NOT going back to the ER (not the finest hospital in the world). And I'm concerned that we are going to 'wear out our welcome' with Medicare/Medicaid and end up with a staggering EMT bill we can't pay.
But I heard Joel belching..and then I realized that this could all be digestive. She has an incredibly sensitive digestive system...and I had fed her a lunch from a generic 'helper' type of semi-instant food she'd never eaten before...   another factor tipping the scale toward that choice is Joel's diverticulosis, a digestive condition.

Jennifer agreed with the idea of giving Joel some club soda to induce more belching and told us to call the EMTs if another episode occurred.

Thankfully, the club soda worked well enough that even Joel became convinced that the episodes were really just heartburn and not a heart attack. After a time as the sypmtoms failed to reoccur, she went to bed, sleeping with her head elevated a bit. Double whew!

Now, we're four days past that and confident that no heart problems exist. Symptoms have not recurred. Additional good news is that she has been taken off the Coumadin! Sunday, the 17th was the last dose of that medicine.
Joel has dropped way off the Percoset again, and is doing very well with her exercises, etc. Flexion is back up with the last measurement being 108 degrees. That's HUGE! We're very happy.

*************************

All of this is just a long way of telling you/me/Universe how tough things have been (on me) and making up excuses for my almost complete lack of focus on these 100 Days.  I've come back to the meditation as of two days ago, but they are unfocused and I've used the CD to even remain in the chair. I've done zero focused tai chi in this week beyond helping a beginning student once or twice.

I hear the excuses. I recognize the lack of discipline and maybe the laziness. Though as the tears threaten a little, I know I want to claim fatigue as at least a partial reason.  I seem to be washing clothes and floors constantly as three out of 5 members of this household are constantly peeing or pooping or spraying on them. Yes, I know; that's TMI. Everyone in this home is a bit off center, and have been for while. Carmel may be the only exception; he is enjoying his new heated condo in the mudroom. :)

So add a little pet-related guilt to the mix. That's real. I've just not made the time to take Maxie for her walks. Joel's problem is mostly just not having much time between the impulse and the fact. Bearly is - I don't know what! I can take him to the back yard 6 times in a day, and still find that he has pooped somewhere inside. I can only guess and all the things I've done wrong on that front.

I won't get started on the quality of the floor cleaning; everything leaves it streaky. Do NOT buy a cheap laminate ever! Finding a good product for cleaning them has proven impossible.

I have had a glimmer or two of insight. One is evident in this post. It's not really that I'm wearing a 'hair shirt', though that phrase did come to mind. I've just been wanting you to know that this is tough on me, too. Of course, you do already know that. Some of you have lived this care-giving stuff in ways that are just beyond me ability to comprehend, yet.

I'll be doing some more work with these ideas as they come to me. I'm not calling it quits on the 100 Days; there are still 39 left and a lot can shift in that time. 

 

Days 48 & 49

JOEL WALKED WITH JUST A CANE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Joel's extension and flexion continue to improve; astounding when I consider how little work she actually puts in.) ( also, the doc thinks the breathing problems may come from a long undiagnosed issue such as asthma or similar and has added a Rx for that. )

Must step back to Wednesday for a moment. I thought I might get a chance to go to my TC class, but the PT, Marla (whom we love, btw) didn't leave until about 5:45.  sigh
I'm going to try for Saturday, but that's unlikely. Getting all the meds done, dogs fed/walked, & just stuff by 8:00 am is just not possible unless Joel wakes by 6:00 and that's not really in her best interest.

The day (Wed) was crazy with a trip to the doc, one visit from a nurse, and the PT. It all went pretty well but that sort of schedule is wearing on both of us. It takes a full 20 minutes just to gather stuff and get to the car. 
In addition to that I was not letting the dogs out on the right schedule. (Those babies are getting short shrift these days.) I found that Maxie had pooped in our bedroom, less than a foot away from a potty pad. She knows how to pee on one. ?? And yes, I can tell who left the piles.
When I found the same thing later that night, I almost lost it. Pressure had been building all afternoon. I knew it, could feel it, just couldn't get 10 minutes without someone needing something. 

I'm pretty happy with how I resolved it so I'm going to brag on it a bit...AND I attribute it to the Practice, so it fits here, right?! :)

I took several deep breaths to cap the energy just a bit, then I came to Joel and told her that I was confident that she was well enough, and not drug-dopey, so that she could hear me; please listen. I let her know that I wasn't angry with her, personally, but that I was about to blow a gasket. Told her I was taking one hour to myself in our bedroom and that she would need her loudest whistle and a dire emergency to interrupt me. I took a couple of minutes to make sure she had water, ice on the leg, etc. then I went to my cloister.

It worked so well.

I dealt with the physical energy by making beds and rearranging furniture, then by some stretching exercises, and lastly a couple of rounds thru the 5 Elements form. Then I sat. Just sat on the side of the bed and breathed.  and breathed.. And breathed...  :)  I didn't attempt any real meditation, just tried to notice where the tension was and relax it...and breathe.
I know there is a crying jag waiting for me, too, but that didn't come up this time.

When I rejoined my family I was happy and calm. It was the end of the day by then, of course, so Joel was pretty well settled and the animals were quiet. We watched a little TV, then went to bed with no drama and no tension. Lovely. And I got the best sleep.

Thursday, Day 48, is so much history already that I don't remember whether I did any of my Practice or not.

Today, with Joel doing so well, I found it easy to just ask for and take some private time this morning after all the 'stuff' was done. I got almost 25 minutes of sitting in before one of my own (forgotten) timers went off. Shortly after I've fixed lunch for Joel, I'll take some time for Tai Chi.

Oh, almost forgot... a lovely present for me! My friend Jessica came over about 1:00 in the afternoon on Thursday and gave me a 30 minute chair massage. What a treat, and SO timely. She gets stars for the gift, I get a few for accepting it so easily.

I have noticed during this time that the tension in my belly has returned. And I think that I can now say that it is rage that lives there. Even in the Tai Chi practice, that is the last thing I'm able to relax now, and it doesn't last long; do it over and over...
Some of the surface reasons are that Joel tends to whimper, moan, and whine. That behavior sets my teeth on edge. But what I felt/noticed Wednesday was way bigger than can be explained by that. I'm not sure what it is, but now I have a direction for some of this work.

So, now it's time for lunch. All is well. The Practice is continuing in its/my way. Old habit energy would like me to make some big deal about how poorly I'm doing it, but evidence of Wednesday and my commitment to this Practice, and very timely support from a couple of Great Friends are helping me change that, too.

I'll close today with two great quotes that came across my computer this week:

"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." -Eden Phillpotts

"Look to the beauty for truth. And to what hurts, for its beauty."
- Tut, Notes from the Universe

TTFN

 

 

Days 45 ~ 46 ~ 47

It's funny. I have to open my own blog to see which day I last posted! Thank goodness I didn't make posting a part of the 100 days.

Day 45 was largely a repeat of Sunday. Joel began stepping back from the Percoset a bit, down by almost half of the doses she was taking.  And that changed the 'every-four-hours' thing a lot. Good for both of us. She still has breathing treatments to do - prescribed every 4 hours, but when the symptoms seem considerably less or not present, or she's sleeping, I let more time pass between them.

Yesterday was Joel's 73rd birthday. It was a good day overall. She got cards and calls and visits from 3 of her closest friends. It wasn't really a gifts occasion, but Carol brought her a set of 3 golf balls in Chicago Bears colors and logo! Her favorite thing. We were lax on exercises and such. That's our excuse, and we're sticking with it. That was Day 46: there was no meditation and no tai chi, but I DID get to play with the Karaoke machine. Joel likes to hear me, and singing, for me, is a kind of bliss almost as useful as the rest of the Practice. Last night it was lovely.

The PT people have been really happy with her range of motion. She's very pleased and I'm amazed; we both were afraid that she might have lost ground because there was just no way to do all those exercises. But the trips to the bathroom, which were frequent, were apparently enough. She has 100% extension (a huge gold star from the PTs) and 92 degrees of flexion. That's really good, and even more impressive when you consider all that has been affecting her activity and attitude. Yippee!!

I don't even remember Monday (Day 45) except for the fact that K & M were back in town, came by, and let me take advantage of their presence to go to Wally World! There was SO much stuff we were low on. Paper products being some of the most important these days.

This (Day 47) was the calmest quietest morning I've experienced in ages. Dealt with a few chores, then was able to sit awhile. Not long...mind was full of plans and lists for getting Joel to her 1:30 doc appt. That's a big job now...we'll start out for the car a bit before 1:00, and we'll run her oxygen at a higher rate while she's doing that. Reminds me, I'll need an extra totebag! :)
remembering all the paraphenalia is a chore of it's own.

(Sidetracking seems to happen a lot; just go with it. :) )

I was able to get in a full 30 minutes or more of Tai Chi this morning! Wife and dogs slept in! What a nice morning.  With luck, one of our friends will wife-sit tonight and I'll get to attend a class. That will be quite lovely.

Things are going like they go. I'm learning more about flow. And I'm beginning to learn when my own rest is more important than whether home health finds dirty dishes in the sink.
That's a big lesson for me, just in case you don't know that. 

Gotta go... Thanks for checking in. :)

Day 44

Oh, my goodness! Two days in a row. A minor miracle. The major miracle was...

        ...a brief, bright, sparkling moment
                I relaxed  -  crouching tiger

I'm no longer looking for a mystery.  I'm looking for a memory
that I will recognize as familiar.         

..and the reading was titled "Triumph".

Joel went to bed at 7:00 last night; her next meds were at 11:00. I made good use of my time with a few chores and some quiet time. Turned off the TV, played a little music.

And saved 45 minutes for 'putting my butt in a chair'. It turned out to be amazing. I'm too short on sleep to just count breaths, so I turned on the massage unit that fits my chair.  I just used the vibration and the tone of the sound to blot out other noises and for focus. I was there a very short time.

But I found, thankfully, a sense of relaxation in the way that Jim means it in Tai Chi, I think. When I wrote those notes last night the words 'crouching tiger' did come to mind. But in the moment, what I felt was a kind of elasticity and balance, and a profound exhaling of more than my breath. I seemed to be able to take breaths of endless length. Just to contemplate that experience is relaxing also.

LOL 
...and then there is today. Joel is turning a corner in this experience of hers. The passage began about 2:30 am and is continuing. She has needed quite a bit of physical help through this, but I've been able to accomplish several household things: filing mail and laundry, and animals and stuff. You know what I mean, in ways I'm only now discovering. I'm grateful for all I've learned from my buddhas. Thanks to L and J and E and N.

I'm very happy.  tired, tis true; but Very Happy!
sweet dreams...

Day 43 and catching up on Day 42

OK.

That's rumor, of course. There is little direct evidence that things are really ok, and I'm going down for a nap the next time Joel does. I'm pooped.

Friday, Day 42 was spent with Joel and a home health nurse who was just certain she could take care of Joel's constipation with one of a few tools in her bag. All of her efforts were for naught, including an enema. The duration of this is now so long that it is becoming a medical issue of its own and is impacting (no pun intended) her physical therapy.

Much of the day is spent in meds management. Pills every four hours, a breathing treatment every four hours, a lap around the house every two hours (if I can get her to do it), and pushing fluids constantly. She's on oxygen now, but is a mouth-breather from the trumpet days, so remembering to breath correctly takes some monitoring of its own. And every home health visit is made by a different person.

I want a nap, then a big comfy lap with some rocking, please; and a chance to catch up on household stuff like restocking the pantry... This is SO unlike the recovery from her heart surgery.

That is my list of excuses for not meditating yesterday nor so far today, and for doing no tai chi yet.

I'm still breathing carefully and thoughtfully many times in the day; and practicing tai chi in the way that I help Joel get up from a chair, or manage O2 cords and such... but it's not really a Practice right now  ... and that feels very crappy to me.

I'm heading for a shower; then the 'routine'; then we are both napping - with luck I can get 3 hours.

ttfn

Day 39 (redux) and Day 40 and today ~ Day 41

How wrong can one woman be about her plans for the day?! Isn't there some joke about the way to make God laugh is just to make a few plans? Holy cow, is she chuckling now!

Tuesday (day 39) started beautifully as posted here recently.
Then turned.

Joel woke up, and then could not catch her breath. Period. I've forgotten if it was just the getting up, but I think she had made the trek to the bathroom, then back to bed where she takes pills and starts dressing.
Well, Tuesday, she just could not get her breath regulated/slowed enough. She called the doc's office and we headed down there. I won't do details here, because it's almost time for the dogs to be up even if Joel doesn't quite yet....
But... it all was about her breathing and lung capacity. They were worried about a possible pulmonary embolism - and absolutely terrified Joie when she understood that. And she has had a couple of days from hell, including an ambulance ride, more tests, and an overnight in the hospital.

We're back home now; she'll be on oxygen for at least a few weeks; her CPap machine will be changed. And we're almost back to square one...square three, perhaps, on her knee rehab.

I have managed quite a bit of controlled breathing in various places over these two days, and have used some QiGong techniques to help that. And today, Day 41, I did manage 30 minutes with my butt in a chair counting inhales and exhales. I can't call it meditation. And I have not done any Tai Chi. Somehow, I'll get that statement changed today.

And I've used our friends So Much over the last few days - for dog sitting that I'm almost feeling guilty about it. Takes some practice (of its own kind) to stay out of that.  And I MUST use them tonight because I promised to run the Halloween Karaoke Show at Cree Country Club. Not only do I value keeping promises, but it is a tad late to cancel a public show. Thankfully, Marcia (different one), will be there to handle the mics and the patter. All I have to do is run the computer.
And, lordy, do I need a night out of here.  The usual angels Kathryn & Marcia will be here with Joel.

So, the practice of my Practice is a jumbled mess right now, but is still happening in its way. I'm not sure my sifu will agree, exactly. But it feels like the best I could have done.
Oh, how that old habit energy wants to beat on me today...  I won't go there. no, I won't...

Day 39 ~ a totally different start

I slept. And the morning is gorgeous. ..almost said sunrise, but I didn't get up (to stay) until 8:20. Most wonderful. Sleep has been on short supply.
I used the phone (gentler alarm) to wake us for the night-time meds; best sleep I've had since we got home.

However... I have a wife-sitter coming in just over an hour so I can go OUT to the grocery store and  couple of errands. yeah!
And that means that for now, the practice of my Practice will have to wait for later in the day. That should be easy; there are no nurses or PT's or anything coming back today. I'll be back later to check in. See ya...

Day 38

I can scarcely believe that this is Day 38.

Meditation is what it is for me, still. Today I started with just breath but switched to the guided meditation about 5 minutes in. That runs for about 15 minutes, then I was able to continue with just breath again. I think about 35 minutes altogether...  That seems to be my current wall for duration.

The form so far consisted of 3 cycles thru the 5 Elements Form. I like that form more and more and I especially like it in the morning. It feels like such a great way to greet the day. I will make some time for Yang later in the day, but for now, I can't get to clothes without risking waking folks. And I'm a little possessive of this quiet time. Maxie is with me; she wouldn't have stayed in a bed empty of mamas. Bearly is sleeping with Joel. Cool.

He's staying very close to her since he came home. I don't know if there is any significance to that, but I like to think so.
And Mango just came in asking for his morning treat and massage.  ..my mistake: today it was treats only.   :)

I'm liking the fact that I'm letting this stuff be as it is. The meditation is shorter than I will be able to do later on, but I'm happy with the time in the chair even when it feels scattered and fruitless, sometimes. I could say the same about the form, too. Some days, it feels that it gets done just so I can report it here. Letting that be ok, too. Old habit energy is beginning to shift.I used to be so quick to judge myself; it is a delight to feel that urge falling away.

I'm happy happy happy with the DISCIPLINE that puts me in the chair and takes me thru one form or the other - sometimes both. Yes, it's partly motivated by my love for my sifu and a desire to make him proud & show him I learn from his teaching. That I learn must be obvious over the years, but the experience is shifting now and becoming deeper and more personal, and is more important to me for MY sake now. Besides, he cares about me like I am, anyway.

And I believe I'm seeing results of the time spent in the way I get thru these days. My patience quotient is way up and that is serving me very well right now, as you might imagine. 

I would spend more time writing. Perhaps that will work out better as the schedule jells...  A PT person from Home Health will be here sometime today. Hope it times will with Joie's meds.

I'm also doing a much better job of taking care of myself, too, during these care-giving days. I've booked a wife-sitter (the angelic K & M) for today so I can go grocery shopping. And I have them coming out again on Thursday so I can help run the Karaoke Party at Cree Country Club. That should be fun! I haven't decided on my costume. I might wear an old Tai Chi jacket and my coolie hat. Or I might wear this... if I can find some ears...

Believe it or not; it's an old post card my Mom sent to me way back in the 80's. My favorite costume.   :)
and I always wanted green eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, have a great day (unless you have other plans); I already started!

Day 37 ~ with some ramblings about Joel

Another gorgeous morning. I love the Fall here. Crisp and bright.

Kathryn and Marcia brought the pups home last evening! Things are beginning to get back to normal.
Sort of...

Meditation this morning was 35 minutes of sitting. It was a drifting thing. My mind wasn't chattering so much as just wandering. My body wanted to sleep some more. I found my first slouch happens in my neck and shoulders. Caught it many times.

Today's reading from 365 Tao, which I read after I sat, was perfect for today - encouraging.

For your edification:

"If I break down the walls, I will be surrounded by the garden.
If I break the levee, water will inundate me.
Meditation is not to be separated from life."

"The task of following Tao is to cease all distinctions between the self and the outside world. It is only a matter of convenience that we label things inside and outside, subjective and objective. Indeed, it is only at elementary stages that we should talk of a Tao to follow. For true enlightenment is the realization not that there is a Tao to follow, but that we ourselves are Tao.

"That understanding comes after a simple breaking down of a wall, a shattering of the mistaken notion that there is something inherent in this life that divides us from Tao. Once the wall is broken, we are inundated by Tao. We are Tao.

"Do we continue to meditate once we come to this understanding? We still do, but it is no longer a solitary and isolated activity. It is a part of life, as natural as breathing. When you can bring yourself to the understanding that there is no difference between you and Tao and that there is no difference between meditation and "ordinary" activities, then you are well on your way to being one with Tao."

This is not to say that..  coming back to this idea later, hopefully. Family morning has interveded. Happily.

Learning a new routine in the house has been a bit of a challenge for me. The only big logistical problem in Joel's getting around with her walker is the fact that our interior doorways are narrower than those in 'real' houses. In most, she can turn sideways, practice her side-step and get thru with little problem. The doorway to the small (but most used) bathroom is another matter. Her best walker won't fit thru, period. So the narrower borrowed walker lives in that bathroom. We should filn that process: a walker, a cane, then a second walker. But it works.

And Joel even thought of a way go protect her leg when the dogs are ready to crawl all over here. We have a plastic step-stool that is the perfect size to straddle that knee. Works perfectly. In bed at night we use a couple of firm pillows held in place with the blankets. That works, too. Hooray.
Joel and the pups are in bed now, while she eats breakfast and the morning meds work. Bearly is on top of her legs, and Maxie is beside her. When her pills kick in in about 20 more minutes, she'll do her laps around the house, then head to the den where she does her exercises.

And now I'm settled much more, too. Between Joel and me and the home health nurse, Jennifer, we have the right furniture in the right places with the right accessories close by. She's beginning to feel confident enough to get up and move by herself, though I'm still standing by. Jennifer says that the 'standing by' phase could be two more weeks or so...  possibly less depending on how much work she does. And man, it is work. It's hard for her to see beyond the immediate pain stuff, but she's going to be very pleasantly surprised one day when she realizes how much stronger she has become just because of what this surgery is requiring of her. Tres cool, as far as I'm concerned.

But, this post is not really about all that. It's about my Practice and my practice of it.

I got interrupted in this When Joel woke; it was coming shortly anyway because her dosing schedule calls for pills at 9:45. I had taken the both dogs to the den with me when I woke about 7:00. They, thankfully were willing to go back to sleep on the couch under a blanket with only a little bit of cuddling. I got some of my quiet time. :)

exercise time... will finish later...or not. :)

 

Day 36 ~

It's shortly after 9:00. I sleep between meds doses: 1:45 - 5:45 and 6:00 to when I wake - usually 7:30-8:00.
I've done 35 minutes of sitting in the chair. And I've read today's 365 Tao. The poem part is this:

"Fog makes the world a painting obscure.
Even close trees are half unseen.
But a lonesome crow won't stop calling:
He objects to being in this dream."

 

The last line of the reading is:

"We have eyes to see, but we also have voice to refute the existential delusion."

 

My Tai Chi class read that today; I miss them, and the discussion that might have followed. But I'll be up in a minute from here, and I will finish the Form with them.

My sitting brought me, I think, a method for letting the dogs sleep in the room and still protect Joel's leg. We'll see what she thinks later.

And Jennifer - our favorite home health person in the World - will be here by late morning. So looking forward to that!

Beautiful, bright, sunny morning. All is well. Even when I forget to remember. :)

Day 35 ~ and a catch-up of a couple

This is Friday, our first full day home after Joel's surgery in ABQ. We got in last night about 6 or so.

Yesterday, #34, was not our happiest in spite of getting to come home. The exit process was rushed and weird. Then they handed me two prescriptions for pain meds (her next dose was due in 45 minutes!) and said we could go.  ...What?
"May I have the drugs to get her home on? That's 188 miles! No, you can't; that's illegal.
Can we sit here for 45 minutes so you can dose her? No, she's been released. But you can go to the drug store. There's one just down the street." 

I was fit to be tied!

That put both ends of the trip -  getting her in and out of a low-slung car, at home navigating a gravel pathway and 6 steps - on the wrong ends of her meds.

I don't remember if I did meditation. There was no Tai Chi in the morning; I didn't want to miss any of the exit nurses or their information, so I was there by 8:00.

Day #33 was MUCH better than Thursday and probably made getting thru the tough one easier.  That was Wednesday and I wasn't feeling much time pressure. I did both of my practices while still at the motel. Joel was in good hands and doing well. Spent the day at the hospital then picked up a friend for a drink and a Thai dinner. Then we took some food to Joel and she got a good visit with Andi.
I found something to stress over in the walker that we had, but I told people and left big notes and the word got thru. We got the one she needs.

And after taking Andi home, I still had a nice quiet evening at home in the motel.

Now, we're back to today, and I did not find many moments for quiet reflection...until now.
There was a glitch in the orders so the Home Health folks had never heard of us. Left messages. Fretted.
But with my newfound understanding about pain management, I was strict with doses, and got most of her exercises out of her in the morning. She slept a lot, but walked again in the late afternoon. And by 5:00 dear Jennifer found an email about us and reasons for the mix-up were discovered and understood.
Most of the morning was spent changing furniture and figuring out how Joel could get around. And tracking down extra blankets. Anyway.... 

I found some time in the afternoon when I thought a little meditation would be in order. Could not pull it off; couldn't stop fidgeting; mind scattered and racing.
I switched to Tai Chi and after awhile I began to relax somewhat. I just focused (repeatedly) on finding places that were tight and relaxing them. Today my shoulders were the most actively tight. Couldn't seem to keep them off my ears! :)

It worked like meditation for me today.

One minute I think I picked one Hell of a time for my 100 Days, and then I think, I picked a Hell of a time for these 100 Days!

Now, it's time for meds. Then two more hours of silence.

Day 32

Today was fix the car day, and I slept a bit later than I meant, so no meditation or Tai Chi at the start of the day. The car thing didn't turn out to be just what we thought - the recall issue - so I ended up spending cash. Nice to have it available.

In the course of wandering around the hospital I found a cool, little-used waiting area on Joel's floor, where part of the floor is linoleum. That is now my new perfect place for TC when I am here.

Meditation will be tonight after some Chinese food or something...

I'm tired, a bit bored, and short on patience tonight. Definitely a night for some quiet time.

good night.

Day 30 ~ Traveling & Playing

I didn't even realize I had not posted for day 30. That was Sunday, our day to pack up and head to ABQ for the surgery. K & M came, too. They meant to host us there at the Casino Hotel, but since We had to check Joel in at 6:00 am, we decided to go on to our own little favorite Econolodge. I dropped Joel off with the girls and went on to get unpacked and enjoy a little quiet.

While they played the one-armed-bandits, I made friends with a bartender who shared a new creation of his own: a cocktail he calls Honey Harvest. Very tasty! And I actually got something for MY money! Ha Ha...

We splurged on dinner at Embers, a steakhouse, then Joel and I left the girls playing and vwent to bed early.

I did do a fair amount of tai chi at the motel before I rejoined the girls. Had a couple of witnesses, and I think I scared the handyman. :)  Not really, of course, but I had to tell him it was ok to come past me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Day 31 !

I have SO many lovey words in my mind....
I LOVE how things just keep working out for me. Feels like my version of a couple (thousand) little buddhas'/esthers'/abrahams'/four-leggeds' description of the right path for me for now.

(any grammarians going crazy out there, yet?) 

Joel's surgery went off with amazing efficiency and good cheer. Great people willing to laugh, and we planned it that way. Joel just loves making people laugh and they like her for it. (I found out by reading it a list published by some med magazine...  how do you spell DU-UH! )

My meditation today consists of noticing this fact:
Joel feels her way into medical situations of various seriousness with people by showing her interest in them, personally, and by telling her stories or jokes, to make them like her. I tend to research my way into these situations by learning 'the rules' and the physical layout, etc. so they will like me because I'm a good girl.

I'm beginning to get it about a certain amount of playfulness in ways I never have before. And Joel just had a good dose of the merit of my lists. One bottom line: balance equals moderation. I'm also understanding that there is more to know about my sifu's ending to that phrase: ... in all things except moderation.

I'm on a short break from the hospital so I won't linger.

I did go wandering a bit though and found, across the street north is a church which has a perfect spot for tai chi. Though I've done it here at the hotel in a fine place, this one is very cool energetically, and acousticly

Joel had PT today, too, btw, and did better than either of us expected! They had her out of bed - standing up (with walker), AND she took 4 side steps. lesson in both walking and walker. Huge success.

Oh, I do want to share this: I'm enjoying a bunch of terrific home grown JUICY cherry tomatoes (thanks Cleis), and I'm sopping it all up with a good chunk of a mini bread loaf leftover from Embers. yum.

oh, yeah, I'm noticing...

.... almost lost that thought entirely - I'm noticing that all that angst just MIGHT be old habit energy, too, and the OCD thing  well, you just never know.

I love my life and I'm eager for more! Angst and all. It seems like a wiser kind of crazy than bungee jumping.

Day 28 ~ Getting back to normal?

Ah... exhale. Joel is fine; we're still (surprisingly!) on the same surgical schedule.  I used the CD and the readings again. I was doing some Tai Chi when the Family arose, and I was able to finish: about 3 cycles thru with repeated sections in the second one...

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 26 ~ Wednesday

The Day happened; the Practice didn't... excuses to follow... Had to make another trip to Albuquerque.

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.