My Mango has kidney disease and will be dead before the end of the week...
My emotions are so tangled up now. Obvious reasons abound:
1. Pandemic - I am relatively safe but/and alone.
2. Winter Snow/Ice storm - relatively safe; never lost power; almost lost water, but moved fast enough and have Marc Stewart.
3. Mango's sudden decline & imminent death - I've known it was coming since October.
4. My emotions are complicated because I want to be petless to travel one day when we can. And it feels normal to blame myself.
I'd like to believe that that doesn't negate my love for Mango. Tough to do so.
5. Therapy interuptus: My work with Ken was/has/is working.. I furloughed him in November because I felt strong, and because I felt
guilty for taking so much (two hours a month by phone!) time away from those more needy of him, like 1st responders, etc.
I'm not sure I know what the less obvious reasons are...
Such a WEIRD FUCKING YEAR!
...laying down here my email exchange with Jess:
Me: 2-16-21
i really hope you’ve gone to bed already and that you won’t see this till morning... will send it now though.
Mango is fading fast, Jess. i don’t know an easy way to say that.
Yesterday was full of frantic winter water issues & plumber friend Marc Stewart, and i didn’t really track on Mango till after 4:00.
He has not totally stopped taking food, but only rare small licks. he rarely moves, and spends most time at the back of my closet.
I’m scheduled for my covid booster tomorrow at 2:00. I’m planning to make that. I talked with Dr. F today; she’ll come here when I say, quite likely tomorrow. 💔
She: 2-17-21
Me: 2-17-21
There was evidence that he ate a bite or two in the night. And used his litter box.
I think he wants outside, but I can't bear that thought. I'm sure I'd never see him again...
I gave him that opportunity Monday evening but the cold deterred him.
I don't have whatever it takes to risk that again.
I've thought a lot about having someone here... but Shaula is not the right one. I can't lean on her,
and she is in the midst of some very big medical issues of her own.
And Mango wasn't really interested in people. Dr. Favis will be more than enough. She is quite loud generally.
I will talk to Favis again today. Probably thru email, since I've learned that I can.
I knew you'd want to be here, and the wanting is enough. I'm really ok with Mango's death;
it's just going to be sad whether someone is here or not. Love is never futile, and your particular brand is uplifting!
By next week or so when the cold breaks and the sun will be time enough and I'll be done with most of the crying.
I slept better last night, too. The shoveling on Sunday and slogging thru snow dealing with the water took most of my
physical resources and, naturally, I didn't sleep much Monday. I'm stronger now.
Yours is the only response I want. I knew you wouldn't say, it's gonna be all right...
I don't trust anyone else for that sort of presence. ❤️
And a break in the cold is coming. Thankfully! and for TX, too. Do you have power?!??
I love you.
