Six days left in this year - 2020.
Jess and I spent yesterday together. It was Great! Our time was about being together, though and only incidentally about Christmas.
I'm going to miss her something fierce!! She leaves on the 29th. She's in a transition period, too. Questioning her profession and her motivations; taking online classes; and contemplating 3 months living with FOO (family of origin) in Texas while she does the online work.
We had such a good talk... hours worth. If I could have special ordered a daughter from the cosmos, she is it.
What prompted me to open this post today is a sentence I read in HCR's (Heather Cox Richardson) newsletter today.
"A reminder, if anything can help in these dark times, that Christmas marks the time when the light starts to come back."
I've joked for years that Dec. 22nd is the first day of Spring because the days start getting longer and the daylight lasts longer.
But in HCR's sentence today, I heard many more levels of thought about what constitutes the 'light'. Brilliant!
(LOL, light and brilliance! Illumination everywhere!!)
This whole year for me has been enlightening. :)
In late January I had a guided 'shrooms experience that was less than I expected (!), but that triggered some definite somethings!
I had just started working with a therapist - largely because I wanted to be able to talk about the 'trip'. I didn't find him until the week before, but he turned out to be a good choice. (I furloughed him in late November.)
In February my sibs and I sold the family farm. Lots of reasons having to do (mostly) with our aging and Susan's
unwillingness to manage it all for the next generation.
The timing of that sale was absolutely perfect; we closed on February 28th. As of that date, I had heard about Covid, I think, but without huge concern. The closing had been postponed once or twice, and I remember a feeling of urgency in getting that done.
But I'm not sure of the timing, really.
The results of that sale made it possible for me to pay off my mortgage, and clear the last of the credit card debt.
THAT was the act/miracle that made it financially possible for me to ride out the pandemic, since the revenues that had come from my royalties dropped drastically and have still not recovered much.
And then came March...with Ides! Now ides, really, is just the 15th. Every month has one.
If you've forgotten why the phrase, "Beware the Ides of March" is familiar to you, see Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar.
Our Brutus this year has been Covid, almost unimaginably abetted by our very own President & Congress.
If you are interested in a very good overview of this whole year, and more, I refer you to HCR's "Letters From an American".
By May or June I had changed the therapist from bi-monthly to monthly.
(BTW, he works by phone and is very good: Dr. Ken Kenney; you can find him online.)
Ken asked me a question this summer that was a Super Trigger for accessing new insights.
He asked, "In what ways have you been complicit in fostering/maintaining the sense that you are worthless?"
That's really more of a paraphrase. But you get the point, I'm sure.
So did I.
"in what ways..." Not Why.
I admit that one of my first thoughts was, 'F%ck! So it really IS my fault'. Symptomatic? yes...
And when I have countless hours with little distraction expect social media...
(I wonder what makes anyone think that online anything is really Social).
The answers are/were myriad and one or two came to mind immediately.
The internal work I did from that, has been transforming!
Because my kind of mental illness was imposed upon me, not genetically created or informed by gross abuse.
I drank the kool-aid willingly and often eagerly. And even imposed the same thoughts into the minds of other people before I knew better.
I've had a Lot of therapists in my life. Most of them were good, a couple were Excellent, and one or two did more damage than help.
Whatever... I got here. "Here" is a very good place, now. :)
Suffice it to say that I had a very strong Snail Slime attitude about who and what I was. Unattractive, not smart, ugly and fat. Well...fat is relative. it's the inner dialogue about the fat that shows the damage, and with work can effect the change.
I'm not going into any sort of detail here. A few reasons:
1. Most of you have seen the behavior that resulted from my less-well thoughts.
2. Blame solves nothing.
3. One can not parent better than they know.
4. Everyone in my life - Every One - intended good to me. (Insert here your own thoughts about "good Intentions".)
5. This attitude/affliction (imo) effects maybe 70% of Westerners, and about 85-90% of Americans.
6. Religion should be classed and a schedule 1 narcotic and rated X. And not just my own cradle religion.
Yes. I'm still knee-jerking a bit over religion.
In most other areas of my mental/psychological life, I am truly content.
I've learned that I love Social Events, such as our Karaoke nights (of old). But mostly, I enjoy solitude.
I know that there is NO such thing as a negative emotion.
They are responses to stuff and should be accepted as true and honored, felt, and sometimes examined.
I noticed just yesterday that All of the dogs I know Like Me! And I think most dogs aren't fond of snail slime. LOL!!
So, good day to you.
May your new year bring love, enlightenment, companionship, and peace to your hearts. <3