There have been two calls with Ken, now.
I know I don't want to let go of that connection, but sometimes I wonder about my need of him.
Other days, I wish he lived in the spare room. :)
I've stopped going to Cornerstone. I blame them for my last meltdown, too.
This one was over the fact that they put the gravy on top of the biscuits, so that by the time I got them home, I had bread/flour mush. Another tiny little thing that triggered the Biggest Anger reaction I've had in a LONG time. But/and some consciousness remained as I could make decisions within the tirade about how loud and what it meant, etc.
Another time, recently in my tai chi class, I reacted to the reading on discipline in a way that sent me back down my rabbit hole; the shame one.
I was in class. With Jim. I handled it better - maybe.
I felt as if I turned the first half of that class into Inner Child Work. And it worked. or helped a lot. 'Cause consciousness remained.
(I may actually decide I'm mentally healthy one of these days. Just kind of scared of who I might have to be.)
I'm spending WAY too much time with a screen in front of my eyes!
Working on that.
Working on projects. sort of.
Shredding years of old tax docs; even found one folder from 1995!
The never-ending rearrangement of furniture.
Writing lists of chores...not Doing them, just listing.
Eating-cooking-drinking-eating.
I'm drinking more these days and smoking Every Night ...sometimes all day.
Most mornings, I think I won't do that today. Most evenings I think, maybe tomorrow.
The anniversary of Joel's death has come and gone. I couldn't decide whether to mention it or not. It's been 5 years. Damn.
But then, I wanted to isolate more completely because someone I know was diagnosed positive for Covid, and Joel's death date fell within that time.
Seemed no point to it then. And no one could hold me, anyway.
It wasn't even sad, really. She was on my mind most of the day. I listened to music we liked.
Did some crying...but in a really good way. just missing her, not agonizing over her absence.
I feel her absence a lot these days, as you might imagine, being otherwise alone.
I LIKE alone. Just maybe not this much of it.
I LONG for a time when I can stand right smack up against my dear friends in a long embrace.
The last time someone touched me was my dear sweet Jessica maybe a month ago. That was a Really good hug.
I LONG for an afternoon in the bar at Rancher's with my 'gang' for Ed's dirty martinis.
He's back at work, but you have to stay outside in the tent.
I LONG for a slow multi-course fine meal with wine and dessert at some great restaurant. And,
I'd REALLY like to Cook a nice meal for my friends.
So, really, I'm fine. Actually fine, not just saying so.
