I am ridiculously happy these days. Smiles come easily. Belly is more relaxed.
Today is overcast. and cool: about 70 degrees. The tourists from Texas and Mexico are probably delighted. They are everywhere, by the way. Tourists, I mean.
Some brilliant family has begun renting kayaks, paddle boards, and canoes down at Grindstone Lake (reservoir). Excited to try the first two... would canoe with congenial company.
This is the 4th of July that fell on a Wednesday. It is unusually quiet, but sounds are picking up. ( currently about 3:30 pm)
I was sitting on the porch enjoying some herbal medication and thinking about this day for this country. Ruidoso is a town with a tourist economy which seems to mean that most people here are either celebrating with parties or at local venues, or serving those people in some way.
Now...I"m just rambling. ..
I've begun to know that I am not patriotic. Used to be long ago.
I didn't put out a flag; in fact, I threw away the one I had.
I'm a little embarrassed to be American these days. I'm loosening up on this 'judgement' thing, but a woman does have standards.
To me, patriotism...or rather, Patriotism, is tribalism. And the more we keep pointing out our differences...
Awww...
all this has been said before by tons of others. Let's just say, I'm not singing anthems today. :)
(Disclaimer: I DID fly the Gay flag all through June)
I'd rather say a bit about happiness and how it manifests for me. or manifested. ( I have come to believe that Jim is right when he says that words can tend to complicate communication unnecessarily. )
The "stuff" of my years: experiences; upbringing; education & indoctrination; religion, etc., has been piling up in my brain for Years. Often I felt frustrated and somehow punished by knowing that the information was in me (brain) but absolutely Not of me (heart).
And one day, I said to myself, "What if...?"
What if I really am made of stardust?
What if I am not different, no better-no worse, than any other human on this or any other planet?
What if those people who say they love me, really do?
I Say I believe those things (I said to myself some months ago)
What do I Really believe? And what does it take (cost) me to hold the beliefs I do?
For me to continue to believe (and Behave!) as if I am a little trail of snail slime, I have to assume that almost everyone I know: family, friends, teachers, mentors, lovers...were/are all liars. They never said good things about me because they were true; it was always because they were 'being nice'.
So one other day, I saw a really pretty snail crossing a step on the patio early one morning. in the sun.
Her trail was sparkly and beautiful. Who knew?
It was weeks before that insight got past my ego's filters, but I Did finally get that. :)
I've know for decades where & how my low self-esteem was generated, and I had/have intellectually rejected that indoctrination.
Why was it only and still intellectual? (Redundant and Rhetorical.)
What if...
...I behaved as if I AM made of stardust?
... as if I'm just like everybody else?
...as if people really do love me?
And over some few months I noticed more of my internal language; I smiled and accepted the regards of my friends; I talked less and listened more; I meditated much more...
...and I got Jessica...my daughter who wasn't but is.
...who is a version of me as I was back then (she's 41).
And my heart has opened and I am not the same, just so much more me... Life is good.
