The Next 100 Days ~ March 1 through June 10

I've felt this coming on almost since the last 100 days ended at the end of last year.  These will start in a few days, and will finish up just short of 3 weeks after our return from the May Trip.

The trigger to start this up again has come from Laura, not surprisingly, who reads my mail; rattles my cage; and in general (and without saying a word about it) challenges me to get off my butt and do my work/play/joyful living. The other trigger is my Sifu, Jim, who teaches my Tai Chi classes, and stopped pulling his punches many months ago. He believes I'm lazy and lacking in self-discipline. He's not wrong.

I've just started reading this new work of Laua's, and find that it is hitting very near to issues that have been way up top for me lately. I feel the same way in my TC classes, too. And for the last few weeks, I've foung myself very emotional at points in the class.

My I'm-not-worth stuff is very strong. And I'm tired, confused, disappointed in myself, angry...very very angry and a tad prone to melancholy. I try to think of it this way:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, it's not really funny.

 

 

(And, BTW, I found this picture here, though I don't really know who snapped the shot.)

A million years ago I whould have said, I'm F.I.N.E.!
(fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.)

Yep, I'm fine. Taking my lead from Laura, again, I'll post this excerpt from the email I sent after I started reading her new material last night.


"I started reading last night. It was hard to stop and go to bed.

And beyond that, I scarcely know what to say.

You, starting to post again at this time, convinces me (once again) that the Universe/Source/WTF-ever puts in front of me the stuff that I need. And these days, I'm falling over my feet trying to back away from it all.

I can punch my own buttons quite successfully,  then Jim challenges me, and now you're writing (for me) again.

I'd like to say I'm fragile now. I'm certainly vulnerable. And I know...really deeply know that I have to change some things about myself and my life. And I'm tired; I have a head cold; and I haven't wanted to be the head of a household of five, well six, counting me...and all of us wounded...some of us warriors.

My faith is tiny and shaky; I'm terrified of even the thought of disappointing/hurting some people; unwilling to break current long-standing promises; the whole world knows I lack self-discipline; and i have no idea at this point what will come from all these roads crossing here right in front of me."

Here I am. Still reading?
Well, that's it for now.

except for this:
Joy is in the moment. One does not search for it; one decides to BE it. Especially if the task of the moment is one in which we are not accustomed to finding joy.
Check this.