KateThoughts

Day 39 (redux) and Day 40 and today ~ Day 41

How wrong can one woman be about her plans for the day?! Isn't there some joke about the way to make God laugh is just to make a few plans? Holy cow, is she chuckling now!

Tuesday (day 39) started beautifully as posted here recently.
Then turned.

Joel woke up, and then could not catch her breath. Period. I've forgotten if it was just the getting up, but I think she had made the trek to the bathroom, then back to bed where she takes pills and starts dressing.
Well, Tuesday, she just could not get her breath regulated/slowed enough. She called the doc's office and we headed down there. I won't do details here, because it's almost time for the dogs to be up even if Joel doesn't quite yet....
But... it all was about her breathing and lung capacity. They were worried about a possible pulmonary embolism - and absolutely terrified Joie when she understood that. And she has had a couple of days from hell, including an ambulance ride, more tests, and an overnight in the hospital.

We're back home now; she'll be on oxygen for at least a few weeks; her CPap machine will be changed. And we're almost back to square one...square three, perhaps, on her knee rehab.

I have managed quite a bit of controlled breathing in various places over these two days, and have used some QiGong techniques to help that. And today, Day 41, I did manage 30 minutes with my butt in a chair counting inhales and exhales. I can't call it meditation. And I have not done any Tai Chi. Somehow, I'll get that statement changed today.

And I've used our friends So Much over the last few days - for dog sitting that I'm almost feeling guilty about it. Takes some practice (of its own kind) to stay out of that.  And I MUST use them tonight because I promised to run the Halloween Karaoke Show at Cree Country Club. Not only do I value keeping promises, but it is a tad late to cancel a public show. Thankfully, Marcia (different one), will be there to handle the mics and the patter. All I have to do is run the computer.
And, lordy, do I need a night out of here.  The usual angels Kathryn & Marcia will be here with Joel.

So, the practice of my Practice is a jumbled mess right now, but is still happening in its way. I'm not sure my sifu will agree, exactly. But it feels like the best I could have done.
Oh, how that old habit energy wants to beat on me today...  I won't go there. no, I won't...

Day 39 ~ a totally different start

I slept. And the morning is gorgeous. ..almost said sunrise, but I didn't get up (to stay) until 8:20. Most wonderful. Sleep has been on short supply.
I used the phone (gentler alarm) to wake us for the night-time meds; best sleep I've had since we got home.

However... I have a wife-sitter coming in just over an hour so I can go OUT to the grocery store and  couple of errands. yeah!
And that means that for now, the practice of my Practice will have to wait for later in the day. That should be easy; there are no nurses or PT's or anything coming back today. I'll be back later to check in. See ya...

Day 38

I can scarcely believe that this is Day 38.

Meditation is what it is for me, still. Today I started with just breath but switched to the guided meditation about 5 minutes in. That runs for about 15 minutes, then I was able to continue with just breath again. I think about 35 minutes altogether...  That seems to be my current wall for duration.

The form so far consisted of 3 cycles thru the 5 Elements Form. I like that form more and more and I especially like it in the morning. It feels like such a great way to greet the day. I will make some time for Yang later in the day, but for now, I can't get to clothes without risking waking folks. And I'm a little possessive of this quiet time. Maxie is with me; she wouldn't have stayed in a bed empty of mamas. Bearly is sleeping with Joel. Cool.

He's staying very close to her since he came home. I don't know if there is any significance to that, but I like to think so.
And Mango just came in asking for his morning treat and massage.  ..my mistake: today it was treats only.   :)

I'm liking the fact that I'm letting this stuff be as it is. The meditation is shorter than I will be able to do later on, but I'm happy with the time in the chair even when it feels scattered and fruitless, sometimes. I could say the same about the form, too. Some days, it feels that it gets done just so I can report it here. Letting that be ok, too. Old habit energy is beginning to shift.I used to be so quick to judge myself; it is a delight to feel that urge falling away.

I'm happy happy happy with the DISCIPLINE that puts me in the chair and takes me thru one form or the other - sometimes both. Yes, it's partly motivated by my love for my sifu and a desire to make him proud & show him I learn from his teaching. That I learn must be obvious over the years, but the experience is shifting now and becoming deeper and more personal, and is more important to me for MY sake now. Besides, he cares about me like I am, anyway.

And I believe I'm seeing results of the time spent in the way I get thru these days. My patience quotient is way up and that is serving me very well right now, as you might imagine. 

I would spend more time writing. Perhaps that will work out better as the schedule jells...  A PT person from Home Health will be here sometime today. Hope it times will with Joie's meds.

I'm also doing a much better job of taking care of myself, too, during these care-giving days. I've booked a wife-sitter (the angelic K & M) for today so I can go grocery shopping. And I have them coming out again on Thursday so I can help run the Karaoke Party at Cree Country Club. That should be fun! I haven't decided on my costume. I might wear an old Tai Chi jacket and my coolie hat. Or I might wear this... if I can find some ears...

Believe it or not; it's an old post card my Mom sent to me way back in the 80's. My favorite costume.   :)
and I always wanted green eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, have a great day (unless you have other plans); I already started!

Day 37 ~ with some ramblings about Joel

Another gorgeous morning. I love the Fall here. Crisp and bright.

Kathryn and Marcia brought the pups home last evening! Things are beginning to get back to normal.
Sort of...

Meditation this morning was 35 minutes of sitting. It was a drifting thing. My mind wasn't chattering so much as just wandering. My body wanted to sleep some more. I found my first slouch happens in my neck and shoulders. Caught it many times.

Today's reading from 365 Tao, which I read after I sat, was perfect for today - encouraging.

For your edification:

"If I break down the walls, I will be surrounded by the garden.
If I break the levee, water will inundate me.
Meditation is not to be separated from life."

"The task of following Tao is to cease all distinctions between the self and the outside world. It is only a matter of convenience that we label things inside and outside, subjective and objective. Indeed, it is only at elementary stages that we should talk of a Tao to follow. For true enlightenment is the realization not that there is a Tao to follow, but that we ourselves are Tao.

"That understanding comes after a simple breaking down of a wall, a shattering of the mistaken notion that there is something inherent in this life that divides us from Tao. Once the wall is broken, we are inundated by Tao. We are Tao.

"Do we continue to meditate once we come to this understanding? We still do, but it is no longer a solitary and isolated activity. It is a part of life, as natural as breathing. When you can bring yourself to the understanding that there is no difference between you and Tao and that there is no difference between meditation and "ordinary" activities, then you are well on your way to being one with Tao."

This is not to say that..  coming back to this idea later, hopefully. Family morning has interveded. Happily.

Learning a new routine in the house has been a bit of a challenge for me. The only big logistical problem in Joel's getting around with her walker is the fact that our interior doorways are narrower than those in 'real' houses. In most, she can turn sideways, practice her side-step and get thru with little problem. The doorway to the small (but most used) bathroom is another matter. Her best walker won't fit thru, period. So the narrower borrowed walker lives in that bathroom. We should filn that process: a walker, a cane, then a second walker. But it works.

And Joel even thought of a way go protect her leg when the dogs are ready to crawl all over here. We have a plastic step-stool that is the perfect size to straddle that knee. Works perfectly. In bed at night we use a couple of firm pillows held in place with the blankets. That works, too. Hooray.
Joel and the pups are in bed now, while she eats breakfast and the morning meds work. Bearly is on top of her legs, and Maxie is beside her. When her pills kick in in about 20 more minutes, she'll do her laps around the house, then head to the den where she does her exercises.

And now I'm settled much more, too. Between Joel and me and the home health nurse, Jennifer, we have the right furniture in the right places with the right accessories close by. She's beginning to feel confident enough to get up and move by herself, though I'm still standing by. Jennifer says that the 'standing by' phase could be two more weeks or so...  possibly less depending on how much work she does. And man, it is work. It's hard for her to see beyond the immediate pain stuff, but she's going to be very pleasantly surprised one day when she realizes how much stronger she has become just because of what this surgery is requiring of her. Tres cool, as far as I'm concerned.

But, this post is not really about all that. It's about my Practice and my practice of it.

I got interrupted in this When Joel woke; it was coming shortly anyway because her dosing schedule calls for pills at 9:45. I had taken the both dogs to the den with me when I woke about 7:00. They, thankfully were willing to go back to sleep on the couch under a blanket with only a little bit of cuddling. I got some of my quiet time. :)

exercise time... will finish later...or not. :)

 

Day 36 ~

It's shortly after 9:00. I sleep between meds doses: 1:45 - 5:45 and 6:00 to when I wake - usually 7:30-8:00.
I've done 35 minutes of sitting in the chair. And I've read today's 365 Tao. The poem part is this:

"Fog makes the world a painting obscure.
Even close trees are half unseen.
But a lonesome crow won't stop calling:
He objects to being in this dream."

 

The last line of the reading is:

"We have eyes to see, but we also have voice to refute the existential delusion."

 

My Tai Chi class read that today; I miss them, and the discussion that might have followed. But I'll be up in a minute from here, and I will finish the Form with them.

My sitting brought me, I think, a method for letting the dogs sleep in the room and still protect Joel's leg. We'll see what she thinks later.

And Jennifer - our favorite home health person in the World - will be here by late morning. So looking forward to that!

Beautiful, bright, sunny morning. All is well. Even when I forget to remember. :)

Day 35 ~ and a catch-up of a couple

This is Friday, our first full day home after Joel's surgery in ABQ. We got in last night about 6 or so.

Yesterday, #34, was not our happiest in spite of getting to come home. The exit process was rushed and weird. Then they handed me two prescriptions for pain meds (her next dose was due in 45 minutes!) and said we could go.  ...What?
"May I have the drugs to get her home on? That's 188 miles! No, you can't; that's illegal.
Can we sit here for 45 minutes so you can dose her? No, she's been released. But you can go to the drug store. There's one just down the street." 

I was fit to be tied!

That put both ends of the trip -  getting her in and out of a low-slung car, at home navigating a gravel pathway and 6 steps - on the wrong ends of her meds.

I don't remember if I did meditation. There was no Tai Chi in the morning; I didn't want to miss any of the exit nurses or their information, so I was there by 8:00.

Day #33 was MUCH better than Thursday and probably made getting thru the tough one easier.  That was Wednesday and I wasn't feeling much time pressure. I did both of my practices while still at the motel. Joel was in good hands and doing well. Spent the day at the hospital then picked up a friend for a drink and a Thai dinner. Then we took some food to Joel and she got a good visit with Andi.
I found something to stress over in the walker that we had, but I told people and left big notes and the word got thru. We got the one she needs.

And after taking Andi home, I still had a nice quiet evening at home in the motel.

Now, we're back to today, and I did not find many moments for quiet reflection...until now.
There was a glitch in the orders so the Home Health folks had never heard of us. Left messages. Fretted.
But with my newfound understanding about pain management, I was strict with doses, and got most of her exercises out of her in the morning. She slept a lot, but walked again in the late afternoon. And by 5:00 dear Jennifer found an email about us and reasons for the mix-up were discovered and understood.
Most of the morning was spent changing furniture and figuring out how Joel could get around. And tracking down extra blankets. Anyway.... 

I found some time in the afternoon when I thought a little meditation would be in order. Could not pull it off; couldn't stop fidgeting; mind scattered and racing.
I switched to Tai Chi and after awhile I began to relax somewhat. I just focused (repeatedly) on finding places that were tight and relaxing them. Today my shoulders were the most actively tight. Couldn't seem to keep them off my ears! :)

It worked like meditation for me today.

One minute I think I picked one Hell of a time for my 100 Days, and then I think, I picked a Hell of a time for these 100 Days!

Now, it's time for meds. Then two more hours of silence.

Day 32

Today was fix the car day, and I slept a bit later than I meant, so no meditation or Tai Chi at the start of the day. The car thing didn't turn out to be just what we thought - the recall issue - so I ended up spending cash. Nice to have it available.

In the course of wandering around the hospital I found a cool, little-used waiting area on Joel's floor, where part of the floor is linoleum. That is now my new perfect place for TC when I am here.

Meditation will be tonight after some Chinese food or something...

I'm tired, a bit bored, and short on patience tonight. Definitely a night for some quiet time.

good night.

Day 30 ~ Traveling & Playing

I didn't even realize I had not posted for day 30. That was Sunday, our day to pack up and head to ABQ for the surgery. K & M came, too. They meant to host us there at the Casino Hotel, but since We had to check Joel in at 6:00 am, we decided to go on to our own little favorite Econolodge. I dropped Joel off with the girls and went on to get unpacked and enjoy a little quiet.

While they played the one-armed-bandits, I made friends with a bartender who shared a new creation of his own: a cocktail he calls Honey Harvest. Very tasty! And I actually got something for MY money! Ha Ha...

We splurged on dinner at Embers, a steakhouse, then Joel and I left the girls playing and vwent to bed early.

I did do a fair amount of tai chi at the motel before I rejoined the girls. Had a couple of witnesses, and I think I scared the handyman. :)  Not really, of course, but I had to tell him it was ok to come past me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Day 31 !

I have SO many lovey words in my mind....
I LOVE how things just keep working out for me. Feels like my version of a couple (thousand) little buddhas'/esthers'/abrahams'/four-leggeds' description of the right path for me for now.

(any grammarians going crazy out there, yet?) 

Joel's surgery went off with amazing efficiency and good cheer. Great people willing to laugh, and we planned it that way. Joel just loves making people laugh and they like her for it. (I found out by reading it a list published by some med magazine...  how do you spell DU-UH! )

My meditation today consists of noticing this fact:
Joel feels her way into medical situations of various seriousness with people by showing her interest in them, personally, and by telling her stories or jokes, to make them like her. I tend to research my way into these situations by learning 'the rules' and the physical layout, etc. so they will like me because I'm a good girl.

I'm beginning to get it about a certain amount of playfulness in ways I never have before. And Joel just had a good dose of the merit of my lists. One bottom line: balance equals moderation. I'm also understanding that there is more to know about my sifu's ending to that phrase: ... in all things except moderation.

I'm on a short break from the hospital so I won't linger.

I did go wandering a bit though and found, across the street north is a church which has a perfect spot for tai chi. Though I've done it here at the hotel in a fine place, this one is very cool energetically, and acousticly

Joel had PT today, too, btw, and did better than either of us expected! They had her out of bed - standing up (with walker), AND she took 4 side steps. lesson in both walking and walker. Huge success.

Oh, I do want to share this: I'm enjoying a bunch of terrific home grown JUICY cherry tomatoes (thanks Cleis), and I'm sopping it all up with a good chunk of a mini bread loaf leftover from Embers. yum.

oh, yeah, I'm noticing...

.... almost lost that thought entirely - I'm noticing that all that angst just MIGHT be old habit energy, too, and the OCD thing  well, you just never know.

I love my life and I'm eager for more! Angst and all. It seems like a wiser kind of crazy than bungee jumping.

Day 29 ~ I'm REALLY here today.

Days 26, 27, & 28 were all written today... just getting thru the postings to get to this one.

I soloed today on the meditation.

I started out looking at a few books, since I finished the reading of Zen and the Art of Archery. I set aside 3 or 4 for consideration as the next one, and to take with me to ABQ on Sunday. Wow, that's tomorrow!!

Today's reading in the 365 Tao, though, is what really started the day and the meditation. What follows is what I think of as the 'poem' part:

"Summer withered grass to flaxen yellow,
Scorched leaves to brittle paper,
Dried lakes to cracked clay.
Chill Autumn brought little relief--
Only frosted the debastation.
        But with the early gentle rains,
        The earth's fissures softened
        And desiccated plants began to dissolve,
Slowly, balance comes once again."

The text continues with a reference to old people and our longer-range view and how that teaches us to notice that balance comes in cycles, in the course of Nature's progression.

This one seems extra important today. And I decided to forego the guided meditation today. I just sat. Well, I just sat after noticing the time. I, the Ego, wants to measure how well I do and uses time to count that.

So I just sat -- with my thoughts. Almost immediately tears came. I wandered into the past - looked at a friend from those days - another mother -
cried --
breathed -- sometimes I counted out the inhales & exhales --
and just sat -- with my thoughts and my emotions.  And now

I feel better. And so my Ego knows I marked it, I sat there for almost a half hour. When I 'needed' to check the time, I knew that I was finished with meditation for this moment.  ; )

I did only one cycle of the 5 Elements form after that. I have Tai Chi class soon, and I didn't want to leave this room. And I wanted to post this now - not later when I have lost some of the sense of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~To catch up on the last three days, and explain why the posts look as they do...

Joel had to have one more test done before she could be cleared for surgery. A heart doc had to do an EKG and pass on her readiness for the knee work. Could it happen here? Anywhere closer than ABQ? Well, maybe, but not Wednesday and we had a doc appt here with Dr. Martinez. She had to clear Joel, too.

So, to ABQ we go, again. an up and back. Yea for K & M who kept the dogs...even took them Tuesday night after Karaoke so we slept better and got on the road by 7:00. We arrived over an hour early for our 11:15 appointment, but found that was a VERY good thing. We were done with that and out of there before 11:30. Yippee! I'll make it home in time for Tai Chi class.

We did make it home in time. We picked up the dogs and were back in the house before 4:30. Did I go to class? No. My best excuse is the dogs; they DO miss us/me; I just didn't want to leave the house again. For me, too. No more car...  I know that was the old habit energy working; more than a bit lazy...

We got a call from the PA in ABQ. It seems that Joel has a staph infection they want to treat with a nasal ointment, and a kidney infection that they prescribed another antibiotic for - one she'd never taken - a generic Bactrim. Guess what!

Joel is allergic to Bactrim. Oh, my Goodness!! She got so SO sick. She started feeling bad about 1:00 am and woke me just before 3:00. It was NOT good. Lots of pain in too many places, shortness of breath, extreme weakness...weird and scary. She didn't want to get up, and then she thought maybe I could drive her to the ER, then NO... then...
BS, I'm now thinking. I called the EMTs; let them know they didn't have to come with sirens blazing, but do please come now...
Fire/Rescue got here first, put her on some oxygen, and started asking questions. Shortly after that, the EMT's arrived, asked more questions; discussed with us the new antibiotics. It was their opinion that the drugs were just 'working' and that she would just have to ride out they symptoms; and that they would lessen as the infection was battled...  and we had a doc appointment for that afternoon, anyway, right?

So, Joel suffered for many more hours while I watched. It was not pleasant. She was not very coherent, IMO, but was able to doze a little. When she did, I tried to. 

Meanwhile, I made phone calls to ABQ to tell them what was happening, and to our local doc's nurse to see if there was something else to be done. There wasn't really, so we just waited out the time.
Dr. Martinez decided that it was all really allergic reaction to the Bactrim. They gave Joel a steroid shot to help with the symptoms and told us to call Friday morning (yesterday) to report in. The next step TBD from that call.

So Thursday was a day of limbo of sorts. I worked on my lists and my piles. (I ask you, what else should an OCD person be doing when she can't really do anything else?!!)
And I continued my search for a form for a new Advanced Health Directive. I'd forgotten how long ago we did ours. Just a limbo day. Chores; Chorkies; and mind Chatter.

Did it occur to me to meditate? No.

Did it occur to me to do the form? No.

BUT/AND by end of day Friday, Joel is completely over the drug reactions. Dr. M has prescribed an antibiotic Joel has taken and tolerated well. Doc also told us that it was NOT a kidney infection, but only a urinary tract infection, and that she could still clear Joel for the knee surgery. The PA in ABQ agrees. Whew! Got that paperwork. What a relief.

My biggest fear in these few days is that one of these infections or the reaction to the (wrong) drug would prevent us from keeping this surgery date. And I have made a promise to Jim about Thanksgiving and keeping his dog, and...   Just everything about scheduling. When? how? oh, no!?!!

So this morning, in my real meditation, I let a LOT of that tension go. A lot.

It's a great morning.
(Ego is saying, 'if I don't mess up again, I can still get my 100 days out of this 102...)
I've gotta laugh; it is funny, right?

Yeah, it really IS funny. And I'm not that same girl as in the past. I brought her with me, and she holds a lot of good stuff for me. I pulled her in from the 'feminine side'. I'm keeping all the best parts and letting go of the rest.

And now, I can hear my Family. They are up, and they left me alone. Oh happy day. :)

 

Day 28 ~ Getting back to normal?

Ah... exhale. Joel is fine; we're still (surprisingly!) on the same surgical schedule.  I used the CD and the readings again. I was doing some Tai Chi when the Family arose, and I was able to finish: about 3 cycles thru with repeated sections in the second one...

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 27 ~ a kind of limbo

Joel had a nasty reaction to a new Rx. Even had the EMTs out about 3 am. Practice languished ...more, perhaps, later

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 26 ~ Wednesday

The Day happened; the Practice didn't... excuses to follow... Had to make another trip to Albuquerque.

The complete story of Days 26, 27, and 28 can be found at the end of this post for Day 29, today.

Day 25

Well, on a purely physical level I guess I can say I practiced my Practice today.

But, I could not keep my mind off the treadmill. Spinning, spinning, spinning...  on hospital checklists, and packing checklists, and what will the dogs need, and ouch my tummy hurts, and WTH; this is no kind of practice...  and on and on as I can do so well......................

I'm noticing, too, that my belly is tighter all the time. And I don't mean in a good way! And not just this morning. So stuff is up; just not sure what. Control, of course. As I try to let go with one hand, I pick up more stuff with the other. Since now I'm appointment manager for the family, learning balance will be key. That will come from the Practice, as soon as I can make it real.

I'm seriously considering a dose or two of alprazolam. Haven't used it in ages. Is that copping out on the Practice? I don't know that right now. Might have an answer later.

So today I am feeling very UNself-disciplined and very lazy and too busy, also not in a good way.

And just for fun (and to test my ability to stay calm?) I got a water bill with an extra 4650 gallons of water use. Had them re-read it; discovered a leak...bye-bye to $325. The plumber says the Village or R will credit back some of the extra $$ if I present the paid bill...will try that at later today.

Going to have to take time for this Practice out of different parts of the day, too. It works beautifully if I wake at 5:00 or earlier. When I wake later, as I did this morning, I end up feeling that I've raced just to get thru it before the Family wakes. That, basically, kills the Practice before I even get started. And adds to the mind chatter and the tummy aches.

So.
Something will be a little different by the end of today, just don't know what, yet.

 

Day 24 ~ Monday, Oct. 14th

Meditation was short and unsatisfying this morning. I spent the time in the chair, but little of me - other than my physical self - was present in the chair.

Tai Chi went much better, I'm happy to say. I don't remember how many complete cycles I did. I repeated several parts. Focused most on breathing and where the inhales and exhales could be more complete, more slow, more in congruity with my motions.

Happy Monday

I'm making my piles for ABQ and Joel's surgery trip. We go up Sunday for surgery Monday.
I want to treat this trip - including the parts spent at the hospital - as a bit of a retreat. I'm interested to see how calm I can remain; how long it takes me to notice when I'm NOT calm; what tools I use where; etc.

It feels like there is a bit of 'testing myself' involved with these plans. I'd rather that weren't true, but I know myself at least well enough to know that the 'test' is a piece of it all.   :)

There is a new wrinkle in the trip for me that takes me - that WOULD HAVE taken me - completely out of my comfort zone but for this 102 Days thing.
Kathryn and Marcia are coming up Sunday, too, and are sharing a room with us on that Sunday night at the Isleta Casino. Their choice and their treat.
Now, Joel and I must check in to the hospital BY 6:00 AM. That alone would have made a morning Practice tricky, but in a room of our own it would certainly have been doable. I've done it quite successfully before. Not sure how it will go in a room with others who claim they can sleep thru anything.

Almost Everything about sharing space with others hits multiple buttons of the OCD sort. From the snoring (ours & theirs), the VERY early wake-up time, disturbing others...you name it; I don't want to share it.
But it is a really sweet thing for them to want to do. They want to be around for Joel's surgery and will remain long enough to make sure she has come thru it well. And Joel wants it and is very pleased that they want to be there. She also loves Casinos. As do they.
So I will rock & roll with this as best I can. I'm predicting that it will go about a hundred times more smoothly than I expect, and my Practice will grow proportionally.

:)

Day 23

October 13th. Man, time really flies!

Nancy slept in (in Florida) this morning, so I was able to get meditations and readings in before our Skype call. Very nice! I simply don't remember if I did Tai Chi then or not. I think so, but since I have no memory of it, maybe not. I know I did not do it after the Family was up.

I may have to make posting here a part of the challenge. I'm finding that if I don't post fairly soon after the Practice, I don't remember just what I've done.

Happy Day.

 

Day 22

Saturday is Tai Chi class day.
In addition to that, I did the 5 Elements form just after meditation - O Dark Thirty.

Friday and Saturday were VERY windy; spent very little time outside.

 

Day 21

Chatter-chatter-chatter will my rabid-monkey brain never be silent?!

It's a gorgeous morning again today. I'm having lunch with a good friend. Very happy about that.

The meditation practice is done. I let a cat cut me short. (whew) And I found myself slouching in the chair. Over and over!
Perhaps my zafu will help tomorrow, if the hips allow. We'll check it after I finish this posting. Working on the breath in the meditation part didn't really seem to help this morning. The best I can say is that I stayed there for 20 minutes. The worst that I can say is that I fidgeted, and thought way too much for my satisfaction.
And there is the rub, I see. I don't need shouldn't need to be satisfied. My goal, over these 102 days, is to lose as much of Ego as I can.  Judging my 'performance' lets me know that I am not closer to that.

Zen and the Art of Archery is helping a little with perspective. In the Japanese schools these disciplines are taught over years, not some little series of days.

Tai Chi, this morning, went quite a bit better, I think. Here, forcusing on the breath DID help. I began and ended this section of my Practice with the 5 Elements form, and practiced the Yang for 3 full times with some repeats of some sections...about 20 minutes, but it felt much better than yesterday. Though my mind chattered, it seemed easier to get back into the breath and out of my head, for moments at a time. :)

And one day, I'll be measuring the efforts less, too.  Funny woman... 

Be happy in the day, if you choose.

Bears Won last night!

Day 20

It seems a bit tricky to get these posts done on the day of the Day, if you know what I mean.
Day 20 was yesterday. The practice went well. Mind still dances like crazy.

I don't actually remember specifics, and that is the reason I'd like to get a short posting done on the same day.  A little adjustment to routine should fix that.

Days 18 and 19

All went well. My worry was for nothing... well, not exactly for nothing. I'm grasping, hopefully, that worry really is a waste of time.  And I did relax into my favorite: it will all work out well. Sure enough, it did. Details later maybe, but they are not important. 
Everything remains on schedule for Joel's surgery on Oct. 21 st.

Meditation and Tai Chi in a small hotel room proved to be interesting. I used my cell phone for a flashlight. :) and I had the presence of mind to put everything to hand before we sacked out. 365 Tao, Zen and the Art of Archery, and my tiny portable CD player... yes, I know I'm hopelessly lagging behind the techno trends of the day.

The Yang form simply would not fit in the room. I did a couple of repetitions of 5 Elements, then did 3 of Yang outside the room after the sun and Joel were up. Nice. Beautiful day.

This morning was nice, too. Back home in my normal space. And wonder of all wonders, the Family slept in until 9:15 am when I woke 'em up myself.

I'm liking this 102 Days. It's really working. and however much the mind chatters, the butt stays in the chair. 

Whew!

Off to Tai Chi class in 5 minutes, in the glorious fall light of this beautiful area in which I live.

have a great evening; I am.  :)

 

 

Day 17

All done.

Meditation consisted of only the guided breath; fifteen minutes. The form..

well, it's done, too. But mostly for the sake of the discipline. Mind chattered thru almost all of it. I kept holding my breath thru the 3rd kick, even though I went thru that section a couple of extra times.

I'm distracted. Buttons are trembling. I want to blame someone for it, but it's really only me. At least, I know that much.
I forgot to check on some details required before we see the PA tomorrow. Now I'm very concerned that IF we can't take care of them all in the course of today, we will lose our PA appt, not to mention the scheduled surgery date. (I worry so well; it is only in looking back right now that I can see that it's really all ok.. part of the plan, so to speak. Doesn't feel good right now)

So, technically, I've done my practice for today. The Practice will be ongoing, and quite probably intermittent. I will practice my Practice, though, and will return to breath whenever I notice that I'm in some other place than peace.

Day 16 ...I know there was one..

Day 16, yesterday, was Sunday. Sundays begin - have begun up to now - with a Skype date with a good good friend who now lives in Florida. We begin within a few minutes of my waking because of time differences and privacy and daily 'stuff'. 

As for my Practice yesterday, I just forgot it. No awareness, no consciousness at all, it seems. I think I had begun the meditation when Bearly arrived to greet me, signaling the rising of the Family. I know that I never returned to it, nor did the form or Practice ever really occur to me again.

I enjoyed two walks with the dogs; enjoyed the breeze in the morning (with a sweater!) and reveled in the late afternoon sunlight later in the day.

I hesitate even to click the 'Consciousness' category button ... I touched that state only briefly and intermittently yesterday.     ...sigh...

Day 15

Much easier day this moring. I would liked to have slept a bit longer, but I opted for the time to take care of my Practice before class this morning. Meditation went well... Well, I have to say it doesn't really feel like meditation, yet. My mind chatters like crazy.

But the discipline factor has kicked in and I just keep sitting thru it, returning to breath each time I notice I've slipped off into mental ramblings.

I used the 5 Elements form for the TC practice this morning. It felt good and felt like enough because the TC class met this morning. Love that class and my dear Sifu.

Next year at this time, however, I am skipping class. It's AspenFest and I want to see the parade. I imagine a tailgate brunch and some comfy folding chairs... Yes, there is good chi there!

TTFN Have a great weekend. I am.

Day 14 ~ and a fable about awareness, or the lack thereof.

I had to laugh...

            ...but I couldn't for a couple of hours! :)            ...next time, I'll put a protein bar in my purse.

This morning's routine could have gone swimmingly but for last night. Two glasses of wine completely did me in, and caught up with me all at once about 8:45. I got there at 6:00 because I'm learning about using the system as a KJ so that Marcia and I can cover for Pete on Halloween Night.

OK...you don't really need the back story - bottom line: commitment kept today.

But it was all interesting to me so I'm going to write about it anyway.

We did a little shopping, including picking up some wonderful chicken gumbo from Mario's for supper, then we picked both dogs up from the groomer about 2:30.

They were just gorgeous; Maxie, especially, was a treat. She was the foundling you may remember. While she had been bathed a couple of times since we got her, she had not been treated to a coat & skin conditioner and had a professional styling and pedicure. I'm so sorry I didn't take pictures!

The treat for all of us on such an auspicious occasion is a trip to Sonic, of course. Joel's treat is a peanut butter fudge malt w/triple malt well mixed, please. The pups go a little crazy over vanilla ice cream. (and I get their left-overs!) Yesterday, they even got to taste the malt because the crew left out the chocolate. They were quite happy. And it's fun for me to scoot the seat back, drop the back rest almost flat and sit crossways so I can feed the pups while they stay in their seats. (a. they like looking out & the fresh air, and b. I like the response from the 'neighbors' in the next station)    :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aren't they just the cutest?

So, then there were various things involved with 'stuff', then getting dressed. I knew I wanted to have some wine so I remembered gumbo, ice cream, and mis-remembered how much I'd really consumed. As it turned out, it was not enough to absorb two glasses of Merlot, and they hit with a bang. Had to go home.  I didn't feel drunk, but I did feel sick. Not the fun I had expected and I only sang once!

This morning was a real exercise in discipline. I'll bet I sat down for meditation about 5 times before I could keep my butt in the chair. (started about 5:15). It was agony. And I did it all to myself. Silly girl.
In any case, I got to really exercise my discipline muscle. I just kept sitting back down. Over and Over... 

Ultimately, I sat with the guided meditation thru 2 segments, about 30 minutes, and was just doing some breathing on my own when the dogs came in to kiss me good morning.

Tai Chi happened about noon. My mind was chattering most of the time, but I got three repetitions done.

I see that this process is going to feel very slow for awhile. But interesting, and instructive little revelations are beginning to seep in, I think.  I feel good about this morning's work.

Just now came in from a glorious late afternoon walk with Maxie. I love the light here just before dusk.

night-night...

Day 13

I had a wonderful morning with lots of time for everything I wanted to do.

I even had time to come here to post about it.

And then, I stepped completely out of awareness, and logged out of Typepad without saving it or publishing it...  so much for conscious living.  LOL!

A further goal of the Practice, present, but unstated specifically, is to carry my new awareness/consciousness into 'the world'. Into my daily routine.  :)

I woke earlier; and I charge that to intention. I don't plan on setting alarm clocks; that seems like a particularly awful way to wake up.

After putting out cat food, and starting the coffee, etc. I spent some time with today's reading from 365 Tao. I listened to the guided meditation and practiced the breathing. Then I carried on with the breathing and sat another 25 minutes: an exercise in self-discipline. Focusing on breath really helps. Mind is still chattering, but I just kept coming back.

I followed that with Tai Chi. I did three full cycles with repetition in the first two on sections that I wanted to explore further: Snake creeps, and the 3 kicks.  I was able to stay much more present than has been usual for me in the past, and coming back when I did wander was easier.

The Family woke shortly after that. A lovely morning. Joel and I had a great conversation - not our usual coffee and computers. Been for a walk with Maxie on a(nother) GLORIOUS morning.

Day 13 and all is well. I'm such a happy woman. I just love how everything keeps working out for me!

 

 

Day 12 ...and to catch up Day 11

Well, I practiced today. And I have TC class tonight (for an extra star :) )

This morning was slower paced than yesterday's and with more time between my arising and the waking of the rest of my family. Nice.
TC practice happened about noon. Felt distracted so I just worked a few moves in the middle, mostly. Looking forward to going to class later. The light on the drive out will be splendid.

Yesterday - Day 11

I woke early enough to start the coffee, feed the cats, ablutions, etc. and still have more than enough time to take time with the meditation. I read from 365 Tao, stretched a little, spent 20 nice minutes breathing and listening and watching my mind bounce around.

I could use a different POV on those thoughts/music. And I'm also (repeatedly) relaxing into the process of this 100 Days, rather than measuring changes I can't see.

But from the moment that Family awakened, the day just escaped from my control. One of the dogs (I know who) peed through the whole bedding down to the mattress pad. That's a big load of obstacle in the road on a Karaoke morning! Had planned on doing regular laundry anyway, so just took longer. Within all that, I kept letting the chores run the day. That, and my Ego which pushes for a different level of 'picking up the house' since people are coming over.
( I must say, that Karaoke Clean-up day is making normal maintenance easier.)

I thought of TC all day. I consciously put a shower first; taking out the trash first; walking the dog; making breakfast; laundry...everything ahead of the practice.
And by the time everyone left and we cleared up, it was already today...you know, the next day.

I'm choosing to take yesterday's repeatedly relaxing into the process as a sign of progress toward a greater connection.

And now, after writing this, I feel better about how yesterday went.  Interesting...

 

I hate fans. No, really, I hate sitting in the draft of a fan. Hate ceiling fans the most.
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except for the one Scott brought me one sweltering evening by the marsh. sigh...

Happy October!

I'm just checking up on the blog in general. I forgot to update the credit card expiration date, and my pymt to Typepad failed. Oh, No!!! 

I'm just posting to see if it will. Nothing I can find in the email they sent or in the 'help' section mentions if they hit the card again automatically...   I 'spect it will all be fine.  Day 11 coming shortly...