The Ongoing Saga of the Battle Between Ego & Spirit

There may be more rambling than saga here, but... it's a blog after all - not a thesis.
(I looked thesis up, and it is that, actually: 3. A hypothetical proposition, especially one put forth without proof.)   :)

As some of you may know, raising my consciousness/awareness is a value I hold. It's one that often conflicts with other things going on in my (moderately compulsive) brain.

Increasing my awareness about the food I consume is one of the ways I advance this ideal of mine. Lately, that has been fueled by Michael Pollan and his books. And also by the film Food, Inc. and stuff I'm reading around the web, such as articles by my friend Laura. Moving my body a bit is another way. This manifests as continuing lessons in T'ai Chi but has not yet presented as a regular daily practice.

So, what's the battle?

Well, I was watching a trainer speaking to a group of women the other day (TV). He was teaching them this mantra: "Exercise is not negotiable," and suggesting (strongly) some very drastic (to me) changes in their eating habits. He seemed to want them to believe that they truly had NO choice. Basically, his message was exercise and eat right or DIE. And his absolute, in the 'not negotiable' sentence raised all my hackles and fired up my ego and compelled me to yell at the screen: "Oh, yeah! Of course, it is negotiable, you idiot."
I can choose dying.

And there is the dilemma.

I think that it may be a responsibility of mine to get off this planet as soon as the trip takes me to that point. It's not about suicide; it's about too many people. It's not about me; it's about the planet. It's not about health, per se, it's about consequences.

It's balancing my food addiction and my real love of all things food, with my increasing spirituality and consciousness. I suspect that it's mostly denial, as in that river in which so many of us are floundering.

My addiction is quite active. If I am not eating (or maybe while I'm eating), I'm planning the next food opportunity: recipe search, shopping, prepping, cooking, serving, and back to eating again. I love cooking for other people. And while all my choices for guests consider their own food issues or goals or tastes, I'm drawn, still, to all those old comfort-foods that continue to work for me.
(What fun I am already having preparing the Super Bowl Party food! I could care less about the game.)

So, I have a long way to go here.

I'm sure I will continue to evolve. I think I could not really stop evolving, even if I tried. And I'm fairly sure that spirit/god understands the 'thing' I have with food even though I clearly do not, as  yet.

Balance is the only way I can think of these matters at the moment. And I don't pretend for a moment that I am actually IN balance. (Work-in-progress...hold that thought.)

Some of what feeds the confusion or inability (or unwillingness) to move in one direction or the other is what I see when I look around me at stuff on TV; at some of the people I know; at national and world politics; at the way we teach each other and our kids to value score-keeping over consciousness.

Gotta go play with someone else's computer... I'll be back to this.