I'm reading A New Earth and taking part in a study group. I joined for a couple of reasons that could be labeled as wrong, except that they got me there. Now, I'm working and thinking and exploring again.
Ego.
I've had bits and pieces of understanding about the ego, and in a small part, MY ego for a long time. I'm only just beginning to see some really fundamental issues with mine in new ways that will help me to continue growing.
One egoic role that Tolle mentions is that of 'adult'. I'd never thought of it - adulthood - as a role. But, I can see that it certainly has become one for me. He says this, "When you play that role, you take yourself and life very seriously. Spontaneity, lightheartedness, and joy are not part of that role."
Well, hey. Guess who that is.
And as I think about my self and current circumstances in the light of this understanding, I can understand how I got so (temporarily) insane over the state of our personal economy. While the drop in income was certainly startling, the panic really arose from my ego over what people would think about me if I feel behind in the bills, or had to shut off services. And never mind that history has proven I always have enough.
But, a key discovery I made just in the last couple of days is this:
In spite of years of exposure to tons of traditional and esoteric material about Spirit, I still hold held the fundamental concept of God as BIG, powerful, MALE, extremely judgmental, and primarily punishing. Suffering & sin was the accepted condition for me. I was supposed to go thru this life as a less-than, supposed to put myself last, supposed to work hard for an impossible goal and hope for a reward when I am dead.
And even though ALL of my reading & experience over a couple of decades has told me otherwise, there was that in me that held on to such a belief. What made it so powerful, I think, is that the fundamental picture remained unconscious; remained a part of my egoic role. I have avoided using the word God to describe whatever pulls me toward it, which makes sense now, when that word connotes all that makes made me afraid to be.
This seems to make sense also when I consider my HUGE resistance to all things related to self-care and spiritual Practice. And I do mean practice with a capital P. How can I take time to practice T'ai Chi when I have not yet answered emails or edited that article or finished that project for.. whomever. All of those things have been more important than I, who must be last. And never mind that Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself". Never mind that He told us we could all 'do' and be as he was.
I finally left church for the same reason I stopped attending a 12 step program. Both of them had me believe, and SAY OUT LOUD, that I am broken, and required that I label myself as something: codependent, a sinner, or a servant. Neither one allowed me to be, or even to consider that I MIGHT be, an expression of Spirit manifesting on this plane.
Now, at this moment, I don't care about The Truth. I think there may be one; Tolle says there is, and calls it love. Makes sense - it's a good truth. Jesus called it that, too.
What is important now is to discover MY truth.
Who am I when I'm not in my adult role, or my caretaking role, or my 'little professor' role?
I aim to find out.
Interesting discoveries. Interesting life. Wonder what's next.
