Dropped out of ITP
Could not really grasp how horrible that group turned out for me.
NO, I mean that the process and I are not a fit at this time.
The Kata was/is actually fairly easy - it worked my body, don't get me wrong. And I think I will continue it to some degree.
What I found was a TON of old baggage about 'promises' and, a bigee to me, I found out Big-Time how I feel when I make a wrong choice.
There was a period of 2-3 months before ITP began in mid-January where many folks met to see 'what's next'. It began as a group to talk about the workings at HMHC and making determinations about various aspects of the work there. It quickly became something else when one person brought the ITP idea to the group. There were several weeks of discussion before a commitment was required.
All through that process, I was 'waffling' - flip-flopping, if you will.
Now, what do I know about that sort of behavior?
well....silly...I know that if the answer is Yes, it will come with bells and whistles and lots of jumping up & down.
Was I jumping up & down about ITP? No.
What else do I know?
Well, I know that I seek more solitude.
I know that I have been hearing the call of the cave for many months.
That's why I've been lightening my load (or attempting to) at HMHC for a long time.
So, what happens when I ignore these things that I KNOW?
Holy Shit! I just go crazy!
I get emotional; I get stomach aches; I cry through the 'get-current' section of each meeting!
and, to top it off, ITP is Not For that. It is not designed to deal with real baggage. It's a very short section of the meetings. They want to know what you're doing; how much you're doing/not doing; how much you relate the physical to the mind/spirit/soul, etc. They are perfectly willing to support one to that end - the integration of body, mind, soul, heart - and we had some very good exercises that worked to do that.
I missed one meeting, too sick (read out-of-my-body/mind); then attended one more where I 'spilled my guts'. One thing true about me is that I simply do not know how to dissemble very well.
But even there, the whole truth did not feel appropriate. I wasn't safe to take myself into that group with all my warts and whiskers showing.
A fellow member (who's a friend) offered a conversation about this and I took him up on it a few days later. I did feel safe talking to Mike, and I talked about some of the big baggage - commitments, promises, cost of keeping/not keeping them, personal values, and my 'pull' from god, and why I think I said 'yes' instead of listening to my own gut. He agreed with my assessment of the group, it's purpose, and it's tolerance for my level of baggage.
Overall, this has been an educational, and very revealing enterprise. In some ways, I miss them; in most ways, I do not.
I have to practice, still, a consciousness about 'disappointing' myself & others.
But that's normal for me ; >)
What am I doing instead?
Joel & I joined the local athletic club to swim (makes me chuckle just to associate the two of us and the word 'athletic'). We've done so ONCE! but we're slow starters, and it will get better. The facility is wonderful, not expensive and the pool is huge. Also comes with much more should I choose to add stuff.
I've also pulled out that beautiful bass guitar that I bought over a year ago - and just HAD to have. I've tuned it and have started to learn (relearn) to play.
I've almost got the studio in good working order. So that will be a fun place to play.
I was offered, and accepted, the channeling of my own Soul Song, and will use that in my own meditations. Perhaps it will help to open me to my own dear OmniCrone and allow me to understand the pull I feel toward god...maybe change the pull to a 'call'.
I'm more calm, more comfortable - I think that is a good thing.
We'll see how it goes.
And as you see - the two or three who read this - I'm not showing up here on the blog very much.
I hope that will change, grow, become richer.
I have no agenda about that right now.
Thanks for hanging in with me.
