This trip is very little like I expected and exactly like I expected and I'm missing/running from part of the trip...maybe.
I just read the last couple of posts while I had breakfast - scrambled eggs and cheese. I've got a toothache (getting much better) but have been eating eggs and soups and mashed potatoes for 3 days. Really tired of that menu. :) Happy it's been easy to find/make. Mayo always has at least one soup on the menu, and their food is very good.
What I've been running from is the opportunities for meditation that exist in my little bungalow. From the moment I leave this place in the morning I'm bombarded with noise, constantly, until I return here in the evening. The quiet is WAY more valuable to me than I ever knew. Living in a city will be a challenge...though one we may undertake when we get the house sold.
(BTW: I asked a respiration therapist about the differences between Joel's breathing here and at 7000 ft. They won't predict, of course, but she did say that there is a test that can be done as part of Joel's rehab that will simulate high altitude and give us an idea. Who knew?!
Several nights I've been getting home as late as 8:30 or 9:00. By the time I have some food, and clean something, it's already late... So I typically switch to a book...another distraction, rather than just sitting down and contemplating my navel.
It's a switch-off between total escape into a good mystery or a lighter version of spiritual reading: Esther Hicks' kids' series about Sara, or David Michie's The Art of Purring.
I had/have/could have a chance to spend time with a friend of a friend who is a psychic, animal communicator, healer, medium, and massage therapist. But I've put him off twice. First, he wants me to drive to him...and I don't fancy unnecessary driving. Just the commute home is half an hour. And, secondly, he's a he, and about 25 years younger, and all those things I just mentioned. All of which I could probably use, but none of which I really 'get' (except the massage, of course).
It seemed intriguing at first; now I'm nervous about it, uncertain, and a tad not ready. All I can really do right now is to follow my gut and let it go..and him go...
And I'm going to say, just this one time - in this blog where I think I am safe, that I'm fearful of our cash flow situation now, and for this year. We're using the savings to keep me here with Joel. While we have awesome insurance and ALL of her costs are covered by Medicare and insurance, mine are not. They are deductible next year, but are out-of-pocket right now. Also, Texas is underwater, so the cotton crops are in jeopardy. If the planting is not done by June 5th, crop insurance won't cover anything, and that seems nigh on to impossible to accomplish.
There has, maybe, been no time when meditation could be more valuable to me - and no time that it has felt harder to do. Michie's cat is telling me best... known as HHC, she is His Holiness's the Dahli Lama's Cat... :)
And still I run. Jim's voice is in my head a lot! and I wish...
but wishing doesn't make it so. and while I am good at physically hard stuff, I'm not good at spiritually hard stuff. Not a fun realization..
And here I go again into tears. I'm seeing now, that despite everything I THOUGHT I had learned, my self esteem still sucks BIG TIME. I can't seem to get myself high enough on my own list of priorities.
One moment I congratulate myself on noticing that, and the next, I chide myself for what seems like so much wasted time.
And how on earth did it get to be 9:30 and I still haven't showered... gotta to be me...best one I can access today.