I've felt this coming on almost since the last 100 days ended at the end of last year. These will start in a few days, and will finish up just short of 3 weeks after our return from the May Trip.
The trigger to start this up again has come from Laura, not surprisingly, who reads my mail; rattles my cage; and in general (and without saying a word about it) challenges me to get off my butt and do my work/play/joyful living. The other trigger is my Sifu, Jim, who teaches my Tai Chi classes, and stopped pulling his punches many months ago. He believes I'm lazy and lacking in self-discipline. He's not wrong.
I've just started reading this new work of Laua's, and find that it is hitting very near to issues that have been way up top for me lately. I feel the same way in my TC classes, too. And for the last few weeks, I've foung myself very emotional at points in the class.
But, it's not really funny.
(And, BTW, I found this picture here, though I don't really know who snapped the shot.)
A million years ago I whould have said, I'm F.I.N.E.!
(fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.)
Yep, I'm fine. Taking my lead from Laura, again, I'll post this excerpt from the email I sent after I started reading her new material last night.
"I started reading last night. It was hard to stop and go to bed.
My faith is tiny and shaky; I'm terrified of even the thought of disappointing/hurting some people; unwilling to break current long-standing promises; the whole world knows I lack self-discipline; and i have no idea at this point what will come from all these roads crossing here right in front of me."
Here I am. Still reading?
Well, that's it for now.
except for this:
Joy is in the moment. One does not search for it; one decides to BE it. Especially if the task of the moment is one in which we are not accustomed to finding joy.