I’ve always thought of it as ‘getting crazy’… but maybe it’s the real part, the who of I am…
The Bearly thing has been quite the experience, and I recently got it – really got it – about the duration and weight of it.
I’m hyper-vigilant, and not a soul can do it right, not even (or especially) me.
I am a leader to a great extent. Can’t wait for puppy-mommy school!
Anyway, as I prepare for this massage, I just noticed that this IS mothering. It IS of great duration. He could easily, perhaps, outlive us both.
And Bearly is a tiny puppy – three months old; we’ve had him in our house one month. Only 15+years to go.
And I get to go thru this.
OCD shit is up, bigtime.
And self-judgment –AND judgment of everyone else.
Poor Joel…I know it feels personal to her and I piss her off (preferable) or hurt her (not good at all!).
It ain’t them, it’s totally me.
And I can choose to ‘get it’ which may be painful periodically.
Or I can do the usual – be frantic and frenetic and obsessed and.. blah, blah,..
I think I’ll choose to notice & experience the weight, because this is BIG
A LIVE ENTITY DEPENDS ON ME TO SURVIVE, AND HOW HE MANIFESTS HIS ‘DOGDOM’ IN THE WORLD WILL BE IS BEING SHAPED BY ME.
(not discounting Joel...I just can't comment on her experience, though it is clear she is more relaxed with him than I.)
But I think I can wear it differently. As an opportunity and an honor rather than a ‘burden’, as Joel calls it; just overwhelming responsibility and fear of failure in my egoic mind.
This could be/is becoming a big deal for me on very many different, and some exciting levels.
Help, thou, my unbelief.
Wrote that on Tuesday - now it's Thursday. Jim (gently) called me out on using the 'getting crazy' phrase in TC class last night. He's right, of course. If I think of myself as getting crazy, then that is exactly what I will do.
Not a glorious feeling...and I felt, for just a moment, like I did in the early days of this class when I was so willing to be wounded by words.
I can Thankfully say that is no longer true. At that point in class, and one other during a closing relaxation meditation, I walked, consciously, thru another emotional reaction to my seeming inability to relax anything, let alone my whole body. And for now, a still mind seems not to be in the cards at all. It was interesting to walk thru those old feelings with some degree of consciousness. Interesting, and satisfying and encouraging.
And I do know that on some levels this is just a new puppy and all is well. LOTS of people are successful at raising puppies. No reason I can't be successful, too. he's a Chihuahua/Yorkie mix and has an energy that is at times amazingly frenetic. Some of that is breed-related. Some of it is probably reflections of me.
For this woman, our new 2 1/2 lb Chorkie, Bearly, is here to teach me. I feel like I'm failing miserably. I know that is not really true. I also know I can 'mother' a puppy well. The trick for me is to do so without hooking all my 'issues', as it were. And it is clear that I'm going to learn this shit stuff by getting hooked, then getting as conscious as possible as quickly as possible. And meanwhile... breathing seems like a good idea; I forget frequently.
We're going to puppy school for the first time on Saturday. No, not for him; he's got this puppy thing down perfectly. Class will teach us, the new parents. I'm SO ready for some specific direction. The books just aren't the same thing.
In case you haven't met him on Facebook, here is the little cutie:
Stay tuned for further developments. :)