I've been missing this place for the last many weeks...while at the same time, feeling like I'm the last person who should be talking in public. (not that this site is very public)
But there are many new thoughts, ideas, and Plans (for Heaven's sake!), that will be or are bringing changes into my life - our lives: some are huge, some are tiny, all make a difference.
I haven't been here since April when I was bragging on our anniversary. It's a fairly big deal to me, partly because a LOT of folks never get to 20 years. And partly because I certainly never thought that I would.
The post before that one, in mid March, was all about promises to myself about another 100 Days thing I've been inspired (?) to do a couple of times before.
Thankfully, I got a long thoughtful comment from Laura that resonated also. And made good sense, and got me off the hook I'd hung myself on... thanks. :)
So, although the 100 Days did not officially start, the days do go on. and on. And so do I. And so does my evolution into the spiritual energy that I am already and will be completely when I finish this physical experience. I look forward to that time with a large degree of anticipation, believe it or not. But I am still human, still in the physical, and still subject to the apparent struggle with my own ego.
And I still don't have a Senior Olympics medal...
Now...the ogre that wants to own me at the moment is my current lack of self-discipline regarding almost anything having to do with my own personal & spiritual well-being. I'm winning the struggle with self-esteem, finally, but I do not have a clue about the self-discipline. My sifu says, 'Just do it!'
And in some small degrees I've just done it about many things... but not so with my own spiritual practice, especially as it relates to meditation, and in some smaller degree to my tai chi practice.
so, tell me: how does an undisciplined mind develop discipline?
(I can actually hear my ego in my head, now, beginning to whine about all the 'reasons' I'm not better at this.)
I've managed up to 3 weeks before with daily 'meditation' when it consisted of listening to a tape of guided meditations, and could even manage the 6-7 minutes of music-no talking that played at the end of each one. sort of... And I have yet to experience a quiet mind. If it can't find nothing else to do, it plays music for me.
I'm (half-heartedly) looking for a meditaion retreat environment, thinking that several days of instruction and silence might turn the tide. But ...
Well, the 'buts' and the busy mind are exactly the problem.
And I still feel that meditation is the main path to my continued evolution. Literally EVERYTHING I am reading these days is saying the same thing: from "365 Tao" and my sifu, to "Quiet", to the "Why Quantum Physicists.." series, to the 2-3 T'ai Chi books I'm reading...all but the little mystery novel that just takes me out of the regular world all together.. ALL of them speak to me of meditation as the place where I can listen to The Way, to the 8-Fold-Path, to god, to my higher self. I have no idea what to name it or how to address it, but I insist that it is real for me.
I was looking again just now at Laura's comment (the 'post' link above).
I AM noticing that I am likely to be closer to death than I have been, but I don't think of dying as 'losing my life'. It seems to me that a very important aspect of my life is dead now. I KNOW I'll have the answers after transition...but I want a few of them now.
If the quantum physicists and the Law of Attraction are right, as they resonate to me now, then it is a matter of continued practice regardless of how it feels.
AND...part of the reason for today's post is to begin (a bit late) to chronicle our path to the next stage of our physical lives. Joel needs to live at a lower altitude for her health - to get off the oxygen. I want a broader experience for this part of my physical existence, and I want life to be simpler: smaller domicile to clean, no yard/garden (?), fewer steps, access to classes/experiences not available here, and MORE water, etc.
So. The house is listed for sale. We've begun sorting out things to get rid of, things to store while we decide if there will be a future house, or just the kick-ass 5th wheel we hope to get when the house sells. We plan (that word again) to hit the road with two dogs and possibly one cat to see things we've never seen and to explore the country for the next place we might plant roots. Joel does really want a small place somewhere, I think, and her heart is in the midwest. I can happily see me in the rv for an indefinite time...maybe until I croak. It would certainly make things easier for whatever relative has to sort out my dregs down the road.
That sign out there on the corner also means that I should make the bed everyday, and keep the dishes done, and make sure that the house is more or less ready to show at the drop of a hat. So far, no interest, but it's not a 'tourist house', it's the right one for someone who is or wants to be local. She/he will be finding us this fall when the season is over and they realize how well they did this summer and how nice it will be to move into this warm, happy, comfortable home. Fair trade, I think.
Since you and Erin have not been here, Laura, here's a link to one of the current listings. There will be more (and better) pics when the studio is more ready. :)